June 18, 2019

Howard Stern: Media Prophet

“Once upon a time, there was a rabbi who really liked hookers.

Whenever he heard of a prostitute plying her trade, he’d toss a few shekels into his purse and go pay her a visit. So strong was his commitment to whoring that it was believed there wasn’t a single working girl in all the world he hadn’t patronized. One day his friends told him a new lady of the night had set up shop in a city far away, and that while her gifts came at a considerable cost, they were worth the trouble. Giddy, the rabbi saved up and set out to find this skilled sex worker. He finally did, and, dropping his drawers, took immense pleasure in the carnal delights that followed.

Mid lovemaking, however, the prostitute did something that surprised the rabbi: She passed wind and then following that exclamation launched into a little speech.

“Just as my fart can never return to my butt,” she told the astonished rabbi, “so, too, rabbi, will you never find forgiveness for your sinful ways, even if you tried to repent.”

Devastated, the rabbi ran out of the bedroom and begged the earth itself—the mountains and the hills, the sun and the moon—to forgive him. But the earth refused and the rabbi, despondent, realized he had no choice but to prostrate himself and beg God for mercy. He sat down by the side of the road, put his head between his knees, and sobbed so loudly that his soul soon left his body. And for that genuine act of remorse, he was rewarded with a place in the sweet hereafter.”

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