In all the years I have spent observing how we Jews speak to married couples, I have always recoiled with disappointment over one well-intentioned, but deeply troublesome question: “Are you going to have children?”
Sometimes, the question is modified to “Are you going to have more children?” I admit that the worst inquiry is also the most invasive: A perfectly nice individual will smile and ask an unassuming married couple, “Don’t you want kids?” without seemingly any thought as to whether the couple has struggled with infertility.
Gila Block and her husband were 22-year-old graduate students in New York when they first received a devastating infertility diagnosis. Their first doctor’s appointment was “one of the worst I can remember,” she told me. Depleted from hearing the doctor’s assessment, followed by descriptions of what was to come next, the final blow for the couple was hearing how much it would cost to undergo fertility treatments, without any assurance of success.
Block, who was born and raised in Los Angeles, had always loved children. As a teenager, she was known as the sweet teen who loved holding babies, as well as babysitting. After marriage, she had assumed that the road to parenthood would be all but guaranteed. But after four years of treatment, including several cycles of IVF, Block knew that she needed more support in her fertility journey.
In her last year of treatment, Block finally understood her longing for connection. Among her Jewish community as well as her friends, not having children made Block feel viscerally different.
That deep need for support and connection inspired Block to create a small support group of other young women dealing with infertility problems who met around her dining room table in Queens. Today, that support group has morphed into the nation’s leading nonprofit supporting Jewish people facing infertility, Yesh Tikva.
Block founded Yesh Tikva (“There is Hope” in Hebrew) in 2015, when she was only 27. At the time, one in eight men and women faced infertility. Today, that number has risen to one in six, according to the World Health Organization.
In 2016, Block and her husband moved back to L.A. and Yesh Tikva moved its national offices here. In New York, most Yesh Tikva programs were virtual. “Because we started virtually, we had the impact touch nationally,” said development director Jackie Louk.
Their approach is multi-layered: Jewish men and women facing infertility needed support nationwide; and their family, friends and community needed more awareness, education, and sometimes, basic compassion, to offer that support. Most important of all, Yesh Tikva hoped to end the silence over infertility in the Jewish community.
In the past 10 years, the organization has offered a remarkable array of resources nationwide, all of them free: “C3” (Compassion, Conversation, Community) groups offer virtual emotional support by professionals. With “Fertility Friends,” participants are paired with a fellow “fertility warrior” who has faced similar challenges as them. The organization offers free, confidential support groups as well as an infertility support helpline.
There are “Tikva Talks” that feature lectures by reproductive endocrinologists, mental health professionals and even attorneys who discuss topics related to fertility journeys. Yesh Tikva’s annual Infertility Awareness Shabbat is a unique campaign that raises infertility awareness across North America. This year’s Infertility Awareness Shabbat will be held internationally over the weekend of March 27-30, with a goal of bringing as many Jewish communities and denominations together as possible.
Talking with Block, I began to understand that everything at Yesh Tikva is handled with a certain mindfulness and sensitivity that most of us take for granted. For example, this year’s Infertility Awareness Shabbat is deliberately scheduled to take place two weeks before Passover.
Talking with Block, I began to understand that everything at Yesh Tikva is handled with a certain mindfulness and sensitivity that most of us take for granted.
That is significant, because, as Block explained, “Passover is the most child-centered of the Jewish rituals and holidays.” Then she shared a heartbreaking observation: “We want to spread this concept of ‘Yes … and.’ Yes, we need to keep celebrating children; they’re the cornerstone of our existence, and there are those who are dreaming of holding their own children in their arms one day, and we have the opportunity to also include them in this holiday.”
Many Jewish rituals focus on the family unit, but “there are people out there who so badly also want to participate in that, and for reasons outside of their own control, have not yet been blessed with the opportunity to have children,” said Block. That makes Yesh Tikva’s work of raising awareness about the reality of infertility even more important.
The organization also helps volunteers create hundreds of “Care Packages of Hope” each year to mail to “fertility warriors” nationwide (recipients abroad, including those in Israel, receive gift cards). On Dec. 9, I attended a Yesh Atid fundraiser at Young Israel of Century City (YICC), featuring Pizza Girl founder Caroline D’Amore, a steadfast ally of Israel and the Jewish community in the aftermath of Oct. 7.
Attendees created over 200 care packages and Hanukkah cards with messages of love and hope for Yesh Tikva participants facing infertility. They also enjoyed fresh pizza, courtesy of Pizza Girl’s portable pizza ovens that were new (and hence, kosher). D’Amore was only five years old when she lost her mother, Bonnie Major, because of an unchecked blood transfusion. Major mistakenly received blood containing the AIDS virus.
“I am living the life my mother would have wanted me to live,” D’Amore said as she addressed a large gathering of attendees at YICC. The entrepreneur then shared that many in the Jewish community who have acknowledged and thanked her for her support have been women, and mothers, in particular.
Out of all the Yesh Tikva programs I discussed with Block, the #OneCandle initiative moved me most deeply. Women across the country sign up online to receive a beautiful Shabbat candle holder, along with the Hebrew names of three to five Jewish people struggling with infertility. When those women light their Shabbat candles each week, they leave the Yesh Tikva candle unlit and pray on behalf of those individuals. “We’re adding on more names than we’re taking off,” Block admitted somberly.
The initiative was started by board member Ayala Gross and is described on the Yesh Tikva website as “an act of protest and a plea for miracles.” If the individuals for whom participants pray do have a child, that candle is also lit alongside the others during Shabbat candle lighting. It is one of the most powerfully visual and beautiful gestures I have ever heard in our extraordinary Jewish community.
One of the best perks for Yesh Tikva staff is to notify #OneCandle participants that the recipient of their weekly prayers has had a child. Recently, a couple who had remained on prayer lists for two years had their first child. #OneCandle participants shared this joy by finally lighting that candle.
In the past year, the organization has seen a 33% rise in participants that have needed services. Yesh Tikva boasts staff and offices nationwide. Locally, it has more than 100 volunteers and has received the support of major organizations, including the Jewish Community Foundation. Due to the increased need for its services, the nonprofit nearly doubles its budget each year.
I am particularly touched by Yesh Tikva’s mission to bring the community that is not or has not struggled with infertility into the experience of those who have. The nonprofit even offers talking points on what to say when someone is dealing with infertility or has suffered a loss.
“If you’re spending time with someone who is battling infertility, it doesn’t mean you can’t have your own kids around or talk about your kids,” said Block. “Again, it’s a ‘Yes … and.’ Just be aware of who you’re talking to and be more mindful. Just like you wouldn’t spend hours talking about how much you love your job in front of someone who just lost their job.”
Today, Block and her husband have three children. Her first “miracle baby,” as she called her, was born shortly before Block and her husband moved back to L.A.
Block’s bigger dream is to establish a brick-and-mortar space where “people can just drop in when life feels heavy and they need to get away. When they need someone to talk to, a meal because they’re about to start treatment, or just a couch to sit on. Somewhere to be that isn’t around triggering people. A place to call their community.” But her biggest dream? “That no one again faces an infertility journey alone.”
“Hope (“tikva”) is the cornerstone of what we need to function on a daily basis,” she said. “As long as I have hope that I can get through the day, everything changes. We can’t promise anyone will have a baby. But we can promise we will show up for you and that you are not alone.”
For more information, visit yeshtikva.org or email support@yeshtikva.org (and follow on Instagram @yesh_tikva).
Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X and Instagram @TabbyRefael.
More news and opinions than at a Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.