Satirical Semite: Dating FAQs

The dating frontlines are crazier than ever, and 2024 promises to include even more lunacy. Clear patterns emerge if you hang around somewhere long enough. There are three commonly-asked questions that I get asked on dates. I wanted to answer “thank you for asking! I’ve written it all down in an article, and I’ll send you a link by AirDrop” (I don’t date people who use Android phones) but that wasn’t practical because I hadn’t written them down. Until now.

Question One that I get asked in 2024 is highly intrusive and dives straight into personal medical history. “Are you vaccinated?”. Yes, but the question is really a euphemism for “I believe the propaganda that COVID vaccines make people infertile, I want to have kids someday, so I want to know if your body is still fit for procreation, as well as recreation?”

I want to share that, yes I had two vaccine shots and one booster, no I wouldn’t have any more because I stopped believing in their efficacy, yes plenty of people have still had children after receiving a vaccine — including one of my best friends, whose two beautiful daughters are a living antidotes to this meshugas – and no, we will not be having a second date.

Question Two is more complex, and gets asked on 90% of dates: “Why haven’t you been married before?” Possible answers range from the respectful – “great question, I’m glad you asked” (except I’m not), the evasive – “don’t know”, the existentially bewildered – “ask Hashem!”, the paranoically-despairing – “it’s my sub-average looks!” “My off-center Jewish nose!” “My sub-6-foot Ashkenazically-challenged lack of height!”;  to the subject-deflecting “who do you think really blew up the Nordstream 2 pipeline?”

Admittedly the cadence of that paragraph does remind me of favorite monologue from my favorite 19th-century French play “Cyrano de Bergerac,” which in turn sounds like a completely pretentious sentence, but at this point in the date I’d willingly face rejection for pretension as a trade for having to sit through another minute of those dates.

The problem with the “Why haven’t you been married before?” line of questioning is that it feels too Freudian-therapy-on-a-couch for a relaxed getting-to-know-you conversation. 

The problem with the “Why haven’t you been married before?” line of questioning is that it feels too Freudian-therapy-on-a-couch for a relaxed getting-to-know-you conversation. It’s also the subtext for three other questions:  1) What is wrong with you that you’re still single?;  2) Do you have the emotional awareness to know what is wrong with you?; 3) Can you learn from that diagnosis, display the emotional intelligence to acknowledge your mistakes and personality faults, and have you taken sufficient action from this self-reflection to change course? 

At this point on the date I just want to talk about who really blew up the Nord Stream pipeline. Or anything else. Except question three. 

Question Three is “What are you looking for?”  Wrong answers include “someone just like my ex-girlfriend,” so a safe zone is something non-specific like “I’m looking for a smoking-hot heiress of child-bearing age with ailing parents and no siblings”.

Question Four is the nightmare. Fortunately it is rarely asked, but when it is, my cover has immediately been blown, it’s cards-on-the-table time, and there is nowhere to hide. It goes like this; “I did some research before meeting you, and wondered if I will end up being written about in one of your satirical dating columns?”

Obviously the answer is no! Definitely not. It’s probably unlikely. Well, it’s fair to say that it’s quite unlikely. It really depends on how bizarre the evening gets. And whether it turns into a story. The most honest answer would be “OK, everything has its price, if I can recoup some of the financial losses from these decades of tragicomedy dates by selling the story to the highest bidder, then it’s a “yes”,  at which point I pull out a release form from my briefcase, dial in my lawyer as a witness on Facetime, and ask my date to sign on the dotted line.

The best question of all time was “PLEASE can I get mentioned in one of your columns?” As a direct response to her question, hello to Rebecca in Chattanooga, Tennessee! (Obviously I have changed her name and location for both anonymity and discretion, since her name isn’t really Rebecca, but it’s Claire, and she lives in London, England).

Marcus J Freed is an actor, author, marketing consultant and founder of The Jewish Filmmakers Network. www.marcusjfreed.com, www.freedthinking.com and on social @marcusjfreed.