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October 30, 2009

Weddings

I am the co-mesaderet kiddushin at a wedding next week.  It is not the first wedding I have participated in.  And at each ceremony, I can’t help but feel concerned about how the guests will respond to seeing a woman under the chupah.  Will people question whether the couple is halakhicly married? Will some call into question the couple’s religious level of observance?  How will my presence impact one of the most memorable days of a couple’s life as well as the future they will make together. And then I get a hold of myself, and I realize that there is very little negative impact that a female presence can have on the wedding ceremony.  When one actually analyzes the different components of the wedding ceremony, it is apparent that there is little that a woman cannot do, and much that a woman can contribute.

The mesder/et kiddsuhin’s obligation to the couple begins way before the wedding day. 
On a halakhic level, the mesader/et kiddushin ensures that the couple is versed in the laws of niddah (family purity).  The mesader/et reviews the components of the wedding ceremony, and must review very carefully the language of the ketubah and the tenaim.

On a pastoral level, the mesader/et meets with the couple to discuss sensitive family dynamics, expectations they each have for their marriage, and to try uncover and acknowledge fears that each may harbor with regards to their relationship. 

It seems obvious that a sensitive knowledgeable woman would be in a position to meet all of the above obligations.  If the couple has a relationship with a female religious leader, there seems to be no barriers, thus far, to a female mesadert kiddushin.

Which brings me to the ceremony itself.  It is true that there are aspects of the ceremony that cannot be performed by woman. Women cannot function as witnesses to the ketubah or to the ring ceremony.  There are those who argue that a woman should not say the brikat erusin.  And there is some halahkic concern with a woman reciting the sheva brachot.  However, the formal definition of the mesdaer kiddsuin is “the one who arranges the betrothal.”  Translation—to coordinate the ceremony.  Practically this means explaining the components of the ceremony (if the wedding is in a place that needs to be explained), offering meaningful words under the chupah, ensuring that each of the components are recited appropriately and correctly.  In most ceremonies the mesader does not read the sheva brachot, and it is common to honor esteemed friends and family with different components of the ceremony.

And so, I ask again: is there really any reason for a woman who has a meaningful relationship with the couple not to officiate at the wedding?  I think not.

 

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To Trick or Treat…That Is The Question

To trick or treat, that is the question…and one of the biggest Jewish dilemmas.  Do we celebrate Halloween?  Do we let our children celebrate it?

I remember this dilemma when my brother and I were little.  One year we would be allowed to celebrate it, the next year our parents would get Jewy on us and we weren’t allowed.  When we got older, I think my brother and I celebrated it in spite of our parents (well, at least I did, anyway). 

When I became too old for trick or treating, I made sure to find a party to go to.  I just hope my son doesn’t have the same reaction in his adolescent years towards me, as I question this holiday.  It is a little spooky, I must admit.  We have even avoided Universal Studios (with our annual pass) for the past month due to all the cadavers hanging around, sawed off body parts and whatever else is lurking there, just not to give my son nightmares (or myself).  What’s so fun about witches, ghosts, and skeletons?  I know – the candy.

So, when we were actually allowed to celebrate Halloween at my folks’, when they were in their paganism-is-O.K.-for-our-children mood (or when they were less Jewy), they would take my brother and I to Toys ‘R’ Us (for some reason we always bought our costumes there) and let us choose our “unscary” costumes.  I remember I chose Holly Hobbie (this was long before the era of Hannah Montana).  We didn’t have many choices; it was Holly Hobbie or some superhero, and I didn’t want to wear my Underoos (superhero underwear) out in public.  I can’t remember what my brother was that year…probably a superhero.  So, we got our costumes and huge Costco-like sacs o’ candy, enough to feed a small country.

On Halloween night, we would dress up in our costumes and wear them in the comfort of our own home, as we greeted the other children at the door trick or treating.  Even though we were just kids ourselves, we actually had to “work” that night.  We did get to eat our own candy as well, so that was a major perk, without the door-hopping.  My mom’s excuse for not allowing the door-hopping was always, “Why do you have to go begging for candy, I’ll buy you all the candy you want, it’s safer.” 

And the guilt still lingers…thanks, Mom.  Do I let my son “beg” for candy this year?  But, just for the record, my brother and I did trick-or-treat one year.  We lived in a condominium complex and were only allowed to trick or treat at our friends’ homes.  I think that made a total of three.

