June 24, 2009

When rabbis meet individually with students and their families as the bar or bat mitzvah date approaches, it gives them a chance to deepen the relationship outside of the weekly classes and Shabbat services. For many rabbis, these conversations are key to personalizing the bar/bat mitzvah and help shape the message they give during the service.

To draw out children and families, rabbis often use a standard set of questions and priming activities, both to break the ice and to press children and families to grapple with the lasting significance of the bar/bat mitzvah.

Varying their questions based on what they already know about the child and family and then following their lead, rabbis often start with requests for basic information about school, social and academic interests, friends, hobbies, sports and volunteer activities. But once they do break the ice, most rabbis probe with questions that draw out the uniqueness of each child and family or press them to consider the significance of Judaism in their lives.

One favorite area of exploration is the transition from childhood to adulthood, and rabbis will either broach the topic directly or use the child’s parents as proxies for adulthood.

Rabbi Ed Feinstein of Valley Beth Shalom, a Conservative congregation in Encino, asks children: What do you look forward to in becoming a grown-up? What do you think is the best part of being a grown-up, and what is the toughest part? Approaching the same subject a little more obliquely, he may also ask: What do you admire about your parents?

For Feinstein, it is also important to evoke the parents’ imaginings about what kind of an adult their child will become because he believes the bar/bat mitzvah is as much a lifecycle moment for the whole family as it is a celebration of a particular child.

“The more I can make parents understand that this is not just a ceremony on the bimah — that the way of parenting and the whole language of being in a family will change now that they have a teenager — the more meaningful it is,” he said.

Feinstein tells the parents to look at their child and imagine what he or she will look like in a year — because they will look very different. He also asks the parents to write a letter about what it means to be a grown-up to the 18-year-old their child will be in a mere five years: What are the challenges and the glories? What are the values you want your child to hang onto as they become an adult?

As children are on the threshold of their teenage years, rabbis also try to get them to think about what Judaism means to them.

Rabbi Joel Rembaum of Temple Beth Am/Pressman Academy, a Conservative synagogue in West Los Angeles, likes to do this via role-playing. He will say to a child: OK, so I’m a Christian and you’re a Jew. I say to you, “The most important thing in my religious tradition for me is the fact that Jesus loves me. What for you is the most important element within your understanding of your Jewish tradition?”

“People don’t ask themselves these questions; they’re not forced to anymore. American Jewish culture is so tolerant that people are not asked to justify themselves. The differences between Jews and non-Jews are not as pronounced in the lives of these young people as it was 30 or 50 years ago,” Rembaum said.

Looking at children’s understanding of Judaism from a different slant, Rabbi David Woznica of the Reform Westside congregation Stephen S. Wise Temple asks children: What does it mean to be part of a chosen people? How do you understand that? What do you think the mission of the Jewish people is; do we have a unique task in the world today? Which of the Jewish experiences in your life do you find to be particularly meaningful?

He also explores with children their relationship to God, often asking them directly: Do you feel a sense of God in your life? For those who respond positively, he may ask: Where do you think that comes from? What effect does that have on your life?

Many rabbis use their pre-b’nai mitzvah meetings to create a web of meaning around the ceremony itself.

Woznica wants to endow the celebration and the experiences leading up to it with significance. “My hope for both the child and his or her parents is a moment in life that is personal, holy, meaningful and memorable for the right reasons,” he said.

To get at the emotional importance of the event, Woznica will often ask the parents to tell the story of how they got to this point in their lives.

Recently a child’s parents, both Iranian immigrants, talked about how each of them had made their way from Iran to Los Angeles.

Woznica turned to the child and asked, “Did you know that?”

The child responded, “No.”

To another child, whose parent had left Iran alone at age 15, Woznica asked, “Can you imagine two years from now being on your own and in a country where you don’t know the language?”

Rabbis are also interested in broadening children’s understanding of what it means for a bar/bat mitzvah to take responsibility for new mitzvot, or commandments.

Rabbi Debra Orenstein of Makom Ohr Shalom, a Jewish Renewal congregation in Tarzana, approaches the same subject more concretely, asking children: What mitzvah would you like to become an expert in?

This initiates an exploration of the range of mitzvot as the children look at lists of positive and negative commandments, interview their teachers, generate their own personal lists and then select one mitzvah.

“I make a point of saying this can be for any reason or no reason,” Orenstein said. “It can be something that’s always interested them, that’s the easiest, or that they’ve never heard before in their lives. There is no bad mitzvah.”

Once the children have selected a mitzvah, they create an action plan. Orenstein talked about one child who selected “do not murder,” because he thought it would be the easiest to do. Rather than creating an action plan around this negative commandment, she had him look at the positive commandment that Maimonides saw as its equivalent, the commandment to preserve life. The resulting action plan included caring for people in the streets and also an exploration of Maimonides’ physician’s prayer because the child was interested in becoming a doctor.

