A Moment in Time: “Explaining Death to a Toddler”

Dear all,

Walking by a tree the other day, I noticed one brown leaf among the flourishing green.  I wondered, “Why is it that this specific one died?”

The question weighed heavily, as Ron and I are preparing to explain the death of a loved one to our toddler children.  We know there will be many questions:

”Why?”

”Why now?”

”What does death mean?”

”Will something happen to you?”

”If so, who will take care of me?”

While the conversation will be difficult, we also know it needs to be straight-forward.  When talking about death, it’s really important to keep the following in mind:

1. Don’t use euphemisms.  (No one “passed away” or “went to sleep.”  The person died.”)
2. It’s ok to express your own emotions and not hide them.
3. Make sure you answer the question the child is actually asking.  Be brief and simple about it.
4. It’s ok to share: “a body stopped working” and: “it doesn’t move or eat or play anymore.”  If the child asks if the body is like a toy that needs a new battery, explain that living things can’t get new batteries like toys do.
5. Your child may or may not ask questions.  Some questions may unfold over time.

Also – remember this.  Every death is different.  Sharing the death of an older adult is very different experience than sharing the death of a young person. And different children will respond in different ways.

Mind you, it’s one thing to offer this advice in my moment in time.  It’s another to sit and have the conversation with our children.  We will rehearse it.  We will prepare our answers.  But we will also ensure that we are not so over-prepared that we come off as staged.

It’s a delicate balance.  But so is life.

With love and shalom.

Rabbi Zach Shapiro