The following year, the trend of slipping razor blades in childrens’ candy was quite popular, so we were never allowed to trick or treat again.  “But Mom, why would our neighbors put razor blades in our candy?”  I don’t remember her answer, but I am sure she had one.

In spite of all of Mom’s warnings, I took my son trick or treating in the mall last year; he was a little guy and I could dress him anyway I wanted to (this year he chose what he wanted), and it was cute.  It was probably more for me then it was for him.  The whole time there, I couldn’t help but think that Macy’s or the Gap may have put razor blades in my son’s candy.  Phew, we were safe.  There weren’t any…last year, anyway.

This year, we are going to a party and I am still pondering the trick or treating at the mall part.  Regardless, I can’t say that I’m really into this holiday.  It is a little too creepy for my taste…or maybe that is just the way I was programmed.

And just today, my mom asked if I am going to take my son trick or treating.  I told her I was still unsure.  She responded, “Why does he have to run around for candy?  I’ll just bring him some.”  The quote may have changed, but the sentiment stayed the same.

And I responded, “That’s ok, I already bought him a bag.”

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RAIN ON MY PARADE

Tel Aviv and Los Angeles are actually more similar than you would imagine.  Both cities are flowing with creativity, packed with interesting people and lately, Tel Aviv has even added palm trees to its skyline. In fact, in both cities I sometimes find myself walking around dazed and confused, wondering if I’m a major character on the stage (a la Macbeth) or just stuck in a minor role (a la Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are…). 

But if you ask me, the most similar thing about these two cities is the weather.

This morning, Tel Aviv received the first major rain of the year.  Before I had the chance to wake up to the soft pitter-patter of rain drops, I was rudely awakened by honking and screaming.

Coming from Jerusalem, the windy city, what’s a little rain? A little cold? To me, anything short of frostbite is a walk in the park. So I find it fascinating when, at the first drop of water, chaos breaks loose. Pedestrians scramble frantically for cover, cars honk and drivers yell obscenities as they skid along the Ayalon Freeway trying desperately to go from 0 to 60 and brake at the same time. Like L.A., Tel Aviv traffic jams are legendary.  I remember my first rain in L.A.  The twenty minute drive to work turned into a two hour ordeal and I had that sinking feeling that perhaps I had taken the wrong entrance and was now idling in the middle of a parking lot.  But to be fair, there is a difference between Tel Aviv and L.A. In Tel Aviv, when workers come in late because of the rain they claim they had just survived “The Flood” and dare anyone to contradict them. In L.A., on a rainy day, I actually don’t remember anyone else showing up to work….

I stuck my head out the window and inhaled deeply, preparing to smell the fresh fragrance of lilies and roses which always seemed to envelop me in Jerusalem (Okay, so I had lilies and roses growing under my window. Still…) But in a city of half a million people and a million cars, the wet smell of exhaust fumes did more than engulf me, it made me gag.

And there’s another difference: In L.A. I always liked to splash in the rain (a holdover from my not too distant youth) but in Tel Aviv, rain is for avoiding, and splashing in the puddles will result in someone siccing their dog on you.

I really like the rain, the wind and the storm. Why? Because that’s the kind of person I am – romantic, stormy, forceful (I’m assuming none of you have met me) – and it’s this very set of qualities that sometimes creates more waves and ripples than I bargain for.

Take last year. There was a show on television. The kind of show you look at and say, “Why on earth aren’t I starring in that?” and then you realize, it’s because they’ve never heard of you! And why haven’t they heard of you? Because you’re new in town and you don’t yet have an agent. And without an agent you can’t get an audition.

Then I asked myself, in true Talmudic fashion, does the howling wind stop the pouring rain? Of course not. The rain beats down despite the winds. If I don’t have an agent to get me an audition will that stop me? Never! I’ll get my own audition.

I am rain (woman).

So I did the only logical thing I could think of. I tracked down the director of the show, took off a day from my busy schedule of watching television, found his mailbox and gently stuffed an overfull envelope which had a cover letter, pictures, and a self-addressed postcard in it, into his mailbox. Of course, I had to empty out all his other mail first. 

