‘You Did a Good Job’

As Jews, we are instructed to say 100 blessings every day, each of them making us aware of the many things for which we are grateful – from simple bodily functions to the beauty of the world in which we live. With the publication of my new book, “Jewish Communal Leadership: Lessons Learned from Leading Practitioners”  (with Jason G. Goldman), I have been thinking about the way in which we show, or don’t show, gratitude to our leaders in the workplace, especially in the Jewish community.

“We often think of our leaders as we do our parents,” my friend, mentor, and business consultant Stuart Matlins says to me. “We believe our parents know everything and they’ll solve every problem. Same thing with our leaders. We “parentize” our leaders, especially our CEOs and presidents of organizations. And just as we children hardly ever complement our parents, when do we ever complement our leaders? We rarely say to them, “You’ve done a good job.”

“Parentize?” I wonder, “Is that a word?” “Well,” Stuart chuckles, “it’s a word I coined to describe the relationship that usually takes place between a leader and follower, a boss and an employee.

Stuart then told me the following story to illustrate the power of his idea.

“It reminds me of a conversation about careers and relationships I had years ago with a friend.  He told me that years before he had resigned from the firm where he grew up professionally – an organization where he had expected to spend the entirety of his already very successful career – because he wanted to change his lifestyle.  

After receiving my friend’s resignation letter, the CEO came to his office and pulled up a chair on the visitor side of his elegant desk.  The CEO, a person of extraordinary leadership skills with whom my friend had a strong personal relationship, had successfully taken the firm through several difficult years of major changes. He asked my friend: ‘You’ve always talked straight with me.  Is there anything I can do to change your mind.”’ My friend answered: ‘No.  I’m not unhappy about anything here, I just want to change the way I’m leading my life.’  

The CEO responded: ‘Thanks for being direct and not wasting my time.  You know what I think about what you’ve done here.  If you ever change your mind, just call me to come back.’

As the CEO started to leave, my friend said to him:  ‘Has anyone told you what the team thinks about what you’ve done?’ Surprised at the question, the CEO responded: ‘No.’

My friend told him: ‘Everyone thinks you’ve done a really good job.’

The CEO, startled, stopped halfway out of the chair and said: ‘Thanks,’ as a tear rolled down his cheek, and departed. 

Everyone looked for the CEO’s approval, but no one ever told him – the leader – what they thought of his performance. “

When I heard this story about “parentizing” and the power of giving thanks in the workplace, I immediately thought of my actual parents as they confronted the imminent death of my mother. Bernice Wolfson, z’l, was a brilliant woman, an entrepreneur from the time she graduated college in 1948, a successful businesswoman and a trailblazing volunteer, all while raising three rambunctious boys. She also had a no-nonsense, sometimes acerbic tongue. My father Alan, z’l,  was completely devoted to the woman he affectionately called “Babe,” and her to him. A four-pack-a-day cigarette smoker, he suffered a major heart attack at 55, followed by a quintuple open heart bypass surgery a few years later. Mom insisted he retire from the rough-and-tumble family grocery business, becoming his full-time health monitor. “Alan, don’t eat that! Alan, did you take your pills?”

As she grew older, diabetes began to take a toll on her body. While she cared deeply about everyone else’s health, Mom let her own steadily decline. Her feet constantly swollen, her back in terrible pain and unable to sleep well, she mostly lived in a lift chair recliner, addicted to pain pills.  She hated doctor visits. It was no surprise when one day at age 83, Mom spiraled into an uncontrollable delirium. The ambulance was summoned, she was admitted in the hospital, and immediately placed in a medically induced coma. Tests were ordered to discover what was going on.

The scans revealed a surprise: Mom’s body was riddled with tumors. We asked her primary physician if any of this had shown up on her mammogram. What she said shocked us to our core: “Your mother has never had a mammogram. She refused all screenings.”  After three days, she miraculously awakened from the coma, remembering nothing about the delirium episode. The doctor explained what had happened and gently informed Mom of the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. For the next couple of days, Mom was in and out of morphine-induced consciousness. One afternoon as I sat by her bedside, her eyes opened. I said: “Mom, is there anything we can do for you?” Her eyes locked on mine and she answered, with no small hint of sarcasm, “Yeah. Dig a hole.”

A day later, the doctor told my brothers and me that it would be important for us to know what kind of cancer Mom had and recommended a biopsy. It was pancreatic. She was placed in hospice care while still in the hospital. Almost all treatments were halted and it was clear the end was near.

On a Saturday night, Mom was awake and fully present. The family gathered around her bedside to say our farewells, each of us taking turns holding her hand, kissing her on the forehead, thanking her, saying how much we loved her. Finally, it was Dad’s turn to say goodbye. Wondering what final words he would say to his beloved wife of 62 years, I witnessed one of the most remarkable moments of my life. Dad bent over the bed, gave Mom a kiss, and said: “Babe, you did a good job.”

These were the last words my mother heard; she fell out of consciousness that night and died 48 hours later. I have no doubt they were exactly the words, exactly the gratitude she wanted to know before she left this world.

Whether boss, employee, teacher, student, child, parent, or anyone serving you, these are the words most people want to hear the most, not just during the holidays. Yet, in this time of thanksgiving and rededication, take the opportunity to tell your supervisor, your boss, your parents: “You’re doing a good job.” They may even return the favor.

Whether boss, employee, teacher, student, child, parent or anyone serving you, these are the words most people want to hear the most, not just during the holidays. Yet, in this time of thanksgiving and rededication, take the opportunity to tell your supervisor, your boss, your parents: “You’re doing a good job.” They may even return the favor.

Rabbi Dr. Ron Wolfson is Fingerhut Professor of Education, American Jewish University and President of The Kripke Institute. His latest book is Jewish Communal Leadership: Lessons Learned from Leading Practitioners, jewishleadershipbook.com