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Jewish Journal

Connect. Inform. Inspire.

January 29, 1998

Playing by the Rules

Leave a Comment / Old Stories, Politics, Power /

When I was a kid, we played in the streets –Ring-a-leevio, Uncle Sam May I Cross Your River? Red Light-GreenLight, Hide-and-Go-Seek. And marbles. Before a game, we made up ourown rules. Once everyone agreed to play by the same rules, thecompetition was fierce. If the rules were broken, the game was heldup by a call of “fins.” The problem was resolved, and the gameresumed. If the problem couldn’t be resolved, the kids took sides,and a fight broke out. And then a truce and a new day.

Every borough in New York had a different way toplay marbles. My brother and I were the marble kings of 86th Road inQueens. The journey to marble royalty was the same one traveled byeveryone in the neighborhood, but we reached the top. Once there, wehad to defend our position, but, as is due kings, we had a turfadvantage and the respect of our challengers. Sometimes, we made upour own rules. Since we possessed almost all of their original marbleholdings, kids were forced to buy new ones if they wanted to get usinto play. They were also subjected to the power of kings.

When we retired, there were Maxwell House coffeecans filled with puries, pee-wees, and the treasured scaboldas — theoversized marbles used to slam an opponent’s marble out of the pot.We passed on our legacy to the next generation of marble players,whose season was short-lived, since television brought kids insideand summer camps provided them with rules.

Had Bill Clinton lived on my block, he might havebeen the marble king. He might have beaten his opponents because hewas the best. And maybe he would have beaten them so skillfully thathe would have received a grudging respect — the kind that engendersresentment, revenge and, in some disgruntled minds, hatred. We usedto call them sore losers. We had some on 86th Road.

It seems to me that the real hatred directedagainst President Clinton is unprecedented, unrelenting since thebeginning of his first term. From my perspective, it can’t be becauseof the big issues. None of our sons died because he sanctioned anunauthorized war. He did not create an environment where bias andprejudice were acceptable. He never profited financially as a resultof his high office. But whatever that hatred is about, the events ofthe last week show signs that it is out of control.

Recently, a young man I’ve known since he was 7,told me that he had a four-year close friendship with MonicaLewinsky. He has been approached by television networks, newspapersand a tabloid that offered him $10,000 to talk. I wanted to writethis story too.

“What will happen if I tell you what I know?” heasked me. I told him that there were no rules in this game. That thepeople whose hands were on the controls had no respect — not for theoffice of the presidency or the country that it governs. I advisedhim to read the newspapers, watch CNN and carefully analyze how thecoverage was going and think about what purpose was served if herevealed what he knew.

In one of our conversations, I commented that heknew more about this young woman’s history than those who accepted astruth what she said in taped conversations and used it against theleader of the free world. He also probably knew more about her thanthe leader of the free world.

What I admire about this young man is that he is,it seems to me, struggling with doing the right thing in anatmosphere where there is a rush to justify a $30 millioninvestigation of the president; where book contracts are rewarded tothose who lose and tell; where immunity from prosecution is given tothose who break the law and tell; and where a jail cell awaits thosewho refuse to talk.

Anyone who grew up playing by street rulesunderstands that no one can have any fun when chaos reigns. Maybeit’s time to call “fins,” agree on some rules, and begin a new daybefore fairness is completely destroyed and winning becomes a trialrather than a triumph.

My brother and I were the marble kings of 86thRoad in Queens. Photo from”The Best ofLife.”

Columnist Linda Feldman is the co-author of”Where To Go From Here: Discovering Your Own Life’s Wisdom” (Simon& Schuster).


Playing by the Rules Read More »

Singles: The Debate

Leave a Comment / Old Stories /

Wedding Goblet by Max Kohler the Younger, Breslau, 1752. SilverGilt. Photo from “Jewish Art,”1995.

She Says

On Jewish Men

By Anonymous

I would like to offer a new spin on intermarriage. Some of us arechoosing to marry non-Jews, not to escape our Jewishness but becauseit is our last chance to bear Jewish children and perpetuate a faithand people we love more than anything else.

Who are we? Jewish women, mainly in our late 30s, who, after yearsof Jewish singles events and rejection by Jewish men, have given upon ever finding a “nice Jewish boy.”

With our biological clocks loudly ticking, finding a nicenon-Jewish man who moves us and is willing to have Jewish childrenstarts looking good. After 20 years of dating and being faced withlooking into middle age alone and childless, who could blame us?

You do…every time you publish or deliver anti-intermarriagemessages. For someone who has a passionate Jewish identity and wantsnothing more than to create a Jewish family, these words aregut-wrenching.

No one has tried harder to find Jewish husbands than we have. Myentire adult life has been devoted to the Jewish community. I wastotally immersed in a Jewish singles group for years and am now thehead of a successful Jewish organization. I was recently chosen for aprestigious Jewish fellowship program because I am thought to be “oneof the future Jewish leaders of my community.” So don’t tell me “Idon’t care” or that I am “disenfranchised” or “uneducated.” Quite thecontrary. I just can’t find a decent, stable Jewish man who likes meas more than a friend.

I am no slouch or social outcast. It is not just my mother whothinks I am beautiful, kind, smart and socially adept. Sadly, it isnon-Jewish men, not my intended Jewish mates, who find me exotic,attractive and stimulating.

Ask me about all the times I have come home from a blind date orJewish singles event feeling totally dejected and depressed. I havehad Jewish men confide in me that they haven’t dated a Jewish womanin 10 years; in fact, they don’t even like Jewish women — like I amgoing to be sympathetic!

My hobby now is to count the Asian women sitting with their Jewishhusbands in the sanctuary during High Holy Day services. It used tojust be the “blond shiksa goddesses” they went after.

Several years ago, I was invited to the wedding of two Jewishfriends. The groom had 12 groomsmen, all Jewish. Not one was marriedto a Jewish woman. I sat at the singles table with all my unattached,beautiful Jewish girlfriends.

This is not my imagination. It is my reality, and it stuns. I amsure many will write in and say how angry I am. Well, they are right.I am furious. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be.

So I say, be careful whom you criticize. We have been hurt enough.The problem is more complex than meets the eye. Do you know why myReform rabbi stopped performing intermarriages? He could not face allthe lovely Jewish women coming in for counseling, crying because theycould not find Jewish husbands. Add that to your list of why somerabbis do and some don’t.

Before you blame us for the demise of the Jewish community throughour rampant intermarriage, ask yourselves what went wrong in yourgeneration — in two-Jewish-parent households — that your sonsreject their counterparts in such large numbers?

He Says

On Jewish Women

By David Scher

I have some idea how Anonymous feels, but her vicious, thinlyveiled attack on Jewish men, which she tried to pass off as herjustification for intermarriage, is inexcusable.

Implicit in everything she wrote is the idea, “I’ve doneeverything right; why haven’t you guys?”

Writing this will not make me popular. I will be seen as aninconsiderate lout who avoids Jewish women just because they areJewish women. In short, I’ll be viewed as just the kind of jerk shehas labeled personally responsible for her perceived decline ofJudaism. I’ll take that risk — and sign my name.

Now before you get this image of an Armani-undershirted,microbrew-swilling mama’s boy who thinks that no woman is good enoughfor him, allow me to briefly introduce myself. I am 39 and have neverbeen married. Yes, it surprised me too. I am not incrediblysuccessful, but I have been self-supporting since college. I own anice home on a lake outside of Atlanta, with a small boat to playaround with on the weekends. Money has been plentiful enough for meto cultivate a taste for wines and travel, though not a whole lot ofeither. Regular exercise for the past 15 years helps keep my 6-foot-2frame in good shape. As with Anonymous, not only my mother thinks I’mgood-looking. (I guess, now, you think I’m conceited too!)

I have belonged to a large Reform congregation for 14 years andhave been active for the past six or seven. This involves going toservices every Saturday, attending educational workshops, being asupervisor at our homeless shelter, singing in the choir, and actingas a lay cantor at least once a month.

I have tried to date Jewish women. It is not difficult. There isan army of yentas out there, just waiting for the chance to trot meout to any Jewish woman they know. After a “relationship” with aPentecostal Christian, I put the word out that I would take on allcomers. Fat, ugly, stupid, I didn’t care. If she knew the Shema, Iwanted to meet her.

Boy, did I get dates! There was the 4-10 drug addict/alcoholicwho, at 30, was still living off her father. Then there was the 5-10buck-toothed beauty who asked me if everything came out OK when Ireturned from the restroom. There was the Jewish teacher I liked, butshe dumped me for the lawyer she was seeing at the same time.

All of these dates, however, did have one thing in common: Theyall felt like a job interview. Each woman would grill me nonstop tosee if I fit her profile of a Semitic stud who could help her createa nice Jewish family. The question was not, “Do I like him?” but,”Will he do?” One woman’s interrogation was so complete that I askedif I could just fax her a resumé.

Yet, even with all the cross-examinations, one question has neverbeen asked: “Do you like my dress?” In contrast, non-Jewish girlsalways ask if I like their clothes, hair, etc. They don’t want tomeasure me, but to please me.

The most common reaction I get when a “nice Jewish girl” realizesthat I am not interested in her is surprise. What can I mean by that?I passed all the tests! She echoes Anonymous’ plaintive cry: “Thisisn’t the way it’s supposed to be!”

It is amazing that women such as Anonymous can continue to whineabout us guys doing things the wrong way. What kind of arrogantostrich can watch birds of her feather flock elsewhere for well over10 years and not even think that she might be singing the wrongmating song?

What I see and hear from married guys is scary. They feelancillary. They whine that their wives don’t understand or appreciatethem. What they don’t realize is that most Jewish wives don’t care ifthey understand their husbands. According to our tribe, it is not thewife’s job to appreciate the husband; it is the husband’s job toappreciate the great job the wife is doing raising her Jewish familyand ensuring their social status. It is a tough job being a goodJewish matriarch (mind you, I’m not suggesting that it isn’t); thereis no time to care for a man who should be able to care for himself.He should be on time for all social events she plans and change tieswhenever she decides.

I do not want a Jewish marriage like the ones I see around me.Like Anonymous, I want to have a family and rear my children Jewish.Anyone I marry will have to be God-loving and spiritual. Now, maybe,you can see why I’m still single. No Jewish girl has ever looked atme as more than a potential sire provider, and no spiritual non-Jewcould help me raise our children Jewish.

I hope that Anonymous finds what she is looking for. I hope I dotoo, but I know that they are not the same things.

Both sides of the debate are reprinted by permission of ReformJudaism magazine, published by the Union of American HebrewCongregations.

 

Singles: The Debate Read More »

A Commitment toEducation

Leave a Comment / California, Kids & Teens, Old Stories /

In a move that many see as a turning point for thefuture of Jewish education in Los Angeles, the Jewish Federation ofGreater Los Angeles board agreed last week to almost double theamount that the Federation gives to Jewish day and Hebrewschools.

“I am elated,” said Dr. Gil Graff, executivedirector of the Bureau of Jewish Education. “I think that itunderscores the reality that the community recognizes that Jewisheducation is an important and essential issue that requires moresupport.”

