Dear Yenta,
I’ve been dating a boy for six months and we’re very close. The problem is, he’s clingy. He doesn’t like my friends at all, so when I want to hang out with them and I invite him to come along, he won’t do it. What he will do is pout for the rest of the night, making it difficult for me to enjoy an evening with the girls without worrying about whether or not he’s okay. What’s worse is that the girls I usually hang out with have boyfriends as well, and they occasionally join us with no trouble. It’s only my boy that causes snags.
I’ve spoken to him about it and he admits to being jealous of these girls. But I only have so much time in a day, or a week, or in the school year before we all go home for the summer, and I’m not going to spend every second of my free time with him. He and I get along really well when it’s just me and him, or me and him and his friends, but he treats my friends with so little respect that I don’t know what to do. Help!
-BF Hates My Peeps
Dear BFHMP,
Blah. A man who can’t adapt to multiple social situations and is “jealous” of your girlfriends sounds like bad news to me. What are you supposed to do while he is pouting? Obvi. Pay attention to him. You asked for a boyfriend, not a child.
“If a relationship is not the easiest thing you have ever done in your life for the first six months, run (don’t walk) to the nearest exit,” says Tiffany Ranae Widdifield in “Should I Keep Him or Dump Him? Three Guidelines for Navigating Relationships.” “Relationships are hard work,” Tiffany explains, “However, in their infancy, they should be fresh, vibrant and exciting. You should feel as if you have met “the one.””
I’m with Tiff. Still, these situations always have more to them than meets the eye. Who knows, except maybe you and your dude, where his nervous insecurities stem from. What we can see is that he is capable of social normalcy, but something about your friends makes him check out.
Either your friends suck or your boyfriend sucks or neither suck, and you just happen to be wearing two left shoes. What are you ignoring? That is what this boils down to, right? What are you pretending is not happening? There is something up with your man, or something up with your friends. Period.
He is your boyfriend, of six months, not your husband for life. If things aren’t working and you put up a good fight to strive for normalcy, start weighing options. No one is perfect, but that doesn’t mean you need to ever settle for someone who potentially stunts your growth. There is, however, a fine line between sorting out differences and growth stuntage. As Tiffany later writes, “That’s why rule two is so important to follow: If the second six months of your relationship is not filled with arguments, and doubts, and the unmitigated desire to throttle him, Run!”
Are you in the first or second leg of the 6 month window? Is this, “learning to love him,” or “shit, I am dating a complete loser?”
Another option: ignore everything I have said thus far and be strong in the face of an annoying scenario. No law says you must integrate friends and boyfriend on a nightly basis. Find him afterwards, or in the morning, or for lunch and enjoy the things you were going to do anyways in the meantime. In fact, doing everything together, spending every outing as a pair, might not be the best way to keep things breathing. Autonomy should not kill a good relationship.
Enjoy your life however you see fit and maybe he will come around. Otherwise, no matter which way you spin it, he will become someone you resent for raining on your friendship parade. When the summer comes, give him your time then, and your friends your time now. But my gut instinct is that if the fish stinks, chuck it.
For more help take the “Is he a good boyfriend quiz” or the “Should you dump him quiz” from Seventeen.com.
Also, for pointers, try 10 Ways to Be the Best Boyfriend or Girlfriend by Sparklife.com, A brief guide on finding the right relationship, keeping a proper perspective and remaining optimistic throughout a sometimes grueling process from Aish.com, and If the Buddha Dates: Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path.
” title=”www.send-email.org”>www.send-email.org to merissag[at]gmail[dot]com.
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“As goes America, so goes Israel. [Israel] is our sister democracy in a sea of totalitarianism. It is surrounded by people who want to throw them off the face of the earth.” – Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff
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It should not surprise regular readers of this blog that the popular Attorney General of Utah – currently serving an unprecedented third term – is also a prominent supporter of Jews and Israel. In fact, the Hon. Mark Shurtleff has stated that Israel is the only country besides the United States where he feels at home (a sentiment shared by many Mormons I know). Few politicians at the state level are as actively involved in promoting U.S. ties to Israel, and Mr. Shurtleff’s efforts have the added bonus of cementing Mormon-Jewish ties.
According to his press office, the attorney general developed an interest in the Middle East while studying political science and international relations at the BYU Jerusalem Center. He also played in the “West Bank Palestinian National Basketball League” and met his future wife at the center. He wrote his senior thesis on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Once in office, Shurtleff began reaching out to Israel in a big way. In 2003 he organized a mission to Israel with four other state attorneys general. In 2005, he returned to Israel to seek support for the creation of American chapters of the 40-year-old America-Israel Friendship League (AIFL), on whose Board of Directors he proudly serves. The following year the attorney general set up an AIFL chapter in Salt Lake City and spent time in Israel to compare notes with his Israeli counterparts on the war against terror.
