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October 26, 2016

Necessary Mourning: Healing the Loss of a Parent through Jewish Ritual

[Ed. Note:  Ms. Abraham-Klein is the author of a new book that explores mourning. The book was just published (October 2016). The following is an essay she wrote for Expired And Inspired, explaining how her interest in the topic came about, what brought her to write this book, and how her father’s journey through death, and her own path through mourning, has affected her. — JB]

 

The Soul Slowly Seeps Out

My entire childhood, my parents staunchly refused to let any of us to have an animal in the house, particularly a dog, and I really wanted a dog. My siblings were much older than I. They moved out when I was young and I grew up as an only child. I needed company. So as a gift when I was eight years old, my brother Gideon broke the house rule and brought home a cute and rambunctious blond mutt that I named Ashi. I had no idea how to care for little Ashi or how to housebreak him. My brother returned to university and I was left with an untrained dog. That did not last long, especially when Ashi peed and pooped all over the house, particularly on my parents’ expensive Persian carpets. My mother quickly demanded that Gideon return home and remove this dog. Gideon found a new home for Ashi and I never saw him again.

Many years later, well into my adult married life, when my father was dying of cancer, he finally shared with us that he did like dogs, but had hid that fact from us to avoid the responsibility of taking care of one. When I adopted my cocker spaniel after my marriage, my dad came clean about his own childhood pet dog, Ursik. I think the name I chose, Ashi, a Persian-sounding name that I had never heard before, was just as comical as Ursik. I can only imagine that somehow my dad and I were subliminally connected through the funny names we chose for our dogs—I was linked to my Dad in more ways than I realized. It was sweet, I thought, and it humanized my dad for me. As my father was slowly dying, he would easily share his life stories with me. There were no filters between his ego and thoughts; he just let everything flow. On the one hand, I felt like it was his way of making peace with himself and with me, and on the other it was if he wanted me to be a witness to his life. He wanted me to remember, cherish and learn his life so that I could share it.

My relationship with my father in my formative years was nearly non-existent. He was the patriarch, a mover and shaker in the illustrious gemstone business with offices worldwide, and a benefactor to many Jewish organizations. This led him to live six months of the year in New York and the remaining six months in Thailand. Being raised in a traditional, loud Sephardi home where entertaining family and guests was the norm, I felt like part of the landscape—lost to the opulent background of grand marble halls and spiral staircase.

I grew closer to my father when he developed multiple myeloma, a cancer of the white blood cells that eats away at the bones. I watched him living in tremendous pain, regularly taking oxycodone. As the disease progressed, he became infantilized due to his lack of independence. Something about his vulnerability and his suffering made me see him as a sweet old man, not the father who was too busy to show up for my high school graduation.

As my father spiraled toward death, he shared more of himself, his childhood in Afghanistan and Pakistan, his married life to my mother in India, and his business life in Thailand. The filters of his thoughts were lifting. The line between consciousness and unconsciousness were blurred. There was something very poignant about this for me. I knew he was dying: He was in hospice and had outlived his doctor’s prediction of three to nine more months. I felt that this slow, steady seeping out of the soul was a natural process. It was God’s way of easing my father, and us, into the transition of his death, rather than having it come as an abrupt shock.

A few months prior to his passing, he was lying in agony on the living room sofa. My mother gave him morphine for the pain, but probably too little to help. My father’s bones were fragile, and he also suffered terrible tooth pain. He explained that it was a shooting pain that gashed at him to the point where he could not talk. His agony compelled me to do something more than morphine. I ran out to the drug store, purchased a heat pack and applied it to his cheek as I massaged his hands. He perked up a bit and said that he was feeling relieved. Within minutes he fell asleep. This process showed me how in times of deep pain and despair we need tender, loving care. Somehow, being a part of my fathers’ pain and relief redeemed him of all the sadness and disappointment I felt at not having him around in my formative years.

Reflections on my father’s Death

My father passed away on the 9th of August, 2014, at his home in New York (13 Av, 5774, in the Jewish calendar; this is the date we memorialize his death every year). He fought multiple myeloma bravely and with dignity, and rarely complained about his pain or his impending death. When my sister reached me in London, where I was traveling, to let me know that my father had died, my initial reaction was shock. That was followed by centering myself to make burial arrangements and to write the eulogy. Although I was in a mental fog, focusing on the burial arrangements felt like I was in a safe container, shielded from the outside world. The next phase was the intense, week-long process of “sitting” shiva (the seven days of the most intense mourning), first with only family and then with our comforting visitors. Having them surround me was like a warm embrace. At shloshim30 days, we entered a new phase of the grieving process, and the frame widened with more activities I could participate in—for one; I could cut my unruly hair, an activity that had been off-limits in the immediate aftermath of the death. My family and I arranged to have a large dinner gathering in a hall and memorialize my father with stories and prayers. At the end of the year-long mourning process, we organized my father’s death anniversary (yahrtzeit), in Israel at his graveside with my family members and first cousins from my father’s side.

The process of mourning throughout the year was systematic; intense at first and then gradually easing. Every year at the death anniversary, we hold a special commemoration for my father, gathering friends and family for a meal, lighting a candle, reciting Kaddish – the Mourners Prayer, and donating to charity.

