December 14, 2007

How to get your favorite things without losing your mind

Leave a Comment / Weddings / Shoshana Lewin-Fischer

At some point between “Will you marry me?” and “You may kiss the bride,” a happy couple must devote some time to the gift registry, which will help fill the shelves and drawers of their new home.

But the first time a couple walks into a store to register for their wedding gifts can be overwhelming. Myriad appliances, gadgets, pots, dishes and sheets seem to loom large, and the choices are dizzying.

When the bride’s eye spots a cream-colored coffee serving set, she has no idea if it’s a good brand or if it will fit on the top of the buffet. She just knows it’s really pretty and that she can’t live without it.

She calls to her fiancé to ask his opinion and finds that he has left for points unknown — and he has the scanning gun. When she finally tracks him down, she finds that the registry now contains 12 beer glasses, a creme brule torch, a lava lamp and a leopard-print sheet set.

Make a plan or prepare for some tears (and no one wants to see the groom cry). A little advance planning is all you need before you set foot in the store or sit down in front of the computer. Sharing expectations with each other is crucial, and getting advice from family and friends can help provide you with a realistic idea of what you’ll need as you begin your life together.

When to Register

Most couples register six to eight months before the wedding (while most brides unofficially register at the age of 7). Some prefer to register before their engagement party, while others sign up just prior to a bridal shower. Those hoping for cash, checks or gift cards might prolong registering — or skip it altogether.

Once you register, make sure to check and update your lists periodically; getting baking pans from Linens ‘N’ Things means you probably can remove the ones you registered for at Bloomingdales. Also, some stores carry seasonal items (Crate & Barrel is renowned for its constantly shifting stock), so the napkins you put on the list in December might be gone by March.

What You Want

Almost all stores offer some sort of checklist of must-not-forget items. You can also print out similar lists from a wedding Web site like TheKnot.com or weddingchannel.com.

From there, go through what you already own. Just because the checklist says you need an iron doesn’t mean you have to replace the one you are using now if you love it. On the flip side, this is the time when you will be able to upgrade.

Next, consider your new digs. If there is no room for the margarita maker on your counter, will it fit on a shelf in the cabinet? What colors are the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen? If the appliances are chrome, will the yellow towels you want work?

Another great tip is to talk to parents, grandparents, friends and co-workers to see what they recommend. If your uncle is a whiz in the kitchen, ask what brands and types of pots and pans to select. If your grandmother has everyday dishes that have been around since “I Love Lucy” was in first-run episodes, you might want to look up the company and see if they’re still in business today.

And don’t feel you need to pick what is “traditional.” If music and movies are more your passion than Merlot, why not put some DVDs or an iPod on the list?

Also, some department stores now sell Judaica. But if you don’t find what you want, spread the word that you need a Havdalah set, mezuzot or a menorah.

Where to Register

A standard wedding registry usually breaks down into six categories, according to How to get your favorite things without losing your mind Read More »

Modern Orthodoxy expands public roles for women

Leave a Comment / Worldwide / Ben Harris

When Dina Najman was hired last year to lead Kehillat Orach Eliezer, a traditional Orthodox-style congregation, it was hailed as a major, if controversial, step forward for the status of women in Orthodoxy.

Barely a year later Kehillat Orach Eliezer — an unaffiliated congregation that meets in a Manhattan youth hostel — is pondering its future.

Attendance has been dwindling — members say they have lost worshipers to the suburbs or more liberal prayer communities — and the congregation may decide this month to vote itself out of existence.

Still, the progression of women’s leadership within Orthodoxy, in which Najman was an early pioneer, not only has grown but also won sanction from the movement’s establishment institutions.

Two venerable Orthodox synagogues in Manahattan have hired graduates of an advanced women’s Talmud program at Yeshiva University to posts that afford them many of the public responsibilities traditionally reserved for rabbis.

In one case, Congregation Shearith Israel, commonly known as the Spanish-Portuguese Synagogue, decided recently not to hire a new associate rabbi, instead giving many of those responsibilities to Lynn Kaye, a program graduate.