At a recent meeting of the pro-Jewish LDS group B’nai Shalom, Shurtleff referred to Ariel Sharon as a personal hero and a warrior. He said that he once asked Sharon if he could share with him why a Mormon boy from Utah loved Israel so much, then recited from memory the moving poem “Never Shall I Forget” by Elie Wiesel. The Holocaust-themed poem had touched Shurtleff deeply during his visit to the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C.
The attorney general’s dedication to Israel’s cause can best be summed up by former Utah Jewish Federation official Arthur Warsoff: “In an effort to be informed, many of us diligently read newspapers and listen to the news. However, in the case of Attorney General Mark Shurtleff, that was not enough. We are very fortunate to have such a strong supporter of Israel in our community.” Needless to say, we are also very fortunate to have him in the Mormon community.
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I will be speaking to Mormons and Jews at the Jewish Community Center in Salt Lake City on January 12. I will also be making a joint presentation with Rabbi Alan Cohen in Kansas City on January 16.
A Utah General for Israel Read More »
CAUTION: This op-ed by a senior at a Los Angeles area school contains realistic and heartfelt language that some readers may find offensive. Note: some college names were changed to protect the innocent, or applicant.
With the coming of senior year comes a host of new opportunities: emotional, physical, and mental. But the biggest opportunity is obviously, college. As a senior, I have the chance to choose from many distinct colleges and decide which one I should go to. Being the person I am, I decided in 10th grade I was set on BU. So I applied there and that was great, go me. But one of the things I noticed in senior year is that any mention of college with an adult starts a whole dialogue about your future, and how you should look into, definitely look into, that one college. Here’s what every conversation goes like:
ME (at some function with old people): Hi person- who’s- name- I- forgot, haven’t seen you in ever. How’ve you been?
OLD PERSON: Great! Hey, I can’t relate to you in any other way because I’m so old, so what college are you going to apply to?
ME: Well, after hours of thought and work, preparation and meditation, I’ve narrowed down my list to BU. I think it really speaks to my personality, and such.
OLD PERSON: That’s fantastic. Great school. But you know what, here are another twenty other schools that I think are better than the shitty college you like, because I have successful friends who graduated from them.
ME: Go to hell.
So that’s basically how it goes. Note to all of you old people who made mistakes in your life, and are trying to communicate to me the importance of having options in choosing colleges, etc, etc: I get it. I know. I’m young, and you’re old, and so you’re naturally inclined to believe that I’m inexperienced and don’t know that much about making life decisions. And the truth is: you’re right. But I’m not going to get any better at making them if I don’t make any, right?
So keep your comments to yourselves. Yes, I’m sure University of New Hampshire is a great place. And OK, Swarthmore would fit my academic needs. But hey, if I wanted to go to fucking Swarthmore, I would’ve said so. So please, understand that I am more than just a stupid seventeen- year- old. OK, I am a stupid seventeen- year- old, but at the same time, I belong to the same generation that will run the world in forty years. And if you old people use all your time telling us how we should spend our lives, we won’t know how to run our own lives when it counts. And not to get personal, but you probably made the same mistake of listening to the old person of your generation, too. Otherwise you wouldn’t be wasting my time with your pointless comments forty years later.
Listen, old person, I’m not angry. Truly, I’m not. I’m annoyed. I want your trust, random old stranger, because I am a volatile fucking teenager, and I want the confidence to know that I’m making the right choice. The confidence that old fucks like you might be able to give me.
I guess you have taught me one thing, old person. When I’m an old person in your position, and a sleep- deprived high school senior starts talking to me about his first choice college, I’m not going to recommend to the kid a list of other colleges that are way better for that kid, or tell them about how much they will colossally fuck themselves by going to some other college. No. I’ll just pat that kid on the back, flash a smile to their face and tell them,
“You’re going to love it there.”
The darker side of college Read More »
Two rabbis in western New York have pulled out of a Muslim-Jewish outreach effort, charging that the national sponsor is involved in Islamic fundamentalism.
The “twinning” project, which has been held each November since 2008, is a project of the Foundation for Ethnic Understanding in cooperation with the Islamic Society of North America, which was named as an unindicted co-conspirator in the 2007 Holy Land Foundation terrorist financing case.