I know that my father mourned for his own parents in the most complete way he could. While he did sit the week of intense mourning (shiva), observed the customary (shloshim) 30 days, and even recited the Mourners Prayer (Kaddish) for his parents for 11 monthsI decided to opt out of all parties that had live music for the year and follow the traditional way of mourning. Whenever there was a festive event that I could not attend (and there were many that year), that was the time when I had to confront the mourning. I felt separated, quarantined from everyone else, and while it was not pleasant, it was necessary. I knew that my isolation was not designed be a punishment, but more like a “time out” to reflect on how my dad could not participate. We were both consoling each other at a psycho-spiritual level. Through the confinement, I connected and reflected. The time-bound Jewish way of mourning, with all its psychological insight, created a means for me to carry my father within throughout the journey. The laws of mourning freed me from social norms and expectations, allowing me to focus on memories of my father, in order to move forward in life in the most meaningful and holistic way possible.

One of those ways was through writing. It is a wonderful companion to a loss, when we feel alone. Writing my book Necessary Mourning has been cathartic. It has clarified my thoughts and deepened my appreciation of the process of mourning.

I share these Jewish ritualistic pearls of wisdom with you, along with my own journey in the book, because they are the birthright of every Jew, no matter what your Jewish affiliation. Even if you are picking up Necessary Mourning and perusing it after the death, there is still a wealth of benefit embedded in these Jewish traditions. I share with you the necessity of mourning.  

 


Dahlia Abraham‐Klein is a published cookbook author, Silk Road Vegetarian: Vegan, Vegetarian and Gluten Free Recipes for the Mindful Cook (Tuttle, 2014) and Spiritual Kneading through the Jewish Months (Shamashi Press, 2015). She has been conducting Spiritual Kneading challah classes privately and at synagogues of all denominations, teens and adults in her Long Island, NY community since 2010. Her latest book, Necessary Mourning, (October 2016) is available  

Dahlia Abraham-Klein 

 

GAMLIEL INSTITUTE COURSES

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Gamliel Institute Course 1, Chevrah Kadisha History, Origins, & Evolution (HOE) will be offered over twelve weeks on Tuesday evenings from December 5th, 2016 to February 21st, 2017, online.  

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Necessary Mourning: Healing the Loss of a Parent through Jewish Ritual Read More »

The Stories We Tell Matter

A lot has been said in the past few years about microaggressions and their impact. On one hand, I can see how these things may sound like small potatoes to someone who isn’t feeling their impact, and I do believe that sometimes people make too much out of too little. However, I can also see how debilitating it must be to be subjected repeatedly to negative stereotypes about one or more aspect of one’s identity.

So it was with this lens that I received what I assumed would be a fairly innocuous, possibly nerdy pre-class assignment for a Financial Planning class I signed up for from U.C. Extension. As I read through the assignment, which was, at its core, a wordy math problem, I completely understood the math involved, and was easily able to put together a spreadsheet to do the analysis it was asking for.

The more I thought about the assignment, though, the more it got under my skin. Because, surrounding the perfectly logical and reasonable math aspect of it, was a story which was unnecessarily misogynistic and dysfunctional.

The story is about the inheritance of an oil drilling company. Apparently, even though the man who is leaving the inheritance is married, he is the sole owner of the company, and he is going to leave it to one of his two sons. This, of course, begs the question of why the company wasn’t community property, and why wouldn’t the widow inherit it. One might think maybe this company is just a small part of their assets, and she is keeping most of the community property, but the story goes out of its way, for no apparent reason, to explain that the family has no money left. So the story starts with a penniless widow being left out in the cold, while she has to decide which of her two sons deserves to inherit the only thing of value she and her late husband had.

I could go on about other aspects of the story I found troubling, but I think that’s enough to give you a decent picture of it. And I couldn’t stop asking myself why the University of California would find it necessary to subject me to this ugly story. They could just as easily have sent a story with the exact same math, but which was gender neutral, and didn’t end with someone awarding an inheritance to one son while she has to “kiss the other one goodbye.”

Seriously, of the four men teaching this class, who wrote this awful thing? Is this person so focused on the math that he can’t see how dysfunctional this story is? Does he not care about penniless widows seeing all their assets distributed to greedy sons? Does he not think women deserve to own assets themselves? Is he too blind to see what terrible messages this story embodies?

Even if there has to be a competition, why does one son have to win everything, while the other son loses everything, including the relationship with his only surviving parent? The more I think about it, the more ugly this whole fictional situation is. And it is completely and utterly unnecessary.

Now, you could tell me, this is just a math problem, and I’m giving it too much weight. And on a micro level, you may be right. But on a macro level, the University and those who perpetuate this ugly story are giving it much less thought and consideration than it deserves. Because the more we normalize the idea that women don’t deserve to inherit, the more we normalize the idea that the winner takes all and the loser loses absolutely everything, the more we tell ugly stories about dysfunctional families as if there is nothing wrong or unusual about their behavior and there is no better way to run our lives, the more we give people permission to act that way.

As Jews, we are commanded to be a light unto the nations. It is our responsibility to rail against the casual way that women and families are treated in this story. It is our job to stand up and say “No, this is not right, there is a better way.”

So I wrote back, and told the University exactly what I thought of their story, because I sincerely hope they will not subject any more of their students to it.

—————-
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What Bill Clinton understands better than many Jews

Bill Clinton is certainly a wise man, and a learned man, but there is reason to suspect that he did not only have historical precedence in mind when he made a surprisingly pointed remark. Clinton was probably thinking about the politics of the day – about ways for him to ensure that his wife wins an election – but his point was about much more than the politics of the day. It was a point that Jewish Americans, and all other Jews for that matter, would be wise to memorize as they go to the polls.

What Bill Clinton understands better than many Jews Read More »

Jewish community frames Prop. 57 as social justice cause

Martin Cruz owes his freedom to the California juvenile justice system. 

His childhood essentially ended at age 8, when he saw a friend shot five times and killed. Soon enough, he was part of a gang, and at 16, after years of cycling in and out of the juvenile justice system, a district attorney tried to send him to adult court.

“If I had been sent to adult court, I would be done,” he told an audience at Temple Israel of Hollywood (TIOH) on a recent Tuesday evening. “I would probably still be in prison today.”

Seated in plastic chairs set in semicircles in the Reform synagogue’s meeting hall, shul members and representatives from other faith communities and social justice organizations had gathered to hear about Proposition 57. The measure on the November ballot aims to reduce California’s prison population through a variety of methods, including by ending the practice of allowing prosecutors to send minors to adult court without approval from a judge.

In advance of the election, Prop. 57 made its way into High Holy Days sermons across the city, including that of TIOH’s Rabbi Jocee Hudson, who moderated the Oct. 18 panel. 

While critics have raised safety concerns, the proposal sponsored by Gov. Jerry Brown has earned the support of Reform CA, the progressive Jewish organization Bend the Arc, and the California chapter of the National Council of Jewish Women.

The measure would allow nonviolent offenders to earn parole after they serve the sentences for the primary offense that landed them in prison. In addition, it instructs the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation to consider educational and rehabilitative achievements when weighing a prisoner’s early release. 

But perhaps the most important step Prop. 57 would take, Hudson said, relates to juveniles being sent to adult court. When the synagogue adopted criminal justice reform as one of its initiatives and she began learning more about the prison system in California, she said, “I didn’t realize that juveniles could be sentenced to life — I mean, without parole.” 

For every six youths sent to adult court, California’s Legislative Analyst’s Office (LAO) estimates that five of them are there at the sole discretion of a prosecutor, contributing to harsher sentences and longer prison terms.

 Things would have gone much differently for Cruz if he had been tried as an adult, according to Elizabeth Calvin, a Human Rights Watch attorney and co-author of Prop. 57.

“Everyone in the courtroom would have operated under the myth that he was an adult,” she said, speaking beside him at the Hollywood congregation. “And he would have faced adult prison time.”

Instead, Cruz said, he got the chance to seek therapy in a juvenile detention facility and learn about himself, eventually reforming his behavior. Today, he’s a father and film student at West Los Angeles College.

But thousands of youths in California are never afforded that opportunity — roughly 44,000 of them, according to the LAO.

“We don’t give them the right to vote, we don’t give them the right to buy cigarettes, we don’t give them the right, under 16, to drive, but we’re willing to put them into the adult system and treat them like adults,” Miriam Aroni Krinsky, a former federal prosecutor and Temple Israel member, said at the event.

She said she became jaded as she watched politicians pass harsher and harsher sentencing laws during her 15 years as a prosecutor.

“I became deeply troubled during those 15 years by the willingness of our justice system to throw away a generation of young people,” she said.

Each panelist encouraged the audience to support Prop. 57, painting it as a crucial social justice issue for religious communities.

“California’s justice system is terribly broken, really from one end to the other,” said Calvin, the Human Rights Watch attorney. “As people of faith, as people who care about repairing the world, we have to wade in and decide that we’re going to fix it piece by piece by piece.”

That, more or less, is the pitch Brown made to Southern California rabbis in April, hoping to earn their support for the measure. At a meeting in Beverly Hills called by Leo Baeck Temple Senior Rabbi Ken Chasen, at Brown’s request, the governor urged about two dozen rabbis to get behind Prop. 57, said Hudson, who was present at the meeting.

He told the rabbis he’s supporting the measure with surplus campaign funds as a way of seeking “prophetic justice” for a mandatory sentencing law he signed during his first term, which contributed to an increasing prison population. 

“It was a very profound experience, I thought, for him to say to us, publicly, ‘I put this law into effect in my first term; I never anticipated what the consequences of it would be,’ ” Hudson told the Journal.

Brown has made similar statements in more public venues. In an Oct. 21 op-ed in the Bay Area’s Mercury News, he wrote of his support for mandatory sentencing, “My idea then was to add greater certainty in sentencing, but it turned out just the opposite. The legislature kept changing sentences by passing hundreds and hundreds of new crime laws.”

Opponents of the measure — including a host of California law enforcement officers associations and district attorneys — see it as a public danger that would put violent criminals on the streets. L.A. county’s sheriff and its district attorney have joined the opposition campaign.

The “No on 57” campaign has gone so far as to distribute playing cards with pictures of rapists and murderers under the words, “Meet your new neighbors.”

“The summary says that it applies to nonviolent offenders,” said L.A. County District Attorney Jackie Lacey, speaking at an Oct. 20 news conference alongside a number of city leaders opposed to the measure. “But the truth of the matter is that the way it was written, human traffickers, who we’re trying hard to get off the streets, would actually be eligible to be released earlier.”

In fact, the measure fails to outline its definition of nonviolent crime. Instead, it assumes any crime not listed as violent in the penal code is nonviolent, according to the LAO. 

In general, Jewish activism in favor of the reform has focused on social justice and teshuvah — repentance — rather than public safety. But Krinsky, the former federal prosecutor, did address the issue during the TIOH event.

“As a matter of outcomes, we’re not making our community any safer” by trying juveniles as adults, she said. “Kids we put into our adult system are at greater risk of future criminal conduct.”

Jewish community frames Prop. 57 as social justice cause Read More »

Clinton campaign tally shows 5 top donors are Jewish

A tally of the fundraising for the campaign to elect Hillary Clinton president shows that the top five donors are Jewish.

The Washington Post analysis, posted Oct. 24, named the top donors, who are contributing $1 of every $17 of the over $1 billion amassed for the Democratic nominee’s presidential run.

They are Donald Sussman, a hedge fund manager; J.B. Pritzker, a venture capitalist, and his wife, M.K.; Haim Saban, the Israeli-American entertainment mogul, and his wife, Cheryl; George Soros, another hedge funder and a major backer of liberal causes, and Daniel Abraham, a backer of liberal pro-Israel causes and the founder of SlimFast.

The article reported on tensions within the Clinton campaign over “big money” in politics, as revealed in stolen emails posted recently by WikiLeaks. Clinton and other Democrats oppose recent court rulings allowing unlimited donations to political action committees, but many of her supporters also see giving and accepting large figures as inevitable, given the existing rules. (Direct donations to campaigns are still limited to $2,700 maximum; the vast majority of the money in the Washington Post article is given to super PACs, political action committees permitted to receive unlimited funds.)

Sussman told the Post that his top issue is rolling back the rulings allowing for unlimited giving.

“It’s very odd to be giving millions when your objective is to actually get the money out of politics,” he said. “I am a very strong supporter of publicly financed campaigns, and I think the only way to accomplish that is to get someone like Secretary Clinton, who is committed to cleaning up the unfortunate disaster created by the activist court in Citizens United.”

Citizens United refers to the 2010 decision allowing corporations to give unlimited money in support of a campaign.

Clinton campaign tally shows 5 top donors are Jewish Read More »

Hugging our words

There’s nothing like a hug to express your love. For many people, a hug is even more powerful than words. Hug your mother, your spouse, a dear friend, and words are hardly necessary. A simple hug says so much.

This past week, during the holiday of Simchat Torah, Jews around the world went into a hugging frenzy. But here’s the thing — rather than hugging each other, they hugged and danced with words. They hugged Torah scrolls.

Hugging a Torah scroll is like hugging a baby. You feel the delicate velvet covering the sturdy wood of the scroll. It’s fragile yet strong. You feel protective. You are holding in your arms the words that have protected and inspired Jews for thousands of years, wherever they lived.

It’s worth reflecting on this unusual Jewish tradition of hugging words.

Here we are at the culmination of the Jewish year, when we are called on to celebrate and rejoice, and the object of our joy and reverence is a parchment containing about 300,000 Hebrew letters that have sustained us for generations.

This reverence for words in the Jewish tradition can be interpreted in many ways. Because my preference is to look for interpretations that will improve our lives, I see this honoring of words as a note of caution for how we use words in our everyday lives.

In a talk I gave recently during a Yom Kippur service, I quoted Joseph Telushkin’s book “Words That Hurt, Words That Heal,” in which he wrote: “Think about your own life … chances are the worst pains you have suffered in life have come from words used cruelly — from ego-destroying criticism, excessive anger, sarcasm, public and private humiliation, hurtful nicknames, betrayal of secrets, rumors and malicious gossip.”

In an ugly election year when the public discourse has been so coarse, we’re especially vulnerable to allowing our own speech to become contaminated. Indeed, the mere discussion of vile and hurtful speech can lead us into vile territory.

But beyond the rancid words we have witnessed through the media, there are also the words that are much closer to us — the ones we can control. These are the words we use with friends, colleagues, neighbors and family members, the words that end up defining our relationships and our character.

Here’s a thought experiment. Imagine if you took all the words you used in the past year and printed them on a scroll. Would you hug this scroll? Would you dance with it? Would you cherish it?

I often feel that at the Jewish Journal, we are printing a scroll every week with tens of thousands of new words. It’s not a Torah scroll; it’s a community scroll. But just as an expert scribe will meticulously go through a Torah scroll to correct any blemishes, we have an obligation to do the same. We know that the wrong words can have a devastating impact. We also know that the right words can inspire and elevate.

It’s the same in our own lives. Whether we are communicating through a text, a tweet or at a Shabbat table, our words can go in many different directions. We can crush or we can praise. We can bore or we can delight. We can hurt or we can heal.

At an event I attended recently, a friend of mine noticed that the speaker forgot to thank the most important person in the room, who had planned and organized the event.

 “It would have been better if she had said nothing,” my friend told me.

That is the irony of freedom of speech. All too often, we do best when we use our freedom of speech to restrain ourselves and say nothing. Instead of thinking of a clever response when our parents are saying something that may annoy us, we can just listen and let them talk. Instead of rushing to preach to our kids when they’re complaining about something, we can listen and let them express themselves. Instead of showing a dinner guest how wrong they are, we can look at the bigger picture and move on. 