“I think that my hiring is good news because it reflects one congregation’s willingness to allow women to contribute to Jewish life and to the community, as well,” Kaye, 26, said. “There are many women who would love to serve the Jewish community, and I wish there were more opportunities for them to do that.”

The hiring of women to leadership roles at Orthodox congregations is not without precedent. At least four U.S. Orthodox synagogues have placed women in staff positions dealing principally with education and pastoral care rather than ritual roles like leading services.

But the arrival of women at such Modern Orthodox mainstays as Shearith Israel and the Jewish Center in Manhattan, which recently hired a woman to a two-year post as resident scholar, and the support they enjoy from the flagship institution of Modern Orthodoxy, marks the phenomenon’s transition from the Orthodox fringe to the mainstream.

“It’s really a huge change,” said Robin Bodner, executive director of the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance. “We’re witnessing the emergence of one of the most exciting phenomena in the Modern Orthodox community today — that of capable, learned women taking on significant spiritual leadership roles. And it’s a progression from the more liberal periphery to the more conservative center.”

Though their precise responsibilities vary, the positions women are carving out for themselves within Orthodox synagogues tend to focus on education. Some deliver sermons on Shabbat mornings before the entire congregation and provide counseling or spiritual guidance. None lead services or read from the Torah.

A generation ago, efforts to offer greater opportunities for women in Orthodox synagogues centered on separate women’s prayer groups, a movement that appears to have lost momentum in recent years. Rising in its stead have been so-called partnership minyanim in which women play certain limited roles — often including reading from the Torah — in an otherwise typical Orthodox service.

Filling paid leadership positions in established synagogues, it is widely agreed, represents something else entirely.

“This is something whose time has just come,” said Rabbi Shmuel Hain, the academic head of the Graduate Program for Women in Advanced Talmudic Studies at Yeshiva University, the two-year post-collegiate program of intensive study completed by the recent hires at Shearith Israel and the Jewish Center.

Hain recently introduced a supplemental fellowship option that provides additional training in public speaking and leadership.

“Rabbis and lay leadership have begun to realize that it will enhance their synagogue programming and ability to relate to all types of people if they hire qualified scholarly women in these kinds of positions,” he said.

Inevitably, women like Kaye fuel speculation that Orthodox ordination of female rabbis might be nearing. It’s an issue on which even progressive leaders tread with extreme caution.

“That’s not on our radar screen,” said Hain, when asked if his program saw female ordination as an objective.

Rachel Kohl Finegold, the programming and ritual director at the Orthodox Anshe Sholom B’nai Israel Congregation in Chicago, says that placing women in leadership positions is a worthy end in itself. And while she doesn’t believe the trend represents an end point, Finegold worries about her career prospects after she leaves her current position.

“I don’t think we’ve arrived,” she said. “The reality of my situation is that in X number of years, when I want to move on to whatever the next logical step would be in my career, there is no next logical step. It’s what some of us call the ‘glass mechitzah.'”

Modern Orthodoxy expands public roles for women Read More »

Sheer inspiration

Leave a Comment / Multimedia, Photos, Weddings / Tamar Snyder

Pnina Tornai probably hasn’t been the only one to dream of wedding dresses falling from the sky. But instead of rolling over and reaching for the snooze button, the designer took her dream as a sign.

Although she had never studied fashion design, Tornai shut down her clothing boutique in Tel Aviv, hired a seamstress, a beader and a patternmaker and began designing wedding gowns. Now, 17 years later, she’s Israel’s leading bridal and evening wear designer, with two freestanding boutiques and a staff of 50.

In recent years, she’s made a name for herself among the U.S. fashion set, where her gowns are No. 1 sellers at Kleinfeld in Manhattan. And now, she’s in talks to bring a store to Los Angeles.

“I’m deeply spiritual,” she said. “I believe that was a message from God.”