Rabbi Irwin Tanenbaum of Temple Beth Am and Rabbi Alex Lazarus-Klein of Temple Sinai, both of Amherst, declined to participate in the twinning events this month, despite participating last year, citing concerns about the Islamic Society’s links to Islamic fundamentalist groups, the Buffalo News reported Nov. 11.
Rabbi Drorah Setel of Temple Beth El in Niagara Falls, N.Y., is the only area rabbi to go forward with the program, according to the newspaper.
“The conflict in the Middle East ends up affecting passions here,” Lazarus-Klein told the Buffalo News. “The issues are very close to people’s hearts, and it’s difficult to separate the world politics from local politics, and that’s unfortunate.”
A national group based in Boston last year warned Buffalo-area Jews that radical Muslims posing as moderates had infiltrated the area.
“What we found was that the entities behind the Buffalo interfaith effort are anything but moderate,” Ilya Feoktistov, research director of Americans for Peace and Tolerance, wrote in an online publication.
One event held last week in western New York had to be moved from a small synagogue to a private home after objections by members of the congregation, the Buffalo News reported.
N.Y. rabbis pull out of Muslim-Jewish twinning project Read More »
Last year was truly an amazing year for Jewish college basketball. So many good stories, that it has left us expecting great things. This year does not look as promising, although there are a few bright spots. So we decided to look back at the players who have left the college ranks and find out what those players are up to now.
Nimrod Tishman – We were hoping Tishman would be the next big thing. The young Israeli sensation was a late signee at Florida. A top program and on the heels of Omri Casspi’s big splash in the NBA. Unfortunately, Tishman’s game did not translate too well in the NCAA. He left the Gators and is now playing for Hapoel Yokneam/Megido in Israel. It is the DII division. He is currently scoring 12 ppg.
Jon Jaques – Jaques is best known for helping Cornell with their impressive run in the tournament. Jaques (who we recently interviewed) has also taken his game to Israel. He signed a one-year contract with Ironi Ashkelon. He also writes for Slam Magazine. He seems to be happy and has made Aliyah for the time being.
Derek Glasser – Glasser has also moved on to Israel. He is playing for Maccabi Haifa, which is an up and coming program. Glasser is very excited about his opportunity in Israel.
Brett Harvey – We last saw Harvey leading Loyola University Maryland. After his stellar career he went to the Maccabi Haifa tryouts. He landed on a DII team called Hapoel Marnin Tivon. Harvey should be able to work his way up.
Slyven Landesberg – Landesberg had a tryout with the Sacramento Kings. After that he too signed with Maccabi Haifa. Landesberg should prove to be a solid player in the Israeli League. The toughness and flow of the Israel game could eventually do for Landesberg what it did for Anthony Parker. Don’t be surprised to see Landesberg get another shot.
Jon Scheyer – Scheyer was first signed by the Miami Heat (clearly not their biggest signing). After a tough, freak injury, he caught on with the Clippers. He got cut towards the end of the preseason. Rumors are currently circulating. He may go on to play for the Clippers D-League team but he has also been approached by Maccabi Tel-Aviv, Israel’s top team.
We wish all of these guys the best of luck. For those in Israel, enjoy it. It is amazing that you can make aliyah and play there. Eat a lot. Hone your skills. Enjoy every day there.
And Let Us Say…Amen.
-Jeremy Fine
For more check out www.TheGreatRabbino.com
Where are the now (NCAA 2009/2010 Edition)? Read More »
Abraham Maslow wrote, “The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” In today’s increasingly chaotic and uncertain world these words were never more relevant or applicable. But it’s not easy to be present. Is it? We may want to be in the moment. But our mind? Well, it has another agenda altogether. And our multi-tasking, technology-driven, social media lives seem to be all about being everywhere but here and now.
So what can we do?
Being present is not easy, but it is fairly simple. We have to connect with what is real, be aware of where we are, use our senses, feel our bodies. In fact, being aware of our physical being is the immediate and direct antidote to the willfulness of our mind – which would likely take us spinning in any direction.
As we go through the day, it helps to pay attention to the small things: the taste on our tongue of the coffee that we’re sipping, the smell and feel of the soap as we shower, the beauty of the sky as we drive on the freeway (yes – I’m in LA), our breath – in and out. Truth is there is nowhere but here, no time but now. What we do with this moment creates the experience of the next moment. And the power to create our lives, to make it beautiful, special, filled with love, happiness and success, comes from being fully conscious of what is, right now. So – let’s delight in the small things, it’s the only path to what we seek.
Misha Henckel guides individuals to live their ideal lives. Follow her on Twitter @mishahenckel. Email misha@mishahenckel.com
Delight in the Small Things Read More »
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