We write our own scroll every day. The words we omit are as important as those we choose. If we choose carefully and wisely, our words will always be worth a good hug.


David Suissa is president of TRIBE Media Corp./Jewish Journal and can be reached at davids@jewishjournal.com.

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It’s funny what you can learn from Jewish humor

Jokes are no joke. Freud himself and countless other scholars have studied jokes as artifacts of human civilization and embodiments of theology, philosophy and morality. And that’s exactly what Michael Krasny does in a book that is both profound and laugh-out-loud funny, “Let There Be Laughter: A Treasury of Great Jewish Humor and What It All Means” (William Morrow).

Krasny, a professor of English and American literature, is perhaps best known as the open-minded but intellectually exacting host of “Forum,” a nationally syndicated radio show that is produced by NPR’s San Francisco affiliate, KQED. Among his previous books are “Off Mike,” a memoir of his radio days, and “Spiritual Envy: An Agnostic’s Quest.” Now he turns his considerable intellect and his sense of humor to the Jewish joke.

Who among us hasn’t told a Jewish joke?  Krasny confesses that he has sometimes taken to the stage as a stand-up comedian to tell the jokes he had collected. “But I was not just telling Jewish jokes,” Krasny insists. “I was also analyzing them.” The results are richly displayed in his new book: “I came to view jokes, like fiction, as portals to knowledge and ways to see how the powers of storytelling and laughter are linked.” 

The book consists of an abundance of jokes that fall into various categories, ranging from “Jewish Mothers” to “Schlemiels and Schmucks.” But the real treasure is to be found in Krasny’s elaboration and interpretation, a kind of high-spirited midrash that affords us an opportunity to glimpse what a Jewish joke really says about Judaism and Jewishness.

Thus, for example, the first joke in the collection is one of my own favorites, a much-told classic of the genre whose punchline is: “He had a hat.” (The punchline alone will be enough for many readers to know what joke he is telling.) Krasny points out that the mothers and grandmothers are routinely portrayed in Jewish humor as the source of love, care and concern, but that’s only “one side of the equation.”  As with the mother who asks after the missing hat, they also are portrayed as “overly critical, impossibly demanding nags who are the bane of their children’s lives.” The Jewish joke, in other words, steps away from the comfortable stereotype and points out some uncomfortable truths.

Another one of my favorites is the joke that ends with an admonition from an otherwise permissive rabbi who objects to engaging in sex while standing up “because that might lead to dancing.” As told in its entirety, it is a deeply ironic joke, and Krasny sees equal measures of irony in much Jewish humor on the subject of sex. Pious Jewish tradition may affirm the sanctity of sex, but Jewish humor preserves all of the conflict and frustration that sexual relationships can sometimes entail. As an example, he retells a Joan Rivers joke: “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.”

To be sure, some Jewish jokes are not really all that Jewish. “If you ask the question at what stage a fetus becomes viable for the Jews, you still hear the answer, ‘After med school,’” he writes. “Yet the novelist Amy Tan told me she heard the same joke told about Chinese Americans.” And he points out that some early Jewish celebrities were careful to conceal their Jewishness. “[Jack Benny] felt he had to keep his Jewishness entirely under wraps while, a couple of decades later, Jerry Seinfeld would include not only Jewish characters, but a regular lampooning of Jewish themes and stereotypes.”

Even the final barrier — making jokes about the Holocaust — has now been crossed, thanks to comedians such as Larry David and Sarah Silverman. Krasny heard a joke from Ruth Wisse, a professor of Yiddish Literature and Comparative Literature at Harvard, about an Israeli family that receives an anxious telephone call from relatives in America. They have heard about the suicide bombing of a Jerusalem café where the family’s teenage daughter was known to hang out. As it happens, she is out of the country on a school trip. 

“Hodel is fine,” the parents say. “She’s at Auschwitz.”

“Let There Be Laughter” is as much a memoir as an anthology, and some of the best moments in the book are the anecdotes that Krasny tells about how Jewish humor asserts itself in unexpected, provocative and meaningful ways, as when he found himself interviewing Isaac Bashevis Singer on stage in front of a live audience. Seeking to plumb the depths of the great author’s mind, Krasny asked Singer if he believed in the philosophical doctrine of free will, “and he answered, ‘I have no choice.’”


JONATHAN KIRSCH, author and publishing attorney, is the book editor of the Jewish Journal.

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Survivor Charles Selarz: Hard labor, love and eventual freedom

Charles Selarz, then Chaim Szklarz, was standing outside with a few friends in early September 1939 when German aircraft suddenly attacked their town of Wohyn, Poland, firebombing the small houses clustered within a two-block area, where the town’s approximately 1,000 Jews lived. 

“Everyone ran in different directions,” said Charles, then 20. He and his friends fled to the fields across a small river, where they hid, watching the flames. “We couldn’t go back. The house was burned up,” he said.

Charles was born in Wohyn on Nov. 1, 1918, to Sara and Mendel Szklarz. His brother Yitzchak followed in 1920. Their youngest brother, Aron, born two years later, died at age 7 of a ruptured appendix.

Mendel bought and sold grain, and Sara worked as a seamstress. It was a hard life for the traditionally religious family, but, Charles said, “if you have enough bread, you’re not poor.” 