Tornai’s gowns are such hot sellers that New York’s Kleinfeld held a second solo fashion show in her honor at the end of October, featuring her 2008 collection. Tornai’s dresses, known for their provocative see-through corsets and glittery Swarovski crystal detail, start at $4,000 and average around $18,000. She jet sets between Israel and New York, spending roughly two weeks out of every month to fit and personalize dresses for her customers at Kleinfeld.

In Israel, Tornai doesn’t just dress celebrities — she is one herself.

“I can’t walk down the street,” she said. “I wear sunglasses, but people rush up to hug me.”

She’s played minor roles in Israeli movies and has starred in a commercial for the Israeli lottery, decked out in one of her own designs. Most recently, she was featured on The Learning Channel’s “Say Yes to the Dress” reality TV show.

“I’ve always wanted to be an actress; that was my dream,” she said.

Tornai grew up in South Africa, where her father, Shaul Assis, was a diplomat. She later studied at a famous acting school in Paris.

Acting and fashion design have a lot in common, Tornai said. “It’s all about acting and drama,” the designer said of her work. “I prepare brides for the show of their lives. The greatest mitzvah is to prepare a bride for her groom.”

As elaborate as her gowns are, Tornai’s look is surprisingly understated. She wears sleek, dark pantsuits; large diamond hoop earrings, and stilettos. She is every bit the artist. Her hands move with a flourish as she gushes about her dresses. The way she puts it, her designs come to her in a “vision.”

“I’ll wake up in the middle of the night,” she said, “and I’ll put the light on and begin drawing. Every time, my husband groans, “Another dress?”

The muse can strike her anywhere, including a Parisian cafe, where she was seated. She grabbed a napkin and began sketching. “It has to be drawn immediately, or I lose it,” she said.

Black ribbons in her new collection memorialize the untimely passing of her father this year and mourning. Father and daughter were close, and the death shook her.

“I had five to six months of blackness; nothing came to me,” she said. “He really loved my dresses; he was proudest of all.”

Like the prophets of old, Tornai is inspired by music and must be in a joyous state of mind to deliver her visions.

“I have to be alive,” she said.

While her rise to popularity in Israel was almost instantaneous, Tornai faced resistance when trying to break into the American bridal market. A few years ago, she flew in from Israel to meet with buyers at Kleinfeld.

“I always heard the name Kleinfeld as the greatest name in bridal,” she said.

The meeting was a flat-out failure. “I cried all the way back to the hotel,” Tornai recalled.

“Her designs were kind of questionable,” recalled Mara Urshel, a co-owner of Kleinfeld. “There were lots of sheers. I couldn’t possibly think of a place where anyone would wear them except in the home.”

Urshel gave the disappointed designer a sliver of hope: She agreed to let Tornai send her a few more dresses. A model put one on and, to Urshel’s surprise, the customers went gaga.

“It was sexier and more sheer than anything we were selling,” Urshel said.

Tornai’s dresses are identified by numbers, not names. The one that brought her to America was designated “101.”

“In Kabbalah, that’s the strongest number,” Tornai said.

The lace corset dress “sold and sold and sold,” she said. “That dress opened the door.”

Now of the 85 designers whose gowns are featured at Kleinfeld, Tornai is the No. 1 designer, both in terms of net revenues and number of gowns sold.

Tornai and her husband of seven years, David Loewenstein, work alongside each other. He runs the business side of the operations, allowing Tornai to focus on all things creative. It was a psychic, who brought the two together.

“You’ll meet a man named David,” the psychic told her.

A day later, a friend of Loewenstein’s was unable to make his appointment and persuaded him to meet the psychic in his place. Loewenstein, who says he doesn’t believe in that baloney, refused. But the friend was unrelenting, and so Loewenstein agreed.

“I have to give you the phone number of a woman you must call,” the psychic told him.

“Is she nice and pretty?” he asked, assuming this was some sort of joke.

“She’s a princess,” the psychic replied. “She’s better than you could ever dream of.”

On a whim, he decided to make that call. Four months later, they were engaged.

“It was very quick,” Tornai said.