The 1998 Planning and Allocations (P&A)report, which the board approved at its Jan. 20 meeting, calls for a$1 million increase to the BJE budget. Half of that money will beadded to the existing fund of $1.1 million and disbursed among theSouthland’s 37 day schools and about 50 “supplemental” Hebrewschools. A task force chaired by Mark Lainer, president of the JewishEducation Service of North America (JESNA) — the national educationarm of the Council of Jewish Federations — will decide how theremaining $500,000 should be spent.

The Federation’s allocation of an average of $100per day-school student is among the lowest in the country, saidP&A director Carol Koransky. The average in other communities isabout $490 per pupil. Additional funding still will not narrow thegap completely, but it will almost double the per-student amount, shesaid. The hope is that possibly a new endowment program, createdthrough the Jewish Community Foundation, will be able to come up withmore funding.

Federation President Herb Gelfand, whom some havedubbed the “education president” because of his vocal determinationto increase funding for Jewish schools, has met, along withFederation Executive Vice President John Fishel, with day-schoolprincipals on several occasions. He spoke strongly in favor of themove to board members. Los Angeles now needs to pay attention toeducating its Jewish children for the future, Gelfand said. “It’s adisgrace that we spend $100 per child.”

There is no debating the need: The cost of Jewisheducation is extremely high, and many families, particularly thosewith several children, simply cannot afford to send their kids toJewish day schools. At Emek Hebrew Academy, an Orthodox schoolserving about 600 children in preschool through eighth grade, as manyas 40 percent of the students at the two campuses in North Hollywoodand Sherman Oaks need some kind of financial aid, EducationalDirector Rabbi Yochanan Stepen said. “We have to raise more than$500,000,” he said.

According to much-quoted research, a Jewishday-school education is an excellent way of ensuring Jewishcontinuity, which accounts for the high premium that the Los AngelesFederation — and others around the country — has placed onincreasing the amount spent to support the schools.

At the Jan. 20 board meeting, no one disputed theneed for providing additional support for Jewish education; thesticking point was where the money would come from. According toFishel, about $430,000 would be subtracted from the Federation’soverseas allocation to the United Jewish Appeal, with the other$470,000 coming from unspecified additional funds. “It’s a matter ofpriorities,” said Fishel, in response to concerns about reducing aidto Jews in Israel and elsewhere overseas. As important as theoverseas agenda is, adding $1 million to the fund for Jewisheducation “is making a strong statement that without assuring thestrength and viability of Jewish education, in our community,particularly among our kids, the whole concept of Klal Yisrael is atrisk.”

The $1 million increase, while not solving allproblems, “is a very significant statement of recognition thateducation is a key area of community concern,” said Graff.

In the 1997-98 school year, 9,375 students attend37 Jewish day schools in the greater Los Angeles area, and about13,500 students are in the Hebrew schools, Graff said. Costs for dayschools range from about $7,500 to $12,000. Nearly 80 percent of theBJE allocation goes to day schools, with the remaining 20 percentearmarked for supplemental schools, which cost far less but are stillout of range for some Jewish families. “There is no such thing as aJewish school, either supplementary or day, that is operating in theblack,” Graff said.

The cost of day school has become prohibitive formany middle-class Jewish parents and completely out of the questionfor poor families, said Dr. George Lebovitz, headmaster of KadimaHebrew Academy, a Conservative day school in Woodland Hills. About120 of Kadima’s 350 students receive some form of scholarship, saidLebovitz. He said the school’s allotment from the BJE is about$28,000, and it expects to receive an additional $13,000 or $14,000from the first $500,000 the Federation distributes. Last year, theschool handed out $375,000 in scholarships, so, even with increasesfrom the BJE, it has a lot of money to raise.

Rabbi Stepen of Emek Hebrew Academy called the $1million increase “a new beginning.” Since 1991, when the BJE budgetfor Jewish schools was at a high of about $1.6 million, “there havebeen tremendous cuts made because the Federation campaign didn’t goso well,” Stepen said. “Now there is recognition that instead ofcutting, they’re going to add $1 million. They’re going to put theirmoney where their mouth is. I think that it is a tremendousaccomplishment.”


A Commitment toEducation Read More »

The Results Are In

Leave a Comment / California, Family, Old Stories /

Rumors of the imminent demise of theJewish population of Los Angeles are a little premature. For yearswe’ve been hearing that the rate of intermarriage in Los Angeles islikely among the worst in the nation — probably more than 50percent, perhaps as high as 70 percent in some areas.

Preliminary statistics from a new demographicstudy conducted by the Jewish Federation seem to show that our worstfears are not true. Among couples who married during the five yearsending in1997, the rate of intermarriage is 41 percent — nothing toboast about, but not as bad as we’d heard. The percentage ofintermarried couples among all existing married Jewish households(from newlyweds to long-married) in the region is 22 percent,compared to 20 percent in the Federation’s last study in 1979. Thisapplies to the area that runs from the Simi and Conejo valleys in thenorth to the border of Long Beach and from downtown to the PacificOcean, including an estimated 519,000 Jews the Federation serves.

Surprisingly, the intermarriage rate (during afive-year period between 1985 and 1990) measured by the NationalJewish Population Study of 1990 was higher — 52 percent.

The results came as a surprise to Dr. Pini Herman,research coordinator of the Federation’s Planning and AllocationsDepartment, which oversaw the study. The western part of the countryis often considered a hotbed of intermarriage, Herman said. “Peoplehere tend not to be as observant of their religion, so you wouldexpect to see a higher intermarriage rate in Los Angeles.”

Since the area surveyed is not precisely the sameas in the 1979 study (the increasingly Jewish Simi/Conejo area wasnot included then and the San Gabriel and Pomona valleys, now servedby another Federation, were), intermarriage may be higher in theareas the report doesn’t cover, Herman hypothesized. But still, hesaid, at the current rate of intermarriage, the Los Angeles Jewishpopulation is unlikely to disappear for another 500 to 600 years. “Myimpression is that [intermarriage] is a long, slow trend, even thoughit’s a trend that exists,” Herman said. “It’s a kitchen fire, not ahouse fire.”

Dr. Bruce Phillips, a professor of Jewish CommunalStudies at Hebrew Union College’s Jewish Institute of Religion, andthe author of a 1993 study on Jewish intermarriage, was somewhat moreskeptical than Herman. He questioned what the current data would showif analyzed in terms of generational differences. “Immigrants andchildren of immigrants don’t intermarry very much,” he said. LosAngeles’ large number of immigrants, may have affected theintermarriage rate, Phillips suggested. The survey results still meanthat more than half of couples being formed are intermarried, sincethe approximately six Jews in 10 that marry other Jews would formthree couples, while the four out of 10 who marry non-Jews wouldcreate four intermarried couples, he added.

Herman’s research corroborated with Phillips’study on one matter: among children of two Jewish parents,intermarriage has slowed down somewhat. Phillips theorized that thismight be the result of the growing immigrant population, ofintermarrieds migrating out of the Los Angeles area or of a slowdowncaused by the increasing outcry in the Jewish community againstintermarriage.

When broken down by regions, areas with thelargest concentration of Jews tend to have the lowest numbers ofintermarried Jews, and those with the least Jews have the highestnumber. San Pedro, with a very small Jewish population, has thehighest concentration of mixed marriages: 62 percent among allmarried Jewish households. Beverly Hills has the lowest number ofmixed marriages: 4 percent. In central Los Angeles, which includesHollywood and has a low Jewish density, the percentage ofintermarried and couples in which the non-Jewish partner hadconverted were equal at 38 percent each, with only 23 percent of Jewsmarried to other Jews. In areas where younger Jews have settled, suchas the Conejo and Simi valleys and the South Bay beach cities, thenumber of intermarried households is higher (29 percent and 32percent, respectively). “It’s a known phenomenon that the youngergeneration tends to marry out,” Herman said.

Data from the population survey was collected in1996 and 1997. It included random calls to more than 69,000 phonenumbers and completed interviews with 2,641 Jewish households. Forpurposes of the study, a Jew was defined as one who was born a Jew,raised a Jew and not converted out, or a person with one parent whowas Jewish. A more detailed report, including statistics onaffiliation, education and other topics, is expected to be releasedin March.

Jewish Households in Los Angeles

Another part of the study dealing with household size uncoveredseveral trends. Among these are:

  • The average Jewish household size has declined slightly from 2.27 to 2.1 persons per household, less than both the 2.91 figure for all Los Angeles households and 2.27 for non-Hispanic white households.
  • Orthodox Jewish households average 2.7 persons; Conservative Jewish households average 2.3 persons; and Reform and Reconstructionist Jewish households average 2.1 persons. Among Jewish households that don’t identify themselves with any denomination, the average is 1.8 persons per household.
  • Surprisingly, the study points out, “in a community that has always considered two-parent families with minor children as its basic building blocks, it is interesting to note that 77 percent of Jewish households are not of this type.”
  • Jewish fertility is also lower than the surrounding non-Hispanic white population at 213 children ages 0 to 4 per 1,000 women of childbearing age, compared to 449 for all Los Angeles women and 312 for non-Hispanic white women in that age group. The number is expected to decline further as baby boomers age beyond their childbearing years until the children of baby boomers start having their own children.
  • Almost half — 48 percent — of Jewish households contain only unmarried persons, compared to 42 percent in 1979. More than a quarter of households — 28 percent — contain only one person, of which one-third have never married, about a quarter are divorced or separated and more than a third are widowed.
  • There is a growing number of never-married Jews. The proportion of never-married persons over 18 has increased from 18.2 percent of households to 21.2, as the number of married persons has declined from 64.2 percent to 61.3.

 

The Results Are In Read More »

Sleeping with the Enemy

Leave a Comment / Old Stories /

Ruth Neal, coordinator of Ezras Bayis, has seen Orthodox womenwho have been bitten, shoved, slapped, punched, spit at, scalded withhot chicken soup, threatened with a gun, pushed down a flight ofstairs. Wood cut by Kathe Kollwitz from “German ExpressionistWoodcuts,” 1994.

 

Ilana*, an observant woman living inLos Angeles, felt isolated because of the myth that domestic violencedoesn’t happen in Orthodox homes. She recalled how she once coweredas her husband held a gun to her head, then fired; when the gunturned out to be empty, he laughed at her fear. For Ilana, it wasonly the latest incident in years of abuse.

Six years ago, the Orthodox Counseling Program(OCP) of Jewish Family Service of Los Angeles began a “warm line” tohelp women such as Ilana. But at the time, OCP’s Dr. Michael Heldstaunchly refused to talk about the warm line. “If something isdifficult to accept and you splash it all over the front page,” hesaid, “people will clam up, and you’ll find yourself farther awayfrom the people you want to help.”

Instead, Held and his staff quietly worked behindthe scenes, meeting with many of the more than 100 practicingOrthodox rabbis in Los Angeles, and their efforts have paidoff.

Ruth Neal, coordinator of Ezras Bayis, OCP’sfamily-abuse project, does workshops at synagogues and schoolsthroughout the Southland. The Rabbinical Council of California hasscheduled its first seminar on domestic violence for Feb. 8. JewishFamily Service’s 30-day emergency shelter for battered women, TamarHouse, is kosher-friendly.

And now comes “Nishma” (“We Will Listen”), a24-hour hot line for Orthodox women, with 19 observant volunteercounselors. The hot line (818-623-0300), which began on Jan. 1, is ajoint venture of OCP and JFS’ Family Violence Project. It is fundedwith a $38,200 grant from the Jewish Community Foundation. The grantalso funds a variety of workshops and outreach programs that dealwith domestic violence in the observant community.