Certain that I had impressed him with my earlier material, I returned two days later and placed my showreel and resume into his mailbox – again carefully eliminating all his other (probably junk) mail.
My plan worked. This acclaimed director wrote me a letter saying that he had spoken to the casting director and I was being presented with an opportunity to audition for a smallish part in the show. Strange, but after signing off, the director wrote:

P.S. Can I have my mail back now?

This was my lucky break. I knew it. I was perfect for this series. Within two days I knew every nuance,  and had reworked every angle of the 10 lines that would catapult me to fame.

The rain poured by the time my audition came around. I took this as a sign (although it was winter) and told myself I would be the beating rain that takes the Tel Aviv acting industry by storm.  It was now or never. The director had opened the doors for me (Yes, I returned most of his mail) and the casting director was giving me her valuable time—blowing this was not an option.

For those thespians among you, as well as for those who have nothing to do with my industry, allow me to introduce you to what I feel is the most important rule in acting: Flexibility. Obviously, an actor must have a clear understanding of her character. But in an audition, or on set, you must become a chameleon, instantly adjusting to the fine nuances in your environment, reacting to your co-star’s energy, and adapting to the director’s instructions.  And I knew this instinctively.

The rain beats mercilessly.

And I was great.

At least in my mind.

My knees began to shake and somehow I became deaf, not hearing any stage direction, just watching the director’s lips move as she became more and more agitated. “What’s she saying” I kept thinking to myself? “Can’t she see I’m already doing everything she wants me to do?”

I nodded blankly at her instructions, but repeated the exact acting pattern take after take.

I was the rain.

And I became a drizzle.

I blew the audition.

My first time up in front of a major name, and I couldn’t hold it together. I could barely lift my head up after that. And I silently promised myself to spend more time looking for an agent.

Acting is all about making mistakes:  A role you should’ve gotten but you froze up at the audition; a connection you should’ve followed-up on, but you never got around to; a VIP who could have helped you, but who knew you were expected to send her flowers after your meeting?; and sometimes even acting in a role that will only hurt your career in the long term.

A production called “The Pilots’ Wives” (loose translation) has been having trouble casting for about a year. It’s something of a joke among agents and actors: “Yes, they’re still casting.”

The roles on the series are coveted by every actor in the business. It‘s a major, star-studded production.

Last year, I had an opportunity to go on an audition to this show, but I was still too traumatized from the last one, and talked myself out of it.

Now, three days into filming, there are all sorts of rumors coming from the set. One newspaper reported that the actors were complaining that they’re doing 70-80 takes a day. That they’re exhausted and by the time the end scenes roll in, they can no longer muster the energy and focus to act.

Agents are upset, saying they wouldn’t have allowed their actors to participate in the series had they known how inept everyone is. How this will only hurt their clients’ reputation as professional actors. Bridges are being burned all over the place as everyone accuses each other of a lack of professionalism.

Maybe it was good that I talked myself out of competing with all these “names”. 

Go figure. That’s acting. It’s not a science. It’s mazal. And making sure the wind doesn’t blow you away.

Sylvester Stallone once said about his pre-stardom days, “I had mastered the art of rejection”. The real art, however lies not in your ability to accept rejection, nor in your willingness to “walk out of an audition forgetting you ever entered it, and leave the experience behind you.” The real art is to take those mistakes and admit, aloud, that you made them. That’s life. That’s acting.

Yes, leaving your mistakes behind you – that takes more skill than most people can muster. But remembering how you went from a torrent to a drizzle, and still somehow reinventing your stormy self again, now that’s the real challenge.

Not to beat a metaphor to death—The rains return even after they let up.

I’m zipping up my raincoat, prepared to begin my day. I’m going to leave the hood off, because I intend to get as wet as possible. I’m even considering sneaking up on that director again….

Which reminds me, anyone know Spielberg’s new address?

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Pico Kosher Deli, Part 2 [SLIDESHOW]

In the wake of the Great Deli Cover of 2009, I had a lunch meeting at Pico Kosher deli, which I had reviewed in a blog post yesterday.

