I Don’t Want to Exercise

Do you know who cares if you exercise? The people that sell exercise equipment. After that, pretty much zilch. That includes your parents, children, friends, and spouse. Most of the time, they just don’t care. Two reasons exercisers are hated is one, they whine about every ache and pain and two, they hock you to death about why you’re not living up to their standards. Of course, your friends and family are proud of you and want you to be healthy. They just don’t want to hear how fast you got your heart up to today. How would you like to hear every time they eat chocolate, drink coke and nap? Leave them alone.

I have been exercising at least six days a week and sometimes seven for close to ten years. Hot, cold, fat, thin, I get it done. And I don’t talk to my family about it, especially the ones that never exercise — unless, of course, I’m in the mood for some eye rolling. When I first started exercising, I hated it as much as Nancy Pelosi would hate being married to Donald Trump (imagine those fights). But I did it.

My mother had a favorite expression. “Like it or lump it, but just do it.” Most mornings I get up and the first thought in my head is, “I don’t want to exercise. I hate exercising. I’m going to kill myself.” Then thought number two is, “I don’t want to get up. I am so tired. I’m going to kill myself.” I then walk “zombie like” to the bathroom, do my business, wash up and put on my workout gear. Putting on your gear sends a clear message to the anti-exercise voices that you’re serious. The voices hate that.

Now here’s the left turn. Before exercising, I make breakfast for my wife. I do that seven days a week. A lot of times I don’t want to do it, but like it or lump it, I do it even if the night before we had a fight. Sure, I might think about poisoning her, but my Rabbi said thinking and doing are two different things.

I also always try and make sure not to leave a mess even though she always finds something. Then I walk the dog, which I also don’t like to do. I’ve come to realize no matter how much I don’t want to do something, I can still do it.

To me, Disneyland was a torture chamber, but I went and smiled. You cannot maintain a marriage, friendship, or relationship with your children if you only do the things that you want to do. Even when you do nice things for people, it doesn’t matter. I remember doing a million things for my kids and guess what: at times, they still hated me.

You cannot maintain a marriage, friendship, or relationship with your children if you only do the things that you want to do.

I beg and I implore you to never ever bring up what you’ve done for someone else. It doesn’t work because they’ll just throw back in your face what they’ve done for you. Except my kids. They can’t seem to come up with anything that they’ve done for me.

So, here’s the deal. If possible, in the mornings, try and do something for someone before you do something for yourself, even if it’s feeding a stray cat. It gets you out of yourself. Most mothers intuitively know this. I had to learn it. My experience is that when I do something for someone else, it sets a nice tone, especially in the morning. Then, after that’s done, it can become more about me. I can now exercise, shower, do my prayers and meditate. And I can do all of that pretty much guilt free (I’m Jewish, so there is no 100% guilt free).

If I wake up and it’s only about my needs and my wants, then I might stay that way for the rest of the day. Thinking about someone else is freeing. Plus, by making breakfast, my wife can never say, “You never do anything for me.” Actually, she could, but it’s harder.

So, find that lucky person or persons you are going to do something nice for tomorrow morning. And if you can’t find them, you can always drop coffee at my house. I take it black, no sugar or cream.

Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer.