Dear Yenta,
I’m a smaller lady, about 5’3″, and, honestly, I think there might be a point at which a penis can be too big. Sex with my husband can be really painful sometimes, especially when we haven’t had sex for awhile (traveling, short-term job in a distant city, etc.) I almost always bleed just a little after having sex maybe the first 5 times after a dry spell. And I also get frequent bladder infections, which my doctor said can be caused by too much sex. Anyway, my question for you is do you have ideas for a smaller lady accommodating a larger man? Are there any resources out there?
-Taking the Meat
Dear TTM,
First of all, a penis can never be “too large.” God made that large penis, so perhaps it just feels too large for you. In order to enjoy this giant, start by ditching whatever sexual script you were fed. This means trying to wipe your sexual psychology clean of any previous influences.
Why? Because women are often taught that sex works only one way, when it can be approached from a number of angles. Many women were taught that only the man should be in charge, or for example, some women just jump on that pole immediately without preparation, and launch right into some serious humpage. A body needs, in many cases, such as yours, to be coaxed and lovingly seduced into receiving the body of another, both physically and emotionally.
Read this article by Scarleteen: Sex Ex For the Real World, “From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse” first. It will answer ALL your questions.
A few tricks? Start by upping your foreplay. The vagina is just a matrix of musculature that when properly flexed or released can often accommodate a penis of just about any size. Don’t forget, no penis is as wide or long as a human baby, which shoots out the same canal we are speaking of. That being said, sex should NOT feel like giving birth, it should feel good, great in fact.
(See your doctor again? This pain could also be from an STD or another type of vaginal infection.)
SO. If you are able to orgasm, or even if not, engage in some manual five digit action BEFORE he enters you. The more you are turned on the more the muscles will loosen the more lubricant you will produce. Extend this foreplay time for as long as possible, come and come again, and THEN have him enter you, gently, slowly, and coated in either natural or water-based lube. This might hurt.
Note on pain: when we are nervous or scared we tighten our vaginal wall. Click here for information on Vaginismus, the tightening of vaginal walls that yields horrible pain. There are tons of reasons a woman might tighten up before sex. These include: fear of STD’s, fear of pregnancy, fear of rape/roughness/pain, a lack of desire for sex, a lack of trust for her partner and/or a lack of knowledge of how to make sex feel good.
The tighter those muscles upon penile entry, the more excruciating. Our goal for you: painless pleasure. SO, have him enter extremely slowly and then, when inside, have him wait and listen to your cues. Communication is vital. If you feel heard and held, you will be more likely to release those tensed muscles. It might take you a minute to adjust to his size.
Then, take it at your own pace. If you want to be pummeled, get pummeled, but if you need it gentle and slow, take it as such. Talk to your husband before sex, at an innocuous time of day, like over Cheerios, and mention that for now you want to take the reigns. Encourage him to experiment with new sexual sensations, being slowly squeezed by a woman can be as phenomenal as ramming her core. It is a matter of presence and where his focus is located. Click here for more on enhancing male sexual experience.
There are SO many nerve endings involved in sex, and a good man, no matter how rough he likes it, will like it better if his wife does not wake up with a bladder infection because his dick was cramming her organs into oblivion.
Try sitting on top so you can control the depth of entry, as well as speed. Also, explore your psyche. See that you really WANT sex, and aren’t just having it to have it. Look at your sexual mind and determine whether there is fear or anger or a history of abuse causing you to tighten when you could be loosely wrapped around your man.
Ultimately, remember that sex is supposed be NICE FOR YOU. Because you are married, I want this to work. But for some in a new relationship, it might be too much for your body to take him in, and that is ok. If you find yourself lying there while he fucks your brains out as you leave the mental building, this is no good. If you are really enjoying yourself, rough or slow, you will know because you will feel joyful and exuberant, not fearful, loathing and infected.
” title=”www.send-email.org”>www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.
More news and opinions than at a Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.