What opened the community’s eyes, sources say, wasthe 1993 murder of Rita Parizer, 36, an Orthodox wife and motherwhose strangled body was found wrapped in a sleeping bag in a garageowned by her husband, Shalom, at 325 N. Orange Grove Ave. Ritapreviously had reported a marital rape but refused to press charges,LAPD Det. David Lambkin said. In August 1994, her husband wasconvicted of second-degree murder and sentenced to 15 years to lifein prison.

“More than anything, the Parizer case brokethrough the community’s denial,” said Shirley Lebovics, a licensedclinical social worker who is observant and a domestic-violenceexpert. “It made rabbis stop and say, ‘This can happen. This isfrightening. This is real.'”

As for how often abuse occurs in the Orthodoxcommunity, or within the Jewish community at large, that is difficultto say. Many activists, citing an unpublished 1980 master’s thesisfrom Hebrew Union College/USC, say up to 20 percent of all Jewish menabuse their wives — the same as the general population.

But according to The Forward, a University ofRhode Island study concluded that violence in Jewish homes is almost40 percent below the national average. A University of Maryland studyfound the numbers somewhere in between, The Forward said.

Several Orthodox rabbis interviewed believe thatabuse occurs less frequently in observant homes. Religious husbandsare less likely to batter because of Orthodox ethical training andpeer pressure, Young Israel of Century City’s Rabbi Elazar Muskinsaid.

Rabbi Aron Tendler of Shaarey Zedek, however,said, “Abuse has nothing to do with one’s moral upbringing, but withthe [generational] cycle of violence.” Tendler speaks about thephenomenon in a new videotape produced for the Jewish community bythe National Center for the Prevention of Sexual and DomesticViolence.

Whatever their belief about the statistics,however, all the rabbis interviewed agreed that the problem isserious enough to warrant action. One-fifth of OCP’s some 200 annualclients report verbal or physical abuse, after all.

Neal has seen Orthodox women who have been bitten,shoved, slapped, punched, spit at, scalded with hot chicken soup,threatened with a gun, pushed down a flight of stairs. One husbandharassed his pregnant wife until 5 a.m. on a workday, accusing her ofinfidelity. Whenever she nodded off, he would grab her by the hairand order her to “sit up and listen.”

Sarah,* a 28-year-old mother of five, said thather husband was careful to beat her where the bruises wouldn’t show.He injured her so seriously on several occasions that she requiredphysical therapy. On Friday evenings, her family tensely sat at theShabbos table, “walking on eggshells” lest they provoke him.

Yet Sarah was hesitant to speak out because of theprohibition against lashon hara (gossip), and because of themisconception that shalom bayis (peace in the home) is the soleresponsibility of the woman. When she tentatively approached severalrespected women in her community, they told her to speak nicely toher husband, to go home and make an extra-special Shabbosmeal.

When Sarah finally approached the beit din(rabbinical court) for a get (a religious divorce), some rabbiswarned her that it would be almost impossible for her to remarry.Sarah could not bring herself to tell them that her husband wasinappropriately touching her during times of the month prohibited byJewish family purity laws.

Orthodox women, such as Sarah, tend to stay longerin abusive relationships, Neal said, for a number of reasons. Manyare wary of secular counseling; they are concerned thatpsychotherapists might not understand their need to consult arabbi.

Observant wives tend to have many children, so itis harder for them to find someplace to go, especially when theirhusbands control the purse strings. They worry that they won’t beable to keep kosher in a shelter; that they cannot hide from aviolent husband within the small, closely knit Orthodox community;that the stigma of divorce could damage their children’s chances fora good marriage.

At Nishma, the observant volunteers, who aremodern Orthodox through Chassidic, inherently understand thesedifficulties. All have completed 45 hours of training with expertsfrom FVP, the county, the district attorney’s office and therabbinate.

Because Los Angeles’ Orthodox community is sosmall, the Nishma volunteers maintain even higher levels ofconfidentiality than those at secular hot lines; each woman uses analias and is forbidden from mentioning that she works at Nishma toeveryone but her immediate family. When a battered woman telephonesthe hot line, day or night, an FVP counselor patches her through to avolunteer; the hot line has a list of rabbinic referrals if a womandoes not want to speak to her husband’ s rabbi.

Neal, for her part, is working on making TamarHouse more accessible to Orthodox women. She has purified new dishesfor the shelter, which has a locked kosher cabinet with food, dishesand a microwave. Orthodox women have the option of seeing anobservant counselor while at the shelter.

Neal and other experts, meanwhile, have a wishlist for Orthodox battered women in Los Angeles. They would like tosee a counseling program for Orthodox batterers and for existingpremarital classes to outline warning signs of spousal abuse. Theywant more training for rabbis, who, for example, should know thatcouples counseling is contraindicated in cases of domestic violence.Lebovics would like to see a specifically Jewish emergency shelter inLos Angeles.

“When I counsel couples, I tell the woman, infront of her intended husband, that if he ever raises a hand to her,she should pick herself up and leave until the problem is resolved,”Tendler said. “And if a woman is unsafe, it is incumbent upon everyrabbi to pull out all the stops, including saying from the bimah thata man is not welcome in the community, because he abuses hiswife.”

* not their real names


Sleeping with the Enemy Read More »

Who Is

Leave a Comment / California, Old Stories, Politics /

And while the involvement of the Lewinsky family in the Jewishcommunity is apparently limited, Lewinsky’s lawyer referredrepeatedly to Jewish issues and Israel in an interview with anIsraeli daily, even linking the scandal and the future of the Clintonpresidency with Israeli-U.S. relations.