Charles and his family maintained good relationships with their Christian neighbors. Charles, in fact, was the only Jew invited to play volleyball with the local boys, as the setter. He also made their only ball by stitching together rags, though the school also owned one ball. 

At 7, Charles entered public school. He liked learning, and he especially enjoyed reading. “No telephone. Nothing. You had only a book,” he explained. After school he did homework and then attended cheder

After graduating from high school at 16 and unable to afford college, Charles began working at a bank. He also joined a Zionist youth group, where he befriended Miriam Gryka, a girl he had known since childhood. 

After the Germans firebombed the Jewish homes, one of Charles’ uncles found a poor Polish woman — “a kind lady,” Charles recalled — who rented a room to their extended family, totaling about 20. “You put your kop (head) wherever you could,” Charles said. 

Life under the German occupation became more restrictive and more dangerous, with the SS often arbitrarily shooting Jews on the street. One day, Charles was ordered to go to the cemetery to help bury people. 

“I was looking at the dead people, and I couldn’t take it,” he said. He returned home, taking the back streets. After he left, the SS visited the cemetery, Charles later learned, shooting all the workers. 

Charles, along with other young people, was soon working as a forced laborer six days a week on a large estate just outside Wohyn, digging up potatoes and picking corn. He received no food but stole whatever he could. 

He and others were then transferred to the Miedzyrzec ghetto, 17 miles away. While there, Charles learned that his parents and grandparents, along with all of Wohyn’s Jewish elders who had earlier been evacuated to the Parczew ghetto, had been murdered in the Treblinka extermination camp. 

After a short time in Miedzyrzec, in the fall of 1942, Charles found himself standing in line as several SS from Suchowola selected workers for what had been one of Poland’s largest estates and was now a forced labor camp. 

“What kind of work do you do?” a man known as Oberscharfuhrer Schultz asked Charles, who replied that he was a shoemaker, knowing that the Germans despised intellectuals. He was assigned to clean the officers’ quarters at Suchowola.

About six months later, on May 3, 1943, the Suchowola prisoners were awakened at 2 a.m. and ordered to dress and line up outside. Charles stood in front, his head down. Schultz approached him. “Raise your head,” he told him. “Working people we always need.”  

The prisoners were trucked to Majdanek, the concentration camp outside of Lublin, where they worked mostly carrying rocks from one area to another. 

One day, Charles was standing in line for his portion of watery soup when a Nazi unexpectedly slammed a rifle butt into the back of his head, causing him to collapse and creating a permanent indentation. For three days, his vision was blurred, and he was able to work only by holding onto his brother Yitzchak. “I don’t know how I survived that,” Charles said.  

In July 1943, Charles overheard people talking about a transport to Auschwitz. “Let’s go. It cannot be worse,” he said to people around him, not knowing what Auschwitz was. Discreetly, through the wire fence, he let Miriam Gryka and her sister Eva know of his plan.

Once the cattle train reached Auschwitz, the young people were processed, tattooed — Charles became 128268 — and assigned to barracks. Charles saw Yitzchak on one of his first nights there. Then, he said, “I never saw him again.”

Charles worked in a food warehouse where, one day, he was caught hiding a few pieces of cabbage in the waistband of his pants. Guards then strapped him upright into a special contraption and pummeled him, mostly on his back. “I can still feel it today,” he said. 

Around September 1943, Charles was transferred to Janinagrube, an Auschwitz subcamp at the Janina coal mine. He drilled holes in the mine walls and inserted sticks of dynamite. After the explosions cleared, he helped gather the coal, loading it onto carts. After one afternoon-to-midnight shift, however, Charles’ group didn’t adequately clean up. The SS marched the workers back to their barracks area, where they were ordered to perform calisthenics in the snow for an hour. 

At some point, Charles became ill and was transferred to a medical barracks at Birkenau. There, he recognized a prisoner he knew from Majdanek, working as a janitor. “Don’t stay here,” the man told him. “From here they take you straight to the gas chamber.” Charles promptly reported for work and was transferred to Block 16.

Miriam was in Auschwitz then, working as a maid for her blockalteste (barracks leader), a young woman from Czechoslovakia. Unbeknownst to Charles, she asked the blockalteste if the woman’s boyfriend, a kapo who worked in the camp’s shoe repair, could help her husband, which is how she referred to Charles. 

About a month later, the kapo entered Block 16. “128268,” he called out. When Charles answered, he ordered, “You stay here and wait for me.” 

As the other prisoners left for work, Charles sat with his arms crossed, certain he was destined for the gas chamber. But the kapo instead escorted Charles to the shoe-repair quarters, where he instructed that Charles be given as much soup as he wanted. “If you give me a million dollars, it doesn’t mean as much as that soup,” Charles said. He continued working there.

In mid-January 1945, the camp was evacuated. Charles was loaded onto a cattle train and eventually taken to Kaufering XI, a subcamp of Dachau in the woods near Landsberg, Germany, where airplanes were being assembled in large underground concrete bunkers. Charles worked unloading truckloads of lumber and heavy bags of cement.

In late April, the prisoners were evacuated, forced to walk in the bitter cold in only their striped uniforms and to sleep on snow-covered ground. Then on April 30, the Germans placed the surviving prisoners in a small house in Buchberg, Germany. 

