My husband and I just got our Estate Planning documents done. By that I mean we each signed a Will regarding how we would like our assets distributed after our death, Power of Attorney documents in case we’re incapacitated and medical instructions saying to pull the plug if we’re brain dead.
Signing these three documents are the minimum a person should do in regard to pre-need planning. We also need to buy burial plots and leave instructions regarding the disposition of our remains. All of which brings up the question of an Ethical Will.
Many Jewish people write an Ethical Will for their kids. We don’t have kids, but I have two nieces. It would be cool if I could leave them with some wisdom when I go. Although, I have to admit, I don’t know whether it would do them any good. In my experience, most people learn from their own experiences, not from experiences or advice told to them by others. Especially unsolicited advice, which this would be.
It occurred to me that I could print out some of my favorite blog posts, and leave them in a folder for my nieces to read after I die. I don’t know whether or not they read my blog on a regular basis, but I suspect not. Either way, there are a few good ones in there from which they might learn something.
Then, I thought, maybe I could just write down a list of things I feel like I did right in my life. There are too many possibilities to try to anticipate what they might encounter and therefore what mistakes to avoid, but maybe some information about what I did right might be instructive.
So, here is a list of the top 10 things I feel like I’ve done right:
1. Married John Barnes
There is no contest for putting this decision at the top of my list. Having him in my life simply makes my life better. I might not have done it, but my father, alav hashalom, told me to marry a person I wanted to spend a lot of time with, and he was right. There’s nobody I’d rather spend time with than my husband.
2. Divorced my first husband
Number one above couldn’t have happened without this one happening first. My first husband was emotionally abusive, and he refused to try to learn how to stop. Staying with him would have meant destroying who I really am inside.
3. Promised myself not to allow fear to rule my life any more
When you spend 10 years with an abuser, you spend an awful lot of time in fear that if you make one wrong step, it might lead to an explosion. Eventually, you realize your fear is running your life. Now when I’m afraid, instead of running away, I walk toward my fear. And every single time I do so, I’m glad I did.
4. Joined my synagogue’s chevra kadisha
I used to be afraid of anything that had to do with death. Because of number three above, I knew that meant I had to get closer to death. The more I learn about death and dying, the more time I spend around people who are dead, dying, or in mourning, the more comfortable I get with it, and with the thought of my own death. I highly recommend it.
5. Didn’t give up on my first marriage too soon
Even though we’d lived together for five years before getting married, and even though I realized on my honeymoon that marrying him had been a mistake, I still spent the next five years trying to make the marriage work. If I hadn’t done everything in my power to try to make it work, I would have spent the rest of my life wondering whether I’d given up too soon. As it stands, that isn’t a thought that merits consideration.
6. Started greeting people coming to services at my synagogue
It’s awkward to stand around by yourself before services when you don’t know anyone. I had just read Ron Wolfson’s book “
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