Orenstein also asks children, in concert with their parents: What does more responsibility mean in your household? “I work with the family to come up with something that will be both a privilege and a responsibility,” she said. The responsibilities children take on have ranged from taking care of the family dog without supervision to helping make morning minyan once a week.

Since most children get a significant amount of money and gift certificates for their b’nai mitzvah, Orenstein asks them to commit to how they are going to use their money, and she helps them set up in advance a system for how give tzedakah, what percentage they will give, and where they will give.

Orenstein also confronts the issue of how to make the party more than just a celebration. She asks children: How could we add more mitzvah into the bar/bat mitzvah? One way may be to incorporate their mitzvah project into the bar/bat mitzvah celebration. They look together at examples of what other children have done, but she finds that children usually have creative ideas, for example, making a centerpiece of artfully arranged nonperishable goods that get donated afterwards to a homeless shelter. They also talk about who would enjoy flowers and who would be willing to take any leftover food.

Rabbi Judith HaLevy of Malibu Jewish Center and Synagogue, a Reconstructionist congregation, wants children to be able to acknowledge the value of the bar mitzvah process, so she asks them: How has the bar mitzvah process affected you? How do you feel different now about your bar mitzvah than when you started the process two years ago?

“I feel like this is a transformer PowerPoint moment,” she said. “Kids who go through the process get kicked up a notch in a way they wouldn’t if they didn’t go through the process.”

Rabbis also ask questions that try to penetrate who each child really is as a human being. HaLevy initiates this exploration by asking a key question about the Torah portion. “My job in the process is to take their portion and find the doorway to who they are through this Torah portion,” she said.

For the portion of Naso, which includes the priestly blessing, she asked the bar mitzvah candidate: “If you had the chance to bless everyone in this congregation, how would you bless them?” His answer was “Peace.” This led to a discussion of the fact that peace is often absent both from the Torah and from our own lives and ultimately to the recognition that without peace it is difficult to focus on the Source of all blessings.

Rabbi Elazar Muskin of the Modern Orthodox Young Israel of Century City involves both parents and children in the conversation, and one of his goals is to develop a speech for the ceremony that is not canned, but tailor made for the family and the child, giving them “a message that will resonate with them for life.” To do so, he asks the family for personal vignettes about the bar/bat mitzvah, which he ties in with his Torah message to the child. “A vignette really captures the person,” he said.

For two girls who volunteered at a nonprofit equestrian center that provides horse therapy for physically and mentally disabled children and adults and who also allocated money from their bat mitzvah gifts to adopt a horse, Muskin talked about how the girls incorporated chesed, or lovingkindness, in their lives and tied it to the book of Ruth.

“When a person does chesed, without any ulterior motive, then no one can find fault, and that is what Ruth represented,” he said. 

Sometimes, rather than having meetings specifically for the purpose of getting to know the children better, they use work sessions with children on their Torah portions or mitzvah projects to develop these relationships. Rabbi Isaac Jeret of Congregation Ner Tamid of the South Bay, a Conservative synagogue on the Palos Verdes Peninsula, uses these meetings to create a sense of intimacy with the child and family; he explained, “It becomes the organic opportunity, just through natural dialogue around issues related to their mitzvah project and the speech on their Torah portion.”

For Stephen S. Wise Temple’s Woznica, the meetings with the bar/bat mitzvah student and family have value in and of themselves, and for him they are personally meaningful. “It is a beautiful moment, a touchstone moment where you can really come to know a family,” he said. “For me, I very much want them to feel a sense of the sacred. I also want them to relax, enjoy it, and be present for it. I tell them, ‘I want you to love it.’”

Planning a bar or bat mitzvah can be stressful enough, but add difficult economic times and it can be a downright frightening and challenging time emotionally. Let’s face it — communicating with a teenager is not easy in the first place, but add high expectations for their big day and it may be nearly impossible.

JUST TALKING
Try to create opportunities for communication, like driving in the car with them to school or their soccer game. Another way to increase communication is to do activities together without the other kids around, such as going to the golf range with your son or getting your nails done with your daughter. The set-aside-time-to-talk can feel threatening for teens, which can set up a negative communication attempt. Sometimes a natural, spur-of-the-moment style of communication might go over better.