I met Rabbi Daniel Korobkin there for lunch Thursday.  The rabbi was waiting for me by the deli counter when I arrived, dressed in a dark suit and a bright blue-patterned tie, on his cell phone—which had an electric blue cover. He’s a friendly man, with a kind and mild face and an engaging, wide ranging intellect: a degree in computer science from Johns Hopkins, rabbinical school, and now he’s working toward his PhD at UCLA in Medieval Jewish Philosophy.  For that he’s been studying Arabic for three years, and he was able to read a sign across the street written in Farsi above a Persian rug store.  Farsi, while not a Semitic language, is written in Arabic script. 

“What’s it say?” I ask.

“Persian Rugs,” he translates.

Our conversation was wide ranging and off the record—just a chance for me to connect to the leader of a major school, Yavne, and congregation. I did swallow hard, though, when the rabbi told me he has 10 children, from 3 to 25. He himself is 45 years old.

We talked over chicken soup and matzo balls, a turkey pastrami sandwich (mine) and a PKD Special, pastrami, cole slaw and Russian dressing (his).  PKD’s pastrami is not cut as thickly or as deftly as Langer’s, the top non-kosher pastrami in LA, or the world.  But the sandwiches are high quality, the bread soft, and fresh, and the service swift.

It was the lunch rush, made somewhat busier by the fact that several people came by to say hello to the rabbi.  That’s PKD—as much a good, solid deli as it is a place to feel part of the large, boisterous family that is LA Jewry….

Find more photos like this on EveryJew.com

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Abraham the Seeker -by Rabbi Hyim Shafner

This week’s torah portion, Lech L’cha begins with God telling Abraham to leave his homeland and go, “to a place which I will show you.”  According to the Ramban God took Avrom traveling for a long time from land to land.  Why?  As Rashi says, “in order to make your nature, (your personality), known in the world.”  This nomadism at the beginning of Abraham’s building of our people was done in order to educate the world, for the families of the earth which Abraham was to be a blessing to, to learn from his nature. 

But what does Rashi mean by Abraham’s nature?  Why not say to learn from Abraham about monotheism or chesed, the things Avrom was known for?  Perhaps the answer is that chesed and monotheism are intellectual and moral choices one makes; Avrohom’s nature that Rashi mentions perhaps refers to something else –Avrohom’s personality, his way of seeing the world. 

The Rambam and the Midrash depict Abraham as someone who is perplexed by the universe, trying constantly to find the truth about its cause and maker.  He is “mishotet b’daato” roaming in his mind.  Avrohom’s actions were chesed, his theology was monotheism, but is tevah, as Rashi puts it, his nature and personality are to look for truth even if it means being an iconoclast, even if it means’ taking 40 years, as the Rambam says, to search the world to find the true meaning in it. 

Let us learn from Avrohom this Shabbat to accentuate our true nature as a people, of searching and searching for truth, of not being satisfied with the status quo even if that status quo comes from our own communities and even if it comes with much pressure to conform.

Shabbat Shalom

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Rabbi Schmuley to rescue Jon Gosselin

Jon Gosselin is moving from the dog house to a house of God, thanks to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.

The embattled reality star of “Jon and Kate Plus 8” is seeking spiritual guidance from “Rabbi Schmuley” as he is known in Hollywood circles, and who counseled Michael Jackson before Jackson admitted to sharing his bed with young boys. (Boteach cut off ties after that, though he plans to release the book, “The Michael Jackson Tapes” based on recorded conversations he had with the deceased King of Pop.)

Boteach, host of TLC’s “Shalom in the Home” and who likes to think of himself as “one of the world’s leading relationship experts and spiritual authorities” isn’t one to let an floundering star founder.

Lately, Gosselin, who is self-proclaimed “half Jewish, half Korean” has come under fire for alleged infidelity, looting $200,000 from his and Kate’s joint account and for neglecting his duties as a father.

“I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and be carried away by the challenges of fame,” Gosselin told CNN.

“It is for this reason that I have endeavored of late to reconnect with my deeper, more spiritual, more altruistic self with regular study sessions and counseling with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.”

As the good book says, all human beings are created in the image of God, which is evidently why there’s hope for Gosselin’s newfound spiritual self.

“I have always endeavored to be a loving father and a devoted parent who serves as a moral exemplar to his eight children,” he said. As such, Gosselin has agreed to appear at Rabbi Schmuley’s upcoming lecture, “Fame: Blessing or Curse?” at New York’s West Side Synagogue, where he plans to apologize to those he’s hurt.