“The war is finished, but don’t go out. They’re still shooting,” a soldier warned them. 

By morning, the Germans had disappeared, and around noon, an American tank rolled down the street, followed by truckloads of American soldiers. “This was a holiday,” Charles said. “You cannot even describe it.”

Eight days later, hearing that a women’s camp had opened at Bergen-Belsen and hoping he might find Miriam there, he set off in that direction. Once inside the camp, he learned that she had survived and was out walking with some friends. Charles waited in her room, in a former SS barracks. When Miriam came in, both were too overwhelmed to even say hello.

Charles and Miriam married on Aug. 14, 1945. “I didn’t even have a suit,” Charles said. A few months later, when Miriam’s sister Eva married Mendel Kohan, Miriam and Charles borrowed their wedding attire for their own formal portrait.

The couple lived in Pfaffenberg, Germany, where their daughter, Etta, was born in August 1948. A year later, they immigrated to the United States, settling in Providence, R.I. Their son, Murray, was born in March 1952. 

Charles immediately found a job making women’s handbags, for 65 cents an hour. Within a year, speaking limited English, he took over the foreman’s job. Then, in the summer of 1954, for the sake of Miriam’s health, the family moved to Los Angeles, where Eva and Mendel were living. 

Charles began working at Theodor of California, again making women’s handbags. He also took English classes four nights a week at Fairfax High School. 

About a year later, Charles and Mendel bought a liquor store, which they named K&S Liquor, in downtown Los Angeles near the Produce Market. Charles retired in 1982. 

After Miriam died in 1995, Charles began volunteering in the mailroom at Cedars-Sinai, which he’s continued to do every Monday morning for 21 years. 

Looking back, Charles, who turns 98 next month and is a grandfather of six and great-grandfather of three, believes that his willingness to work hard and obey orders may have contributed to his survival. But this was not a conscious strategy.

“You didn’t have time to even think about it,” he said. “No, the only thing you think about is to get a slice of bread.”

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Meant2Be: Mr. Delicious

My daddy was raised in a Jewish delicatessen during the Depression, where rich food made his family wealthy and unhealthy. Unaware of the correlation, the high fat content took my father and his father from the neighborhood far too soon. 

In the ethnic stew of New Haven, Dad’s family would barter with the Irish families for blood pudding and Italian families for lasagna, trading the shmaltz my grandmother slopped into pickle jars for them. Feasting until groaning was the focal point of Dad’s days, and his wife and daughters learned to share his appetites for deli case delights — the tongue, stuffed derma and beet borscht of his youth. It was how we bonded and felt closest.  

Our Sunday suppers were an orgy of bickering over some roasted animal parts, eating with our hands despite their gravies. We fought over chewing on the part that goes over the fence last, sucking the turkey neck audibly, the giblets, the teensy eggs from the kosher chicken, and the gusto of ingesting the pupik.

So imagine my delight when a nice Jewish guy of letters, who made my mind awaken in our chaste early courtship, made my mouth water when he invited me to his new bachelor flat for a steak supper he’d prepare. 

As soon as I came in the door, he began to seduce my salivary glands, and a few others, with two huge, thick, raw, bone-in New York steaks, shallots pre-chopped and sauteed in butter on top, an enormous undressed salad in the rough, and crudités awaiting me, as he sat me down in the kitchenette. Oh, this foodie knew how to woo me. 

“Can I help?” I asked with faked inflection.

“I don’t want you to do a thing!” he said. “You just relax.” 

I loved that. I was already falling for him. A Ph.D. who liked to shop for big cuts of meat on the bone — how lucky could a never-married, middle-aged, semi-Jewish woman and her manicure get? 

He slammed the two bloody slabs and shallots onto a cookie sheet with some kosher salt, put them into the preheating oven, and tossed an anchovy and herb dressing he’d made himself into the salad. We hardly noticed the room getting hot (I thought it was just me) until the smoke detector went off.  He grabbed a towel and fanned it until it faded out. 

Peeking at the steaks, he said, “Just a little longer — let’s have salad!”

Slobbering anchovy oil down my chin, blotting often, I tried to eat the uncut leaves in a ladylike way. I noticed that none of the cloth napkins, flatware or plates matched. We’d get new sets when we wed, I said to myself, then slapped my mind silly.

“So, what’s your favorite food?” he asked.

“Honestly?” I replied. “Onions, peas, and cheese browned onto an iron skillet and scraped off.”

He dropped his fork.  Uh-oh, I thought.

“You do that deliberately?”

“Ye-es?” I responded meekly.

“Boy, when I do that accidentally, I am always so happy …”

“I also like to disembowel an entire chicken, skin and all, with my hands, bite the bones and suck the marrow right out of them … eating roasted fowl was a family Sunday tradition.”

“We did, too!” he cried.

Delighted with our earthy common ground, we continued to consume our rough-hewn greens like human garbage compactors until the smoke alarm went off again. He opened the balcony door and used a newspaper to fan the alarm, then dismantled, or possibly broke, it with a fork.  Silenced, it dangled in midair. Jewish men don’t usually fix things but will pay people to do so, I reassured myself.

Peeking at the steaks, he muttered, “Hmm. Must be because they’re so thick. Rice? Music?”