• Listen to what your teenager is telling you. Look them in the eye and state back what you hear, such as: “What you’re saying is that having a DJ is really important to you.” Don’t start by dismissing what they are telling you. If as parents we want our children to listen to us, we must model good listening for them.
• Try to understand your teen’s feelings. You don’t have to agree or disagree with your teen, but make them aware you can understand why they would feel that way or want “this or that” at their bar or bat mitzvah. Do not explain away your teen’s feelings. Understanding may be the primary comfort they need.
• Do not overreact to your teenager. Teens often say things to get a reaction, which can then turn into a power struggle rather than moving toward a compromise or greater understanding of his or her feelings. Do not say “no” so fast, but tell them you need time to consider what they have said and that you will discuss it at a later time.
• Being positive can go a long way with a teenager. Don’t dwell on your teen’s mistakes or lack of appreciation, but focus instead on their strengths, accomplishments, interests and appropriate behavior. Appeal to their rational and understanding side.

TALKING BUDGET
The best way to deal with the planning of the bar or bat mitzvah celebration is to get your child involved in the budget from the beginning. This allows them to understand where certain monies need to be spent. Teaching them “hard” costs and “soft” costs of planning such an event will be a useful skill in their life.

Have your teens make a list of what is most important to them and help them understand what part of the budget can be spent on X or Y, allowing them choice throughout the process on how they want to spend certain “soft costs,” like decorations, catering or a DJ.

Opening up the financial decision-making process will help get their creative juices flowing on how to budget money. Maybe they would like to make the centerpieces and be able to reallocate the saved money toward a DJ or a charity. As parents we will need to give up some control to allow our children to gain a true appreciation of budgeting a major family event like a bar or bat mitzvah. In this way each family member learns throughout this process.

If you are like many families stretching to make ends meet, here are some great ways to communicate with your teens about money and our country’s current recession:

Talk about what you are seeing in our economy and have your teen discuss what they are seeing and experiencing in the media. Ask them how they feel about all of this and what they are worried about. Use this time to discuss your family’s own economic situation.

At a later date check in with your teen about your conversation regarding the economy and see if they have any other thoughts about it or any other worries that may have crept up since the conversation.

Don’t overwhelm them with nitty-gritty details, because they do need to have a sense of security and stability in their home life. We want our children to feel empowered to change their own spending habits and how they view money without causing anxiety that could be detrimental.

Work together as a family for your financial future. Together come up with ways that the family can save money. If the kids want a big-ticket item, have them work for it. Maybe you let them do the gardening to earn money, rather than keep the gardener. Rather than eating out and going to the movies, you might start a “family game and make your own pizza” night to encourage saving and family unity. Be a good financial role model for your children. Our kids learn messages from our actions as much as our words. They should see us plan, save and spend money in a wise manner.

As parents, the bar or bat mitzvah experience can be used to help our teens understand how important it is to be fiscally responsible and how to stretch limited resources. It can also be a time for the whole family to work together as a team for one wonderful common goal — a spiritual, fun and on-budget celebration.

Michelle Golland (drmichellegolland.com) is a relationship expert and has a private practice in Hollywood. She has appeared on Larry King Live, HLN, ABC and Fox News, and is a contributor to momlogic.com.

“Rabbi, my parents and siblings have never been to a Jewish service before. I don’t want them to be uncomfortable at Darci’s bat mitzvah. What should I do?”

“My husband is Catholic and really never comes to anything at the synagogue. He has always left the kids’ religious education up to me, but now suddenly he is really nervous that either he will be put on the spot and not know what to do or be left out altogether from the service at Ryan’s bar mitzvah. Help!”

“Rabbi, I looked at the list of service honors and I have asked my wife’s sister and brother who are Evangelical Christians to open the ark at Morgan’s bat mitzvah. Is that OK?”

“I am really excited about the ceremony of passing the Torah from one generation to the next at Jake’s bar mitzvah. I already told my Lutheran parents that they will get to pass the ‘Old Testament’ to their grandson, and they are thrilled.”

Welcome to the world of synagogue life in the 21st century.

I had many foolish preconceptions about being a rabbi when I was first ordained 33 years ago. Perhaps the most foolish of all was the assumption that whenever I would teach or preach in a synagogue it would naturally be to a congregation of Jews. Maybe rabbis in the distant past could make that assumption, and perhaps most Orthodox rabbis even today have a similar experience. But for the majority of rabbis who serve the majority of synagogues in America (and certainly in Los Angeles), every single time we stand in front of a congregation we know for sure that we are addressing Jews and non-Jews of all kinds at one and the same time.

In the 23 years that I have served Kehillat Israel in Pacific Palisades, Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists, Muslims and Evangelicals have all been members of my congregation and community. They are married and partnered with Jews who themselves were raised in every stream of Jewish life across the entire spectrum of observance and Jewish knowledge. It sure isn’t your parent’s Judaism or Jewish community anymore. To maintain the balance of inclusion and affirmation of Jewish identity, which seems so crucial to the continuing evolution of Judaism as a religious civilization, complex, demanding and often delicate synagogue negotiating is called for.