“More than anything else, Rabbi Shmuley, as someone who has counseled others in similar circumstances, has impressed upon me the moral obligations inherent in celebrity and I understand that if a spotlight is shined on me, especially as a father of a large family, that I have to inspire others to do the right thing always.”

But is Gosselin waking up to his parental obligations too late? And where has Boteach been all along, while Gosselin has been serving up his children’s childhoods for the viewing pleasure of millions?

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Proactive or Paranoid? When Vigilance is Valueless

What a better topic for Halloween than fear?

All of us when hearing of a coworker or loved one who has been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness wonder if we could be next.  “What if I have lung cancer?  Should I get checked out?  There must be some tests I can get to make sure I’m OK.”  Those who take an active role in staying healthy are confident that they could do more to make sure they don’t get some dreaded disease.  Most cancers, after all, are preventable, right?  Or at least they can be caught early?

The scary truth is that most cancers are not preventable and can not be caught early by any test we currently have.  What’s even worse, for many cancers there is no evidence that an earlier diagnosis makes any difference in outcome.

That doesn’t mean that no prevention is effective.  For a few cancers (breast, cervical, colon) there are proven tests that are recommended periodically for everyone.  That’s why I’m an enthusiastic advocate for colonoscopies for people over 50.  Also, testing blood pressure and cholesterol in healthy people helps prevent strokes and heart attacks.

So how can we know what we should be doing to stay healthy?  Should I get a head-to-toe CT scan?  What about that “executive physical” with the fancy heart tests that my neighbor says I should have?

This is the job of the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force.  They are the most unbiased national group that evaluates the evidence for preventive tests and treatments.  Check out the links below to see what you should be doing to prevent what’s preventable.  Just as important is learning what tests are unproven (or proven to be worthless).  The second link, the Electronic Preventive Services Selector is especially handy.  You enter some simple data about yourself and it displays all the proven preventive services for you.

That’s how you can have the confidence of knowing that you’re doing everything you can.  Having tests that have been proven to be useless isn’t being proactive; it’s making an irrational decision based on fear.

There are plenty of terrible diseases out there that outmatch our best tests and treatments.  But after a moment of reflection, this is not a reason to panic.  It’s a reason to do what is sensible to stay healthy and then to focus on your life, not your health.  The rational fear is not “What if I have pancreatic cancer?” but rather “What if I’m healthy and spend the next decade worrying about pancreatic cancer?”

Have a happy and calm Halloween.  And face the future unafraid.

Learn more:

” target=”_blank”>Electronic Preventive Services Selector

Important legal mumbo jumbo:
Anything you read on the web should be used to supplement, not replace, your doctor’s advice.  Anything that I write is no exception.  I’m a doctor, but I’m not your doctor despite the fact that you read or comment on my posts.  Leaving a comment on a post is a wonderful way to enter into a discussion with other readers, but I will not respond to comments (just because of time constraints).

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SEC releases Madoff investigations

Trick or treat?

The Securities and Exchange Commission today released a truckload of files from its investigations of Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities Inc. You remember the guy. From The New York Times:

The 6,157 pages of exhibits include a full account of a June 17 interview with Mr. Madoff, who confessed in March to running the largest Ponzi scheme in history, a fraud whose victims number in the thousands and whose cash losses are now put at more than $21 billion.

In short excerpts from that interview, included in the full 477-page report made public last month, Mr. Madoff expressed amazement that regulators failed so many times to detect his fraud, given the numerous credible tips that came into the agency over a 16-year period.

The exhibits provide additional details about Mr. Madoff’s comments, including his observation that the agency’s investigators seemed to find it “inconceivable” that he was operating a massive fraud.

Indeed, he said he got the impression through all the examinations and investigations over the years that “it never entered the S.E.C.’s mind that it was a Ponzi scheme,” according to a 12-page summary of the interview.

Mr. Madoff said that if the S.E.C. had asked for trading records or talked to the supposed counter-parties in his fake transactions, they would have found the fraud. “If you’re looking for a Ponzi scheme, it’s the first thing you do,” he said.

Because of the risk of being caught, Mr. Madoff said, he was “worried every time” examiners from the agency showed up. “It was a nightmare for me,” he said. adding “I wish they caught me six years ago, eight years ago.”

Read the rest here.

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