Lewinsky, the 24-year-old former White House intern, is at thecenter of the furor that has become the No. 1 media topic worldwide.

According to the interview her lawyer, William Ginsburg, grantedYediot Aharonot, Monica Lewinsky’s paternal grandfather left Germanyin the 1930s and emigrated to England.

Her father, Dr. Bernard S. Lewinsky, and her mother, Marcia,joined Sinai Temple in 1976, and Monica and her younger brother,Michael, attended the temple’s religious school.

Bernard Lewinsky, a cancer specialist, divorced Marcia, a sometimeauthor and free-lance journalist, about 10 years ago and hasremarried, all along keeping his Sinai Temple membership current.

He is apparently not involved in temple activities or in theJewish community in general, although Ginsburg claimed that BernardLewinsky recites the “Shema” every morning.

There is no evidence that Monica Lewinsky participated in Jewishstudent activities at either of the two colleges she attended, SantaMonica College and Lewis and Clark College in Portland, Ore. — fromwhich she earned a bachelor’s degree in psychology in 1995.

Ginsburg stressed in the interview with Yediot Aharonot thatLewinsky is prepared to testify about her relationship with thepresident in exchange for immunity, but he added that both he andLewinsky want to keep Clinton in the presidency, in part, because oftheir support of his policies vis-á-vis Israel.

“We are both Clinton fans and respect his positions and hispolicies regarding Israel,” he said. “I don’t want the president tostep down. Who knows who will follow Clinton and how he will relateto Israel?”

When asked if Lewinsky would flee to Israel, which is whatMaryland teen-ager Samuel Sheinbein did last year after allegedlycommitting murder, Ginsburg said: “It would not be good for Monica’simage. She has to finish her part in the incident. After it’s allover, if Monica wants to go, that could be a great possibility. I’msure she would be very at ease in Israel.”

Lewinsky grew up in an affluent family that lived in a $1.6million home, and she attended Beverly Hills High School.

An insight into the family’s lifestyle is provided in courtrecords of the parents’ divorce proceedings, unearthed by the SantaMonica Outlook.

“I and the children have never had to worry about the cost ofanything that was reasonably desired,” the mother testified. Sherelated how the family traveled first class, spent $20,000 a year onvacations, ate at the finest restaurants, and housed a new Cadillacand a new Mercedes-Benz in their garage.

In addition, she said, “We have always provided the children withextensive extracurricular lessons and tutoring to satisfy any desiresthat either they or we may have.”

 

Editor Gene Lichtenstein on “Did youknow Monica Lewinsky was Jewish?”

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Where the Action Is

Leave a Comment / Old Stories /

These are threeexperiences that have made me most hate being Jewish:

1. Living, in Jerusalem’s Old City, among smugOrthodox holy-rollers, who are armored in their American-extractedmoney, their path cleared by the blood spilled by generations ofmostly secular Israelis, strutting around the clean square stones,spouting why God loves them best — Country Club conquerors throwingtheir shadows on simmering Arab shopkeepers.

2. When the cowardly among our people say, “Idon’t agree with the murder of Rabin, but I honor and understand themurderer’s motivation,” and I mull over what that portends for therest of us down the line.

3. The first time the word Hitler passed over my5-year-old son’s pink, plump, innocent lips.

These are five experiences during which I’vemost loved being Jewish:

1. Landing in Bombay for a five-month ramble andnearly vomiting out my soul at my first drink of that writhing,scab-faced, leprous smog-choked swarm, and then calling a number fromthe Jewish Travel Guide and finding myself, that first night, at aclean Shabbat table, singing familiar songs — a total stranger,totally welcome.

2. Witnessing the passion, intelligence andvariety of the congregants during the rousing Q&A sessionfollowing Shabbat morning services at my new shul.

3. When I bring in Shabbat with my family.

4. When I married my beautiful wife under aJerusalem sky.

5. Reading Jewish fairy tales to my son atnight.

These are my extreme love and hate moments; mostof the rest of my life, I’m Mr. In Between.

Never, ever, have I been a self-hating Jew. I havesome strong feelings about other Jews, but I’ve always felt glad andfortunate to be part of the tradition. I don’t say “proud” — a termthat has always struck me as a numbing Jewish cliché. I see”proud” as a way of sitting on the shoulders of others and callingoneself a giant. They tried to make me “proud” of being a Jew inHebrew School by pointing to Sandy Koufax. In yeshiva, they tried tomake me proud of being a Jew by retelling of how Ramban kickedCatholic ass in medieval disputations. Admirable fellows both, butI’m too much a child of America to take credit for theaccomplishments of others.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t say I am thoroughlya self-loving Jew either. Whenever I jolt awake with a Holocaustdream; whenever I dwell on the loving memorial to Baruch Goldstein(and wonder what that portends for the rest of us non-zealots);whenever I remember holding that phone in my hand during the Scudraids on Haifa and my brother, there, saying, “Adam, I have to go putthe bubble over the crib and get the baby down to the bomb shelter”– I wish I could cut and run and set up a surf shop in the furthestcorner of New Zealand.

Like most people, I have both positive andnegative feelings about the Jewish claim on my life. But unlike manyof them, and unlike myself for many years, I am committed to notallowing these conflicting feelings to cancel themselves out into adeadening indifference.

Nor will I give in to the temptation to settleinto one extreme or the other. In all corners of Jewish life andhistory, the admirable and the reprehensible live side by side,beginning to end — and clinging to one side without the other hasdone me no good in the past. It takes too much effort to sustainagainst the empirical evidence. It is a kind of lie, closing down, aforfeit.

I have a friend, for example, who says that hewill have nothing to do with Jewish experience anymore, maybe evenskipping his son’s bar mitzvah, because his big Los Angeles synagogueoffered no support — didn’t even call — when his parents diedsuddenly.