Week after week I sit with the children and parents of interfaith families and discuss their upcoming bar or bat mitzvah service. They are almost always nervous about how their non-Jewish family fits into the celebration, how the many non-Jews who will be coming will experience and understand the service, the Hebrew, the rituals, the very idea of what a bar or bat mitzvah as a Jewish rite of passage is all about. And in the end, it is often those very families who are most moved, inspired and proud to be able to share such an important Jewish lifecycle moment with the non-Jews in their lives.

I could never have known so long ago that as a rabbi it is precisely these moments, when successful, that often bring the most personal fulfillment and sense of accomplishment in being a teacher of Judaism. Rabbis I know throughout Los Angeles regularly receive notes like this one I received just a couple of weeks ago: “As you know, many, if not most, of the attendees were not Jewish. Many had never been to a [bar or bat] mitzvah before, so they were getting a new experience. So many said that they wished their child could have a ceremony like this in their religion. They loved the feeling of ‘welcomeness’ that they got, too.”

How do you, as a rabbi, make interfaith b’nai mitzvah successful?

Strive to make sure that everyone in the family feels validated for who they are, regardless of their particular religious identity. We include non-Jewish parents in every aspect of the ceremony, affirming that they, too, have made the choice to have their children raised with a Jewish identity as well as learn and celebrate their Jewish history, rituals, holidays and lifecycle moments within the loving embrace of a nonjudgmental and accepting Jewish community.

The keys to success for most synagogues that wrestle with interfaith lifecycle challenges seem to be these:

• Never assume anything. Make sure that everyone in the family, Jews and non-Jews alike, is given as much orientation and information as possible as to what exactly is expected of them, what the service will look like, feel like and who will be doing what throughout. Ignorance encourages anxiety, so you cannot over-communicate expectations clearly.
• Create the opportunity for both Jewish and non-Jewish parents/partners to speak to you privately about their concerns, anxieties, insecurities and needs. People will often put up a stoic, brave front when together, but when alone will reveal powerful family issues and worries that the rabbi can proactively handle and be sensitive to at the time of the service if warned in advance.
• Encourage families to communicate with their non-Jewish relatives and friends in advance about what the service will look like, when they need to be there, what they will be expected to do, what to wear and what the minhag hamakom, or the specific customs of your particular synagogue, might be so they know what to expect. Do all males wear kippot? Do women as well? Are they expected to wear a tallit if they are part of an aliyah to the Torah? Are there things that only Jews can do in the service? Are they expected to recite words of the Torah blessings or other readings in Hebrew? In English? The more they know in advance the better and more secure everyone will feel.
• Encourage couples to see the experience through their spouse’s/partner’s eyes. We are often so caught up in our own experiences — our own lifetime of expectations and excitement about fulfilling dreams we have had of raising our own children — that we don’t stop to imagine an entirely different range of feelings, attitudes and experiences. If differences can be seen as opportunities, they can bring couples, families and whole communities together in ways that remind us there is more that unites us than divides us in the things that matter most in life.
• Remind yourself what matters most ultimately. This is a life-transforming moment for the child, and it is his or her experience that matters most. The greatest successes I have had when issues are difficult and emotions tend to be on edge is to help parents and sometimes extended family remember where their priorities need to be. Sometimes it isn’t easy. Sometimes it takes more time than I would like. Sometimes you simply have to keep showing up with each family in the way they need most, give support to each child and each parent, provide an emotionally and spiritually safe way for everyone to feel included and valued before everyone can come around to putting the child first.
• In the end, as the rabbi, it is my job to communicate clearly about my own priorities as well. The principles that have made the most difference in my own rabbinic work are simply these: People don’t care how much I know until they know how much I care, and people are more important to me than rules. When I sit with any couple, any family, any issue, it is putting people first that has most often allowed the negotiating around bar and bat mitzvah ceremonies or any other challenge to find its way to ultimate resolution and shalom (peace).

Steven Carr Reuben is senior rabbi of Kehillat Israel Reconstructionist Congregation of Pacific Palisades and author of “There’s an Easter Egg on Your Seder Plate — Surviving Your Child’s Interfaith Marriage” (Praeger, 2008).

Attending a bar/bat mitzvah can be confusing, and perhaps even daunting, especially for guests who aren’t Jewish.

Questions might arise such as: Can I wear black? Do I bring a gift? What is a bar/bat mitzvah?

While familiarity with the party that follows the bar or bat mitzvah is ubiquitous, and frequently played for laughs in films like “Keeping Up With the Steins,” the coming-of-age ceremony itself is less widely known among non-Jews.

Learning about ceremony details beforehand can help non-Jewish guests avoid any faux pas and/or culture shock.

Rabbi Joshua Hoffman of Valley Beth Shalom, a Conservative congregation in Encino, said there’s no need for non-Jews to get nervous before the big event.

