Finding Emotional Balance During a Time of War

We are stunned, speechless, traumatized. As Simchat Torah ended and we learned the scope of the unprecedented terror attacks in Israel, it almost felt like we were turning back the calendar to Tisha b’Av, with us crying “Eicha” – how? How did this happen? We are further shaken by emboldened Jew-haters rallying around the world to defend the violence, university leadership that stays mute when student groups laud Hamas atrocities, and the realization that many people we thought of as “friends” remain silent, if not actually daring to apologize for the monstrous evil committed against us.  

Despite this sudden and overwhelming war reality, we must live our lives. This means we need to learn to cope with our individual and communal trauma and fears. I offer the following ideas that resonate with me, and I hope will resonate with you, too. They have been gleaned from several sources, including Rebbetzin Shira Smiles, Rebbetzin Dina Schoonmaker, Rabbi David Lapin, mindfulness coach Rabbi Dov Ber Cohen, and my personal experiences and observations.

Checking the news frequently if not obsessively fosters a mistaken sense of control. Submerging ourselves in the news depresses and depletes us, misdirecting our emotional energy. 

1. Checking the news frequently if not obsessively fosters a mistaken sense of control. Submerging ourselves in the news depresses and depletes us, misdirecting our emotional energy. It changes nothing on the battlefield but leaves us unavailable for our own needs and those of our loved ones. Limit news checks to two or three times a day, maximum. 

2. Instead, we can channel our energy into building a strengthened spiritual reality. Prayer, acts of kindness, acts of forgiveness, Torah study, and similar things are powerful ways of bringing achdut (unity) and kedusha (holiness) into the world. Every act helps protect the IDF and the people of Israel. No act is too small for God to notice. 

3. Terrorists engage in psychological warfare by luring us to look at images of their evil, and in the process, debilitating us. We must protect our souls and those of our children by refusing to look at such traumatizing images. We must do everything in our power to protect children from images that will haunt them for life.

Getting out of ourselves and uplifting others is a great way to resist falling into gloom or depression. Think: Who could use a phone call? A visit? A note of thanks or offer of practical help? 

4. Getting out of ourselves and uplifting others is a great way to resist falling into gloom or depression. Think: Who could use a phone call? A visit? A note of thanks or offer of practical help? I know I felt much better after buying several yoga mats and dropping them off at a home jammed with volunteers packing hundreds of boxes of needed supplies to be sent to Israel: Children’s toys and diapers, men’s socks, snacks, first-aid kits, blankets, and much more. My contribution was paltry compared to the donor who had purchased 1,000 yoga mats, but this didn’t matter. I took a small, meaningful action. I was part of the team.

5. Mindfulness teaches us to allow ourselves to experience our feelings, including pain, anger, helplessness, fear, grief, and worry. We need to acknowledge and validate these feelings. We can say, “This is how I feel now,” and share them with close supportive people. But we can’t allow those feelings to dictate our lives. We need to live purposefully and as normally as possible. This includes self-care: Healthy food and sleep, creative self-expression, and as normal a schedule as possible. 

6. We can learn to let go of small, petty concerns and irritations, giving us space to focus on the big picture. This helps us develop an expanded versus narrow consciousness. With this expanded consciousness, we will win the psychological battle that our enemies wage as they try to depress and humiliate us. It’s hard to resist giving in to moments of frustration or irritation, so it can help if we say, “God, in the merit of my self-control in this moment, please protect the Jewish people who are in danger now.” 

7. God often expects us to hold conflicting emotions, such as joy and pain, simultaneously. No one has more experience with this than we do. And despite our darkest hours, we have always persevered and prevailed. Just as there were weddings in Jewish ghettos and Simchat Torah celebrations in the Nazi camps, today, IDF soldiers are dancing and singing with the Torah as they wait for orders to enter Gaza. We can and must build our emotional resilience to carry on for the long haul. 

8. We are all on the front lines, only in different divisions. Some of us are in the Tefillah (prayer) division; others the Tzedakah brigade; others a kindness unit. We are not powerless. We have agency, physically and spiritually. God is watching and waiting for us to show the same kind of unity after this crisis passes that we are remarkably skilled at showing during a crisis. Many leaders have made the rather obvious connection between the vicious divisiveness in Israel in recent months and this catastrophe. We must learn to disagree without tearing one another apart. If we are too busy looking for the enemy within, we will miss the enemy without. Disunity and contempt weaken and endanger us. 

 9. We can feel uplifted and encouraged by the daily miracles that are unfolding in Israel and by the tidal wave of goodness, giving, unity, determination, and self-sacrifice demonstrated by Jews worldwide. A spiritual renaissance is taking place. Thousands of secular soldiers are requesting tzitzit. These spiritual garments are being sponsored and manufactured at breakneck pace. Mothers of soldiers on the front lines are volunteering in supermarkets. The minute a call goes out asking for sleeping space for displaced families, even numbering into the thousands, a deluge of offers fills the need. Every Jewish community of any size is gathering supplies in donated duffel bags and suitcases to be sent on cargo planes to Israel. The daily, even hourly outpourings of financial, material, emotional, psychological, spiritual, logistical, and physical assistance are overwhelming. Mi k’amcha Yisrael? Who is like you, Israel?  With this sort of unbelievable, almost superhuman positive response to this new war, we all have reason to take heart, and go forward with renewed strength, courage, faith, and confidence.

Judy Gruen is the author of several books, including “The Skeptic and the Rabbi: Falling in Love With Faith.” Her next book, “Bylines and Blessings,” will be published in February 2024.