As for me, my dashed hopes in what Orthodoxypromised it would give my 21-year-old self led to a disappointmentand bitterness that has caused me to be absent in my Jewish life for14 years.

At the other extreme, I know people who thinkJudaism is so much the cat’s meow, did you hear that Buddha learnedfrom our sages, that Krishna is a derivative bastardization of Hashem– don’t even ask how the Egyptians designed the pyramids, much lessthe Mayans. For these myopics, everything good came from us (andaren’t we proud!). Everything bad comes from outside influences.Those nasty goyim.

It has been my experience that both of theseextremes are very comfortable, the way a mule in blinders iscomfortable. The scope of vision is narrowed. The possibility ofupset, diminished.

Me? Right now, I want to be upset. In between iswhere the action is. Being in between is the opportunity forheightened experience. Because I listen to all kinds of music, I can.

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Love, Jewish-American Style

Leave a Comment / Entertainment, Film, Old Stories /

Despite the abundance of Jewish filmmakers in the entertainmentindustry, Jewish Americans fall somewhere ahead of Asian-Americansand well below Anglo- and African-Americans as a group represented oncelluloid. And no one is more aware of that than film historian andauthor Harry Medved, whose “Cinema Beshert: Meeting Your Mate at theMovies” film series at the University of Judaism focuses on love,Jewish-American style.

Medved, 36, got the idea for the program after a screening of”Crossing Delancey” two years ago attracted a high quotient ofsingles. “An impromptu social hour followed…and we realized, what aconcept,” says Medved, who promptly created Cinema Beshert “to showsome great films about Jewish single life and invite filmmakers tospeak on Judaism and the dating scene, [followed by] informalmatchmaking after the screening.”

The UJ has been delightfully surprised by Cinema Beshert’ssuccess. For a recent screening of Julie Davis’ “I Love You! Don’tTouch Me!” — the tale of a 28-year-old neurotic Jewish girl’s searchfor a nice Jewish boy — 110 students attended despite littlepublicity.

Since then, Medved’s program, which appeals to the twenty- tothirtysomething set, has taken off. Upcoming films include “AmericanMatchmaker,” a 1940 Yiddish-language romance; “Carpati,” a compellingdocumentary produced by Emmy-winner David Notowitz, who retracesJewish heritage in the Ukraine; and the ever-popular “Diner,” BarryLevinson’s 1982 directing debut, which launched the careers of Jewishtalent (Steve Guttenberg, Paul Reiser and Ellen Barkin, amongothers).

A scene from”Carpati,” screening Feb. 22. Producer David Notowitz is scheduled toappear.

“These films are not only about people looking for soul mates butlooking for soul…young Jews returning to tradition,” says Medved.

Adding zing to these Sunday-evening screenings is the presence ofartists to discuss their involvement in the films. Past guests haveincluded director Paul Mazursky, composer Elmer Bernstein, and actorElliott Gould. Among the upcoming guests: Screenwriter Robert Avrechwill speak about “A Stranger Among Us.”

“We also include some wonderful short subjects unavailableanywhere else,” says Medved, “including Lewis Schoenbrun’s ‘TheGolem’ and David Frankel’s Oscar-winning short, ‘Dear Diary.'”

In the future, Medved envisions bringing Cinema Beshert to othercities.

In the broader sense, he would also like to see Hollywood depictmore positive images of Jewish women.

“It’s so rare when you stumble upon a sexy Jewish female in afeature film, like Alicia Silverstone in ‘Clueless.’ That wasdirected by a Jewish woman, but I’m looking forward to the day whenwe’ll see [positive Jewish female characters] in a film directed by aJewish man.”

For now, Medved is content to see the romance on screen at hisfilm series stimulating some real-life beshert off screen. “Severalcouples are dating as a result of this class. My only request is thatI get invited to their weddings.”

Cinema Beshert: Meeting Your Mate at the Movies screens onSundays, from 6:45 to 9:45 p.m., Feb. 1 through March 15. For moreinformation, contact the University of Judaism at (310) 476-9777,ext. 246.

 

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‘I Am Not an Adulterer’

Leave a Comment / Old Stories /

It was Ted Koppel who broke the news to all the world that our president does not consider oral sex to constitute adultery. That being the case, Koppel concluded, it was perfectly correct for Clinton to maintain to probing journalists that he had never had a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky. The president reportedly had once told Arkansas state troopers that oral sex is not, according to the Bible, adultery.

Is Clinton correct? “The answer is yes,” says Rabbi Elliot Dorff, a pre-eminent Conservative Jewish scholar on Jewish sexuality. Dorff explained that since the penalty for adultery was death, the ancient sages, as was their practice in the case of capital crimes, sought to define the act as narrowly as possible. Adultery, then, was defined as sex with a married woman.

But what kind of sex? Again, the rabbis narrowed their terms. Did the rabbis even know from oral sex? “Certainly,” said Dorff. “They weren’t bashful.”

The great scholar Maimonides, in the first chapter of “The Laws of Forbidden Intercourse,” decreed that adultery can only happen when “the penis of the man enters the vagina of the woman,” paraphrased Dorff, rector of the University of Judaism and author of a seminal report on Jewish law and sexuality.

On that score, Clinton is on firm ground: He would not have been strangled — the standard biblical penalty for adultery.

But if he did do what he is being accused of doing, he would have been, under his definition, whipped or fined. Those were the penalties for prostitution, a crime the rabbis defined broadly because no death penalty was involved. Prostitution involved any form of sexual contact with a woman other than one’s wife. In most countries, including Israel, such contact between consenting adults is no crime. “But Jewish tradition prizes marriage,” said Dorff. “The rabbis didn’t see consensual sex as outside the bounds of prostitution,” even if no money was involved.