“You don’t have to be Jewish to sing along,” he said. “You can put a clip on to hold the kippah, dressing modestly is a value … and don’t be afraid to ask questions.” 

When it comes to prayer, he said non-Jews are not expected to participate.

“There is no effort to convert non-Jews or to persuade anyone that Jewish prayer or Judaism is the best way to encounter God. It is our way and you are welcome to join your prayers with ours,” Hoffman said.

Jeff Bernhardt, a b’nai mitzvah educator at Temple Israel of Hollywood, a Reform congregation, said he believes it is a good idea for non-Jewish guests to ask the hosts, or others in the know, whether there are specific practices they should be sensitive to during a given service.

Some helpful questions include: What can I expect? or Is there anything I should know in advance that would be helpful?

Bernhardt recommends the book “How to Be a Perfect Stranger: The Essential Religious Etiquette Handbook” (Skylight Paths Publishing, 2002) as a helpful reference, and he also suggests looking online prior to the event for answers to questions.

When it comes to presents, it’s not unusual for Jewish guests to offer money or gift cards. But Cantor Don Gurney of Wilshire Boulevard Temple, a Reform synagogue in Koreatown and West Los Angeles, recommends that guests purchase Israel Bonds instead of giving a cash gift. “Rather than give $100, why not buy an Israel bond that will mature and also helps Israel?” he said.

Gurney, however, warns that a cash gift can be a faux pas if the bar mitzvah is being held at an Orthodox congregation.

“In an Orthodox synagogue it is inappropriate to bring cash, so either mail or give it beforehand or during the party,” he said.

When it comes to appropriate dress, Rabbi Dan Moskovitz of Temple Judea, a Reform congregation in Tarzana, adds that it is customary for men to cover their heads and women to cover their shoulders in a synagogue. Men cover their heads with a kippah as a sign of respect, and to remind Jews that God sees all that we do. Women cover their shoulders out of modesty in the holiness of the sanctuary and in the presence of the Torah.

After the child finishes his or her Torah reading, some congregations throw candy.

“The custom is connected with the idea of showing a child sweetness at such a sweet moment. Try not to leave a mark that will show up in pictures, and it’s not nice to throw candy at the rabbi,” Moskovitz said.

Also, after a child reads from the Torah or delivers a drash (speech) or a parent speaks to their child, it is inappropriate to applaud in synagogue.

“It is not a performance, but rather a moment of blessing and holiness, so instead, a traditional expression of congratulations and support is given,” he said. “The congregation will often call out to the child or parent, ‘Yasher koach’ [strength to you] or ‘Kol hakavod’ [honor to you].

“There is a concept in Judaism called minhag hamakom [the customs of the place] which are the customs you follow,” he said. “When in doubt about something (i.e., to wear a kippah, to stand or sit), just do what everyone else is doing.”

If you’ve chosen non-kosher catering for the bar or bat mitzvah, you may still wish to accommodate guests who observe Jewish dietary laws. But with standards of kashrut observance varying from person to person, meeting everyone’s needs can get tricky.

“There is no fast and easy guide to accommodating kosher guests,” said Rabbi Reuven Nathanson, director of the Orthodox Union (OU) West Coast Kashruth Division. “What you’re allowed to do, what you should do and what looks right has to do with the time, place and people involved.”

The challenge, rabbis say, is not in providing kosher meal alternatives, which in the Los Angeles area are abundant, but in making sure your guests feel comfortable in a setting where they would not otherwise eat. Meshed with clear biblical dictates about what is and is not permissible under Jewish law is a host of rabbinic interpretations that shape the way individuals practice kashrut in their daily lives. To navigate this “gray zone,” Nathanson recommends a dialogue between the host, guests and the guests’ rabbinic adviser to find a solution that best adheres to their religious preferences.

The following tips address common issues that arise when accommodating kosher-observant guests at a non-kosher event. 

Fresh Produce
While fresh vegetables and fruit do not need kosher certification, problems can arise in their preparation. Judaism’s strict prohibition against eating insects requires a level of cleaning and inspection that exceeds government standards, especially for leafy greens and fresh herbs, Nathanson says. Many kosher observers therefore won’t eat from the same salad prepared for everyone else. For those who don’t, kosher certified, prepackaged salads served on paper plates may be a suitable alternative. 

Fruit is typically less problematic, though here too guests may refrain from eating from the main offering.

“I tell people under no circumstances can they eat fruit because of the risk of cross contamination,” said Rabbi Yakov Vann, director of Kashrut Services at the Rabbinical Council of California (RCC). “There is no way you can have total isolation [from non-kosher foods] in a catering facility.”

Main Course
When it comes to the entrée, prepackaged meals double-wrapped to avoid contamination are a popular standby. But with dozens of certification agencies offering kosher options, hosts may be hard pressed to know which to choose.

