November 28, 2010

Last month, at an event called Tikkunfest I met a bright young man who told me about his cousin’s recent suicide.  He explained, “Jeremy was a quiet, studious boy, who loved sushi and Italian food. He lived in a small conservative Jewish community in France, and followed Judaism traditionally. He was studying Law in University, and would often get into heated discussions regarding human rights, and Civil Union Rights Advocacy. Yet even with many options and possibilities available to him he jumped from the roof of his university committing suicide only a few months ago. His last Facebook status screamed of despair and lack of acceptance. He felt that life had become unbearable. He had come out to his family six months prior, admitting that he was gay. This had put him under intense pressure from his parents to keep his sexual orientation under wraps, as they didn’t want to suffer social rejection. He was also told multiple times, that he was just going through a phase, and his feelings and orientation were not valid. He found himself wishing he was normal like everyone else. He would say to me “I wish I could be attracted to women, but I am not. I am attracted to men.” I tried to support him as best I could, and even flew to Europe to visit him last year, but sadly the environment, and attitudes of those around him ended up being too much for him to deal with.”  After hearing this man’s tragic story, I kept thinking about how about how incredibly important it is that the Jewish community acknowledges that LGBT issues are very real and strive to be pro-active about learning the tools which can help prevent tragedies like what happened with Jeremy.  I told my new friend about ” title=”"Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with Homosexual Orientation
in Our Community"” target=”_blank”>“Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with Homosexual Orientation in Our Community” written by the Orthodox Clergy, scholars, educators and mental health professionals has helped?”  He told me, “It’s a major step in the right direction, only ten years ago the Orthodox community would not even discuss this matter, and even the Conservative movement was very shy about the subject. Ten years later, there are now conversations around Shabbat dinner tables and conversations going on within the community.  The Orthodox community is beginning to embrace the idea that the focus should not be on whether being gay is a choice or not, but rather on if someone is choosing to hide who they are ultimately causing themselves more harm. It is about reframing the questions.  The Orthodox community is taking important steps towards treating LGBT Jews with respect and dignity and recognizing that they have Jewish souls and needs.  Many gay Jews strive to feel like part of a community, and often feel disconnected, which has been misinterpreted by some as LGBT’s turning their backs on Judaism.  Many Orthodox gay and lesbian Jews are very spiritually connected and committed to Orthodox Judaism, but there are many issues within the Orthodox community that conflict with Halecha and the traditional ideal Jewish family structure. It is comforting to see that the Orthodox community is taking steps towards respecting gay and lesbian individuals, and seeing them as members of their community.”

I asked Asher, “Which Jewish texts do you refer to when dealing with LGBT issues?”  He replied, “There are a number of texts in the Torah and various scriptures in Judaism that talk about different types of gender identity and it’s not necessarily a binary. It is not black and white, it is about being able to step away from an easy yes or no, male or female, gay or straight reality, and recognizing that there are many levels of identity that are not binaries.  A person’s existence is very complicated, but Tselem Elohim; We are all made in G-d’s image. G-d is a very complicated figure in Jewish life as are G-d’s creations. When people see in black and white, it minimizes the beauty of G-d’s creations and the complexities of what G-d has created.  I also believe kol Israel aravim zeh ba zeh, all of Israel is responsible for one another and I think that there’s an obligation to those individuals who have a harder course in life.”

Lastly, I wanted to know, “when kids witness their parents being judgmental and unsupportive of the LGBT community, what kind of a message do you believe it sends them?  Asher responded, “It is a hard job to be a parent today and parents are constantly put in situations where they speak without realizing the affect it could have on their children. Parents must teach their children that it is not acceptable to discriminate against anyone. Parents should embrace the opportunity to speak to their children about the values we have as Jews, and the love we should feel for all people regardless of race, creed, religion, or sexual orientation. Children inherit their parent’s beliefs, and love for another, and contempt for another are passed from generation to generation.  I was very blessed to be raised by parents who would never say anything against gay or lesbian community members, and placed me in an environment where I had gay and lesbian role models.  It was still hard for them when I came out, but I knew that they had never said anything negative, and they would be supportive and would love me no matter what. When I came out, I had the blessing of my loving parents who lived by very strong Jewish values.  The question is, what do parents really want for their children?  Would they rather their child be gay and healthy or do they want their child to be forced to lie about who they are?”

My interview with Asher made me feel hopeful with the change that is being experienced within the Jewish community. We must continue to stand strong, embrace each other and meet each other where we are.  Let us honor my new friend’s cousin Jeremy and all the others who have taken their own lives by striving to be a little more tolerant, loving and accepting each day. 

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