The great majority of events in the Jewish community (at least before this pandemic madness) are festive. That is how organizations attract people to their galas and fundraisers: great venue, cool music, sharp MC, good food, glittering honorees, and so on. Hundreds of people laughing and schmoozing—that’s the general tone of community events.
A funeral is the very opposite. The tone is somber, sober, humbling, deeply serious. We feel guilty if we smile. Our body language is different. We honor the grieving precisely by being serious. We confront the deepest loss.
Maybe that’s why nobody gets too excited about attending funerals. Who wants to be reminded of death? Isn’t the Jewish tradition all about choosing and celebrating life? Who wants to think of their own mortality?
Nobody gets too excited about attending funerals. Who wants to be reminded of death? Isn’t the Jewish tradition all about choosing and celebrating life?
These questions were on my mind recently as I attended two funerals during the same week. Although I’ve attended my share of funerals over the years, these felt different. Maybe it’s the prolonged isolation of the COVID pandemic that put me in a more pensive mood. Whatever it was, I saw the funeral experience in a new light.
The same people with whom I would normally laugh and schmooze looked different, and so did I. Our heads were down. Our thoughts were not on one another but on the person who died, and those who were grieving.
I noted the one thing that ties together funerals and galas—they both honor people. The difference, of course, is that at a funeral, the honoree is there only in spirit, and there are no videos or bands or awards. There are just stories.
Because there are no frills and the mood is somber, these stories tend to resonate more deeply. We’re there, after all, to pay attention. The whole ethos of a funeral, in fact, is to pay attention. A person has died. If we don’t pay attention then, when will we?
Paying close attention to the stories of a person’s life—that simple act may summarize the unique role that funerals and memorials play in a community’s life. There are few events that demand so much of us. The experience of death, of permanent physical loss, is so deep that it brings out naturally our deepest side.
Paying close attention to the stories of a person’s life—that simple act may summarize the unique role that funerals and memorials play in a community’s life.
But deep is not always fun. Many of us go to funerals with an “I can’t wait until this is over” attitude. In truth, nothing can touch us as profoundly as the end-of-life experience. It takes us out of ourselves and into the lives of others. It forces us to reflect on the very monumental thing that was lost—a human life.
We will always have wonderful festive events. But funerals give us a singular chance to slow down, go deep and elevate life itself.