RCC’s Vann recommends selecting the highest kosher standard or a well-recognized symbol in the community. When in doubt, the host should ask guests for their preference or consult with a prominent rabbi in the community.

Whatever kosher meal is selected, it must not resemble the main offering in order to avoid the perception that the kosher observer is not concerned with Jewish dietary laws.

“If what you’re doing is OK but looks wrong, you can’t do it,” OU’s Nathanson said. “So if the main meal is chicken, don’t serve chicken to the kosher person.  Have something different.”

To further distinguish the kosher meal, Vann recommends serving it on paper plates, not on duplicate china. 

Double-wrapped meals can be heated in regular ovens. Guests should be asked ahead of time if they’d like their meals brought out open or if they would prefer to open the wrappings themselves. 

Some local venues have facilities for preparing kosher alternatives in-house. Hosts should review this option with guests to determine whether and under what circumstances that is acceptable. 

Beverages
Soft drinks and coffee brewed in industrial percolators are typically fine for all levels of kosher observance. Liquor and wine must be certified kosher. 

Sabbath
Kosher food cannot be transported on the Sabbath, so food intended for observant guests must arrive at the venue prior to sunset on the Friday before the event or after sundown on Saturday.

Likewise, kosher food cannot be heated in ovens that have been lit on the Sabbath. For Saturday afternoon bar mitzvah parties, items that do not require warming are a safe choice.

Hand Washing
Observant Jews perform the ritual of hand washing before eating meals with bread. Hosts should supply guests with a glass and provide access to a sink outside the bathroom. 

Breakfast Buffets
Breakfast and brunch buffets are typically easier than formal dinners because cereals, dairy products and other items can be presented in their original packaging, Nathanson said. Selecting products with a preferred kosher certification and providing disposable plates and utensils go a long way toward ensuring that kosher observers leave your event satisfied and well fed.

Given the negative press about over-the-top b’nai mitzvah celebrations, many families are rethinking the black-tie or other extravaganza, giving preference to true expressions of mitzvot. High on the list of alternatives is a trip to Israel, where the bar or bat mitzvah ceremony and celebration dinner can take place along with an enlightening tour for the celebrant with family and friends.

To begin planning a bar/bat mitzvah in Israel, look to print ads and Internet sites from tour operators to generate options. Many factors will guide your choice: How many people are in your personal group; when and for how long you wish to go; how private you want to be; and if anyone in your group has special needs. You can choose a standard package or make customized arrangements.

Standard tours have set departure dates, usually coinciding with school vacations in summer, December and February. They include travel on air-conditioned motor coaches, lodging at first-class or luxury hotels and many meals, highlighted by daily Israeli breakfast buffets with enough food for an entire day.

Your tour might be a single bus or one of several, with families from all over the country. Most operators try to arrange bus groups according to the ages of the bar or bat mitzvah’s siblings, often resulting in bonding that leads to long-term friendships. Some tours offer a free trip for the celebrant, depending on how many are in the party.

Since the ceremony is central to this trip, tour programs may provide a rabbi or cantor to rehearse with the b’nai mitzvah and/or conduct the services at one of several religious sites.

Monday or Thursday morning ceremonies at Masada are popular, because participants can reach the top by cable car. However, some tours arrange for services at sites in Jerusalem, including the Western Wall plaza and the Reform Beit Shmuel with its spectacular rooftop view. In the north, one of Safed’s historic synagogues is a special site.

Following the services, some programs include a “Kiddush” or a lunch. A gala evening party usually takes place at a hotel or restaurant. Live music, dancing, candle-lighting ceremonies, gourmet dinner, entertainment, gifts for the b’nai mitzvah and certificates from the Israeli government are among the features.

Sightseeing with fully licensed, English-speaking guides allows you to take in Israel’s most impressive sites. The specifics vary from one company to another, but all include youth-friendly activities such as kayaking, camel rides, swimming, tree-planting, Jeep tours, archaeological digs, boat rides, cave crawls and visits to museums that bring to life the history of the Jewish people and the Land of Israel. The following are glimpses into some tours:

