September 30, 2023

Handcrafted Sukkah by Meirav Finley

Meirav and I wish you a Chag Same’ach!

The Problem with Happiness

“Forget your troubles, c’mon get happy / you better chase all your cares away / Shout “hallelujah”, c’mon get happy / Get ready for the judgement day.” (Harold Arlen / Ted Koehler, popularized by Judy Garland).

I just analyzed these lyrics, and it didn’t go so well. It’s hard to forget the troubles that plague our thoughts and feelings. If you chase your cares away, they might chase you back. Leonard Cohen’s song Hallelujah is not a happy song. Getting ready for judgment day typically does not make us happy.

The Jewish holiday Sukkot has two major commandments. One is easy (except for the engineering challenged):  Build a Sukkah. The second commandment is difficult, for just about everyone at least some of the time: “You shall be only happy” (“vehayitah ach sameach”).

In the psychology of transformation that I have been thinking about lately, saying “c’mon get happy” to a fearful, worried, angry, hurt depressed, troubled or despairing person is worse than saying nothing. Better to say, “I don’t know what to say.”

I looked up being happy on the internet. There is much good advice, that is repeated, I guess, thousands of times. The nearly identical advice that I read on the first 10 websites seems right.  Just about everyone in America has the internet. So, why isn’t everyone happier, and, it seems, getting less happier?

I looked up being happy on the internet. There is much good advice, that is repeated, I guess, thousands of times. The nearly identical advice that I read on the first 10 websites seems right.  Just about everyone in America has the internet. So, why isn’t everyone happier, and, it seems, getting less happier?

My first theory is that reading about “10 Steps to Happiness” makes people unhappy. I don’t fully agree with this theory, but there is something there. My second theory is that advice doesn’t really help people suffering from fear, worry, anger, hurt, depression and despair (etc.). I think this theory is mostly true. If advice worked, after the first book or website, everyone would be happy.

Why doesn’t advice work?  First, because most people have huge resistance to following any good advice, unless they are right about to turn the corner, and a little good advice is all they need. Second, the advice that I read lacks several things. Here are some of them, for starters: a) the admission that unhappiness is part of the human condition, and therefore inevitable, if you are human, b) the symptoms of unhappiness look similar, but the causes for each person are diverse and complex, c) the human tendency not to understand themselves and life itself, and therefore try to gain well-being in ways that are bound to fail and d) gaining well-being, for most people, is lifetime work that takes enormous vision, will and skill.

Following advice won’t increase your well-being, unless you take it on as lifetime work, hard work, for some, unimaginably hard work. All advice should start with the warning, “None of this is likely to work, if you are not willing to work.”

Following advice won’t increase your well-being, unless you take it on as lifetime work, hard work, for some, unimaginably hard work. All advice should start with the warning, “None of this is likely to work, if you are not willing to work.”

For my teaching tomorrow morning, I will start to unpack the problem of unhappiness and well-being in my continuing thoughts on a “Psychology of Transformation.”

(For fuller take on this problem, see my article from a few years back:

https://jewishjournal.com/cover_story/236820/forging-happiness )