“Both,” I said. We’d have music and rice at our wedding, I mused, to myself, but the smell and smoke emanating from the kitchenette began moving my mood from erotic to alarmed.

As he put on Pandora and stirred rice into boiling water, the dangling alarm again alerted us, as did “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” by the Platters. Coughing and concerned, I insisted, “Let me help!” without the upturned voice.

“Sure,” he said.

I ran into the kitchenette, opened the oven and saw it was lit only by an oven light, not a flame. I removed the cookie sheet, opened the broiler door below, revealing the prior tenant’s dirty broiler pan scorching antique grease beneath the roaring flame. 

“Yikes,” I stated neutrally.

“I’ll wash that,” he said. “I didn’t know there was a separate broiler down there.” 

Within 30 minutes, the room was aired, the steaks were succulent, the Rice-A-Roni, into which he scraped white truffles, so flavorful. I praised him to the skies, like we did with my daddy or my dog, and watched him clean up, noting that he washed the tops but not the undersides of dishes. 

I knew I would have to give him thorough kitchen orientation when we wed. And I did.


Melanie Chartoff has acted on and off Broadway, and starred in many TV series. She appears in the upcoming film “Alexander IRL” and “The Consul, the Tramp and America’s Sweetheart,” which opens Nov. 17 at Theatre 40 in Beverly Hills.

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Trump, Alex Jones and Recognizing Hate

The blog I had planned for today is on hold given this breaking story that relates to several topics I have “>sources reported on an internet radio broadcast by Alex Jones, who is listened to by millions of people on the web. As I wrote in an early September “>The New Yorker wrote of Jones' rise to prominence,

Jones's amazing reputation arises mainly from his high-volume insistence that national tragedies such as the September 11th terror attacks, the Oklahoma City bombing, the Sandy Hook elementary-school shooting, and the Boston Marathon bombing were all inside jobs, “false flag” ops secretly perpetrated by the government to increase its tyrannical power (and, in some cases, seize guns). Jones believes that no one was actually hurt at Sandy Hook-those were actors-and that the Apollo 11 moon-landing footage was faked. [Emphasis added]

Any politician with an ounce of sophistication, let alone a candidate for the presidency of the United States who has countless staffers and researchers available to vet press engagements, would steer clear of anyone with Jones’ record and reputation. But last year, Trump appeared on Jones' radio program the day of the San Bernardino shootings.

Jones introduced Trump and proudly asserted that that 90% of his audience were supporters. Trump responded, “Your reputation is amazing. I will not let you down.”

Whether Jones’ listeners are 100% Trump supporters or 5% Trump supporters is irrelevant—Jones is the kind of toxic personality that exists on the fringes of our political system—he deserves to remain there. Jones and his ilk crave legitimacy and acceptance. They are true believers who fantasize that if only they could reach a larger audience they could convince listeners of the correctness of their theories and of the conspiratorial dangers lurking under every rock. The former head of Breitbart, Steve Bannon, who heads the Trump campaign, exhibits similar tendencies—-“we have the truth, if only we can get it out—the masses will follow.”

Trump’s appearance elevated Jones and his nuttiness. Anyone with even a cursory sense of history ought to have known that conspiracy advocates like Jones are, inevitably, going to advance anti-Semitic and racist theories; conspiracies tinged with populism and hucksterism invariably end up in anti-Semitism and racism—it’s a packaged deal.

Until yesterday, it appears that Jones masked the virulent, un-distilled anti-Semitism that lurked just beneath his shtick. But yesterday Jones let ‘er rip; his bigotry was on full “>reported),

‘Cause let me tell you, the Emanuels are mafia. And you know I was thinking, they’re always trying to claim that if I talk about world government and corruption I’m anti-Semitic, there’s mafias of all different stripes and groups but since you want to talk about it, the Emanuels are Jewish mafia. So there you go. But, I mean it’s not that Jews are bad, it’s just they are the head of the Jewish mafia in the United States. They run Uber, they run the health care, they’re going to scam you, they’re going to hurt you.

And then they got weirdos that they’re allied with like George Soros who’s a literal Nazi collaborator, and then you’ve got Madeleine Albright who’s a Nazi collaborator, her dad was, rounding up Jews, I mean it’s like, if being against Jews that are weirdo Nazi collaborators and gangsters makes me anti-Semitic then fine. I’m not against Jews, but at a certain point, when you people call you out, I’ve been called out in hundreds of newspapers in the last month, as being anti-Semitic, because I talk about a global, corporate, combine. [Emphasis added]

Trump’s association with Jones is unpardonable. He might not have known of his deep seated anti-Semitism but his vile conspiracy notions were a hint at what lay beneath. If he didn’t know about Jones’ proclivities, he should have—-or his staff is guilty of malpractice—or he knew and didn't care. In the latter case, he would be indifferent, maybe even sympathetic, to the bottom dwellers of the political world—a warning light to anyone who cares about civility and our future.

Mr. Trump has a serious problem with bigotry and extremism—he apparently can’t discern the difference between politically acceptable discourse and the conspiratorial ravings that are the hallmarks of hate.

His temporizing with Jones and his type is a glimpse into a personality that either doesn’t quite get the dynamics and the forces at play in a diverse, challenging and fraught political scene or one that doesn’t care and will deal with anyone if it advances his agenda.

Either explanation is deeply troubling.

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