• Ayelet Tours, Ltd. includes exploration of the tunnels under Jerusalem’s Old City, Jeep tours in the Golan Heights and an archaeological dig. Its longer itineraries include a visit to Eilat, with a cruise on the Red Sea, a day tour of Petra and a return flight to Tel Aviv. On Ayelet’s Hadassah missions, the bar/bat mitzvah may take place in the Chagall-windows chapel at the Hadassah Hospital.
• Emunah of America, a religious Zionist organization, operates an annual family b’nai mitzvah mission in August and year-round custom-planned trips. Opportunities to share the simcha with Israeli children-at-risk in Emunah’s Residential Children’s Homes are special mitzvot. Beyond outdoor activities, scholars-in-residence add a spiritual element to the program at appropriate times.
• Israel Travel Advisory Service LLC, running b’nai mitzvah tours since 1970, sends the family a CD with the Torah readings before the trip and also has a rehearsal in Israel with a rabbi or cantor. For the tour, they select specially trained, licensed professional guides with a unique ability to communicate with everyone from the youngest children to seniors. Their in-depth knowledge runs the gamut of Israel-related subjects, making trips exciting and informative. Request the descriptive DVD.
• Tova Gilead, Inc. specializes in small, upscale and unique tours with no more than 35 people on a bus or customized private tours for individual families. Catering to three-generation b’nai mitzvah families, the former Israeli tour guide arranges programs involving all the generations in the outdoor fun and the rite of passage. Following services at Masada or the Southern Wall of the Temple in Jerusalem, the rabbi presents each child with Tova’s special gifts: A Torah with the name of the bar/ bat mitzvah child, the location of the service and the Hebrew calendar year embroidered on the cover; a tallit and kippah for boys; a challah cover for girls; and a bar or bat mitzvah coin minted by the Israel government.
• Marlene Ritter of Israel Tour Connection LLC describes her company’s group and individual b’nai mitzvah tours as combined fun and learning experiences, involving all the senses. As families hike, kayak and swim, they learn about the country. Weather permitting, the youngsters climb up to Masada for the ceremony. Ritter says the youngsters come home knowing the country, why it’s there and also knowing who they are. One example: At the trip’s end, a child of an interfaith marriage asked to wear a mezuzah.
• Margaret Morse Tours, a major force in Israel travel, has a similar story. One boy on a b’nai mitzvah trip did not wish to take part in the service, but his parents still brought an appropriate outfit along for him. After a few days of touring, when the service took place, without pressure, he dressed and joined the ceremony.

Today he is a man!

Ayelet Tours, Ltd., www.ayelet.com, (800) 237-1517
Hadassah, {encode=”missions@hadassah.org” title=”missions@hadassah.org”}
Emunah, www.emunah.org, (800) 368-6440
Israel Travel Advisory Service, www.itastours.com, (800) 326-4827
Tova Gilead, Inc., www.tovagilead.com, (800) 242-8682
Israel Tour Connection, www.israeltour.com, (800) 247-7235
Margaret Morse Tours, www.margaretmorsetours.com, (800) 327-3191

The stark reality is that unless we are: 1 — an organizational queen; 2 — married to the organizational king; or 3 — have nothing else to do (which is clearly not the case considering we are parents), planning our child’s bar or bat mitzvah promises to be profoundly overwhelming.

The following timeline will help you stay on track along the way.

Two to ThreeYears Out

• Secure a date. Unless your synagogue is going to track you down like mine did, contact the temple office when your child is less than 10 years old and set the wheels in motion.
• Inquire about tutoring. Synagogues vary in the ways they handle bar/bat mitzvah lessons, so it’s important to be clear on how things work in your congregation. Will the rabbi tutor your child? If not, will the synagogue arrange a teacher or are you expected to track one down on your own? Will payment be handled through the synagogue office, or will you pay the tutor privately?Is there a list of recommended tutors? Do some work better with certain kinds of kids? If your child has a learning problem and may need more extensive tutoring or a specific approach, let the rabbi know now.
• Begin bar mitzvah networking. Get into the habit of probing parents of children within a year of their bar or bat mitzvah for simcha scoop. Of course you want to get the usual rundown of the best — and worst — party planners, photographers, caterers, venues, etc. But don’t stop there. Ask about meaningful traditions and special touches they’ve experienced in b’nai mitzvah ceremonies and celebrations.
• Start having Torah portion parleys. “Mitzvah Chic” writer Gail Anthony Greenberg suggests that we make it a routine to discuss one idea from the weekly portion each week to help prepare our child to write the devar Torah.

One Year Out

• Work out a budget. Without a hard-and-fast budget and list of spending priorities, we are essentially toast.
• Become at home in the synagogue. If you don’t attend services regularly, it’s time to crack open the siddur.
• Start stitching. If you will be needlepointing a tallit or tallit bag for your child’s bar or bat mitzvah, it’s time to hit the thread.
• Compile a baseline guest list. It’s important to have a general sense of numbers and how many rings out from your inner circle you’re planning to invite.
• Begin researching possible tzedakah projects.
• Put down deposits. It’s time to make some decisions and pay the piper. Venues, DJs, bands, photographer/videographer, decorators and the like will all require some nonrefundable token of your commitment at this point. Just be sure you have the terms in writing before you give them your credit card number.
• Decide if you will be having other events throughout the weekend. Many families invite close friends and family to a Friday evening Shabbat dinner before the big event and/or a Sunday brunch as a send-off.
• Look into lodging. If you have out-of-town guests coming, find a convenient hotel that is willing to offer a promotional price and reserve a block of rooms.