In that, the ancient rabbis have something to say to all of us today, from presidents to paupers. “Whatever sex act you have [outside marriage] is certainly a breach of trust of the marital bond,” said Dorff, who also served on the Presidential Health Care Task Force headed by the first lady. “If he did what he’s accused of doing, Clinton subjected his wife and daughter to embarrassment and a breach of trust that a man owes his family. He also violated the fiduciary relationship between an employer and an employee. The biblical definition of adultery is the least of his problems.” –Robert Eshman, Managing Editor

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As Bibi Smiles, the Palestinians Sweat

Leave a Comment / Old Stories, Politics /

For the record, the Netanyahu administration isexpecting business as usual from President Clinton, despite histroubles with the likes of Monica Lewinsky.

“I have no doubt that President Clinton willcontinue to be personally involved in the peace process as he hasbeen up until now,” said Cabinet secretary Danny Naveh, one ofBinyamin Netanyahu’s closest aides.

But it was hard not to detect a certain gloatingin the Prime Minister’s Office, an inescapable sense of satisfactionthat Clinton, who has been trying to push Netanyahu to give more thanhe wants to give to the Palestinians, was now up to his neck introuble.

This perceived satisfaction on Netanyahu’s partgrew partly out of personal considerations. Clinton had hardly triedto hide his distaste and lack of trust for the Israeli primeminister, and he had treated him in cavalier fashion duringNetanyahu’s visit to Washington last week. House Speaker NewtGingrich, Clinton’s political enemy and Netanyahu’s ally, called it”snub diplomacy.”

But aside from whatever personal glow Netanyahumay have been getting from Clinton’s problems, he stood to reap agreat political benefit from the Lewinsky accusations: With Clintonweakened and preoccupied with survival, he had far less ability topress Netanyahu for concessions on the peace process.

With Clinton’s status falling, the RepublicanParty’s status stood to rise, and the GOP, which controls the Senateand House, is Netanyahu’s single-most important foreign ally. TheIsraeli government, it seemed, could breathe much easier, at leastuntil “Naughtygate,” or “Monicagate,” or whatever it was beingcalled, sorted itself out. The scandal broke just as Netanyahu,followed by Yasser Arafat, arrived in Washington to meet withClinton. Monica Lewinsky made them disappear, and, for Netanyahu, atleast, that was just fine.

Some of Netanyahu’s colleagues didn’t bother tohide their good cheer over the sex-lies-and-audiotapes controversy.”American pressure will diminish, and I see this as a positivedevelopment,” said Likud Knesset Member Naomi Blumenthal.

In general, Israelis who favored Netanyahu’stight-fisted line on the peace process were happy about the Lewinsky”Affair,” while the more dovish saw it as a serious blow to Israel’sinterests. Some of the latter, however, tried to advise the Netanyahuadministration against overconfidence.

“I would recommend that the Israeli government notbank on false hopes,” said Tel Aviv Mayor Roni Milo, a Likud dove whoopposes Netanyahu. “It might be that precisely because Clinton is introuble, he will have that much more motivation to achieve a majorforeign policy success, and will press the Israelis and Palestiniansharder toward agreement.”

There was yet another point of view: that MonicaLewinsky would have no effect on the fortunes of the Middle East.This was the opinion held by one of Israel’s premier politicalscientists, Hebrew University Professor Shlomo Avineri. He arguedthat Clinton, like all U.S. presidents, has a marginal effect onIsraeli-Arab affairs, so the diminution of Clinton’s powers would notmake much difference to the people of the region.

“The U.S. only has real leverage on Middle Eastpeace talks in times of acute crisis — such as in the Yom KippurWar, the Lebanon War, and the Gulf War — or when there is politicalwill on both sides — such as in the Camp David Accords,” Avinerisaid. “We are not in an acute crisis, and there is no evidence ofpolitical will for an agreement. Obviously, Netanyahu and Arafatdon’t see eye to eye.”

On the Palestinian street, there was talk of aJewish conspiracy. “In the Arab world and among the Palestinians,many people believe that because Monica Lewinsky is Jewish, theWashington sex scandal is nothing but another stunt by the IsraeliMossad intended to distract the attention of the American public andof President Clinton away from the peace process. In East Jerusalem,you could hear perfectly serious people saying that the timing of thenew scandal could not possibly be a coincidence. According to thatversion, the Israelis were alarmed by the possibility that thepresident might take a pro-Palestinian stance, and quickly cooked upthe new sex scandal,” wrote Ha’aretz’s Danny Rubinstein, one ofIsrael’s premier Palestinian-affairs journalists.

Hamas spiritual leader Sheikh Ahmed Yassin had nodoubt who was behind the “bimbo eruption” in Washington. “The Zionistlobby and world Zionism creates disasters for anyone who may cause itproblems,” the sheikh said.

It was widely noted in Israel that Monicagatebroke almost exactly one year after the Bar-On Affair corruptionaffair surfaced here. It was also noted that the principals in theBar-On Affair, chiefly Netanyahu, emerged untouched, if notstrengthened. Finally, it was noted that while Americans make such abig deal out of their presidents’ sex lives, Netanyahu’s 1993admission of an extramarital affair never hurt him a whit. Israel, itwas remembered, is not America.

Clinton remains a popular figure in Israel, and,in his hour of need, Israelis felt sympathy for him. In a poll takena few days after Monicagate hit the news, the respectedGeocartography Institute found that 56 percent of Israelis sided withthe president, and 29 percent opposed him. Recalling Clinton’s famousfarewell, “Shalom, Haver,” to Yitzhak Rabin, billboards featuringClinton’s picture began appearing. The caption read: “We’re with you,haver.”

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