A few weeks ago, our beloved son and brother, Avi, died of a drug overdose at the age of 26. Overdoses are not uncommon in the Orthodox community, but families often cover up the cause of death due to denial, shame and perceived social pressure. Such whitewashing is not limited to the loved one’s death, but often extends to their life. And it is not the addicts’ families alone who do this — our Jewish community as a whole looks derisively at the addicts among us.
We believe that such ostracizing is mistaken — destructive and often fatal. We are not ashamed of Avi. We take pride in his life, we sympathize with his pain, and we stand in awe of his heroic struggle to overcome addiction.
It is a shame you will never meet Avi, for he was one of the most outstanding individuals — in terms of kindness, character, love of Jews and humanity — that we have ever known.
Avi was a paradigm of generosity. If he had something, he gave it unhesitatingly.If he ran out of money, he would offer whatever he had — food, his bed and, most significantly, his time. When a friend of his could not afford an engagement ring, Avi sold his upright bass violin to fund it. Avi was willing to give his life to others, so it came as no surprise when he made aliyah and joined the Israel Defense Forces.
Avi was committed to his friends as if they were his siblings. He would drop anything to spend time with one who needed him. Avi saved up to climb Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania. As he and his pals began the trek up the highest mountain in Africa, one friend got ill. Avi insisted that he accompany this friend back to ensure he received proper care. For Avi, friends were more important than even the greatest of mountains.
Avi experienced horrible pain in his life, including the loss of his mother. But this pain never expressed itself in anger or self-pity; it translated into caring. His hurt enabled him to understand the pain of others and to help them overcome it. So many people told us Avi helped them in times of desperation — he was able to pull them out because he had pulled himself out.
He made friends with homeless people in the streets. He kept his fellow IDF soldiers entertained for hours. He played music for autistic children. We received a message from a man once lost at an airport. Avi noticed he looked lost and immediately offered him a ride. That was Avi: Someone in need, whether friend or stranger, was someone to be helped.
We stand in awe of his heroic struggle to overcome addiction. And the more we learn about the trials and tribulations of recovery, the more respect and appreciation we have for those like him. Most people in our community think that drug/alcohol addiction is a choice. They think that when addicts realize the destructiveness of their addiction, they should just go to rehab and stop. People who do not stop, they believe, lack responsibility. Such beliefs are simply in error.
According to the National Institutes of Health, “Addiction is a chronic disease similar to other chronic diseases such as type II diabetes, cancer, and cardiovascular disease. No one chooses to be a drug addict or to develop heart disease. Addiction, like other chronic diseases, is a heritable disorder and genes play a role in vulnerability to addiction. As with all complex diseases, environmental risk and protective factors interact with genetics to determine the course and outcome of disease.” Recent evidence confirms that drug use literally rewires the brain, making the already challenging task of self-control infinitely more difficult, if not impossible.
If someone you know died young from heart disease, would the family cover up the cause of death? Do you look disparagingly at people with diabetes or those who die after months of fighting cancer? Do you ostracize members of your community who diet but never lose weight?
Given the realities of the science behind addiction, the difficulties of the lived experience of recovery are simply astounding. Though Avi ultimately succumbed to his disease, he remained clean for almost an entire year. For that year, he volunteered to work with addicts, spoke at Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings, inspired others to do what feels impossible to do. For that last year, Avi daily reflected on how to change, daily sought to make amends, daily prayed to overcome his weaknesses. How often have you engaged in such intense and continuous self-reflection to change your weaknesses?
As Jewish recovering addicts begin rebuilding their lives, they often experience isolation from a community that fails to understand them — precisely at a time when they need community the most. Our shiva home turned into a place where recovering addicts — men and women, Jews and non-Jews, from all walks of life — could be heard as they talked about the trials and triumphs of recovery, as well as the experience of watching so many loved ones, like Avi, be destroyed by their disease.
There are good chances that you know someone wrestling with substance abuse. We urge you to reconsider the way you relate to them. Encourage them to seek help. But professional help is never enough — you must support them throughout the process. Take an hour and visit an Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Doing so, you will quickly realize why recovering addicts are our family’s heroes — and that the Jewish community should treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve.
If only the Jewish community would learn a little from the life and loss of our dear son and brother, Avi — to be more caring of others, more sensitive to the pain around us and more appreciative of the difficult circumstances in which so many find themselves — perhaps we would lose fewer of our sons and brothers.
Avi Pincus is survived by his family, who authored this article.
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