Six Months Out

• Order invitations. Even if you are the decisive type, this promises to be a challenge. (Who knew that there were so many different shades of blue ink to choose from?) Be sure to err on the side of ordering too many invites rather than too few, because reprints of small quantities can be costly.
• Tackle the trope. If you or any other family members will be reading from the Torah at the service, get your portions now — trope is tricky.
• Get cracking on the devar Torah. Reflecting on the Torah portion can be as hard, if not harder, than learning it, so it’s important to give your child plenty of time for rewrites.
• Track down a tallit. One of the most powerful moments in the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony is when the parents present the child with his/her first tallit. If you are not a stitchin’ chick, it’s time to start shopping. Judaica stores (online and brick and mortar) and synagogue gift shops are a great place to start.
• Decide on decorations and centerpieces. If you will be assembling them yourself, start gathering materials. If you are working with a party planner, finalize the concept.
• Check on your child’s progress. Remain in close contact with your child’s bar/bat mitzvah tutor to be certain he/she is moving along well. If necessary, add extra sessions.
• Keep up with the kippahs. Place orders for imprinted kippahs. Be prepared to make a slew of unexpected choices (silk or satin, leather or cloth, patterned or solid, etc.).

Three Months Out

• Check on your child’s d’var Torah writing progress.
• Collect pictures for the video or slide show. A video presentation featuring the bar/bat mitzvah child growing up and special family members and friends is always a hit at the party. Plus, it forces us to make a historical document of our child’s life that we’ll cherish for years to come.If you are techno-savvy, there are lots of programs that will enable you to do this yourself. Otherwise, there are plenty of vendors out there more than willing to do it for you.
• Have your tastings. Go for free tastings (you’ll pay later, and then some) and finalize your menus.
• Shop for bar/bat mitzvah attire. Hold out on alterations for kids’ clothes for now.
• Address the envelopes. Whether you will be having a calligrapher or laser printer do the work, it’s time to get started. Take a fully stuffed envelope to the post office to be weighed and buy the stamps. (Hint: You may want to send yourself an invitation as a test run to be sure the envelopes stay sealed and the calligraphy is legible by the postman.)

Two Months Out

• Mail invitations. Some people prefer to have their invitations hand-stamped to maintain a clean look.
• Decide on aliyot and honors. Decide who will be opening, closing, undressing and redressing the Torah. Find out the Hebrew names of everyone receiving an aliyah.
• Draft a bar/bat mitzvah brochure. Many families choose to set out personalized fliers offering special general messages and a list of the people — and their relation to the child — who will be participating in the service.
• Write your speech to your child. Considering how crazy life is about to get, you are wise to get the emotional piece out of the way now.

One Month Out

• Have practice services. Boost your child’s confidence and refine davening skills by periodically having him/her run through the service at home.
• Lay out a seating plan. If you’ll be assigning tables, get out a pencil with an ample eraser and start arranging the troops.
• Coordinate a rehearsal time with your synagogue. Try to arrange for the photographer of videographer to be there for a mock-up bar/bat mitzvah shot.
• Coordinate out-of-town guest transportation to and from airports and weekend festivities.

Three Weeks Out

• Touch base with your vendors. Having learned the hard way — my photographer showed up at the wrong restaurant location and missed the entire first half of the party — I can tell you it is absolutely imperative that you confirm time, date and place with photographers, caterers, DJ’s, videographers, decorators and any other involved parties.
• Alter your child’s clothing. Tell your kids to hold off on the growth spurts and head off to the alterations place.
• Stock up for the hospitality suite. If you will be having a hospitality room for out- of-town guests, it’s time to hit Costco.
• Put together welcome baskets/bags for out-of-town guests. Include a schedule of events and detailed directions.

One Week Out(Oy Vey!)

• Confirm final guest count with caterer — keeping in mind that once you have guaranteed a number, you’ll be paying for it, even if fewer guests show up.
• Prepare an emergency kit. You can never be too ready for a wardrobe malfunction. Throw together a bag with a sewing kit, hairbrush, extra stockings, bandages, lipstick and any other emergency items you might need and put it in your car — NOW.
• Do your pre-bar mitzvah family mitzvah. There’s nothing like an act of tikkun olam to snap the big picture back into focus.

One Day Out

• Breathe deeply, enjoy the moment and get ready for a wild, wonderful, whirlwind weekend.

Sharon Duke Estroff is an internationally syndicated Jewish parenting columnist, award-winning educator, mother of four and author of the book, “Can I Have a Cell Phone For Hanukkah?” (Random House, 2007).Read her online at sharonestroff.com.