Her gown was an improvement over her first wedding gown (she married for the first time at 20 while living in Paris and divorced before moving to Israel in the early 1990s).

“That first gown was a catastrophe,” she said. “It was a puffy, French design with sleeves like the ears of Dumbo the elephant. I of all people didn’t deserve that.”

Sheer inspiration Read More »

It’s about the marriage, not the wedding

Leave a Comment / Weddings / Leisah Woldoff

It’s the marriage that’s important, not the wedding.

When planning my wedding, I repeated that mantra each time wedding details began to overwhelm me. Hors d’oeuvres, centerpieces, flowers, music, cake — the to-do list kept growing.

A few days after Ron proposed, I told him I wanted to avoid the inevitable stress involved with planning a big wedding.

“I just want something simple,” I said.

“Great, me too,” he replied, cautiously eyeing the big stack of wedding planning books I had just checked out of the library.

After skimming through a number of these books, I learned that even planning a simple wedding can be complicated.

In order to make the process as simple as possible, I spent an hour at Borders selecting the most appropriate wedding organizer. On Page 14 is a wedding planning checklist and the first heading is “Nine months and earlier.” The only thing on the list we’d accomplished so far was selecting a date — six months away. I hadn’t yet reserved the ceremony or reception sites, booked a photographer, ordered my dress or selected a color scheme.

All that to do and I haven’t even gotten to the second heading: “Six to nine months before wedding.” We were already behind in booking the caterer, musicians, videographer and florist.

But a conversation with Lori Palatnik, an author and Jewish educator, reminded me that I shouldn’t let details like flowers and wedding cake distract me from the real purpose of the wedding.

“You should spend as much time planning your marriage as you do your wedding,” she advised.

So that means that in between choosing invitations and centerpieces we should also focus on what happens after the glass is broken under the chuppah? Hmm, good idea. But how?

First of all, Palatnik says that engaged couples must throw away misconceptions fed by the movies.

Marriage is “not like the movies,” she said. “You’re not going to feel ‘wow’ every day.”

In fact, if a person thinks their fianceé is “perfect,” it may be a case of infatuation rather than love, since of course nobody is perfect. Love is both eyes open, she said. You see the virtues and acknowledge the challenges, then decide if you still want to go through with it.

“Infatuation feels like love and looks like love, but it’s counterfeit,” she said.

However, infatuation after marriage is ideal, she added. Then it’s OK to put on the “rose-colored glasses” and see only the positive qualities of your spouse.

“Love is the emotion that you feel when you focus in on the virtues of another person and you identify them with those virtues,” she said. “Unfortunately, what people end up doing a few years into a marriage is you start focusing on the negative qualities and you forget the positive qualities. They’re still there, but you made a choice not to focus in on them.”

The second aspect of marriage that Palatnik mentioned was a person must make what’s important to his or her spouse important to them.

Her third piece of advice is: The more you give, the more you love.

“Giving leads to loving,” she says, and compares it to the love mothers have for their babies. “For the first few months, what do you get back? Sleepless nights and throw-up down your front. And yet you love this thing more than life itself.”

However, most people make a mistake with his or her spouse and move away from this attitude.

“If you focus on giving in your marriage, you will have a loving marriage,” except in abusive situations, she said.

Palatnik has been married for nearly 20 years and has divulged the “10 Secrets to a Great Jewish Marriage” across the United States, as well as Canada, South Africa, England and Israel, for six of those years.

“It took me over a decade of marriage to really get it,” she said. “And I’m still working on it.”

Palatnik, former host of the Toronto television show “The Jewish Journal,” offers one last bit of advice.

“The No. 1 piece of advice I would give anybody — I don’t care if you’re about to get married, if you’re thinking about getting married or you’ve been married for 20 years — learn the wisdom that the Torah has about how to have a good marriage.”

In the first 18 months Ron and I knew each other, we went to seven weddings (two of those couples also met on JDate). Whether held in a formal ballroom or in an informal intimate garden setting, each wedding was beautiful. And they all ended the same way — with two people ready to begin their new life together.

And that’s what’s really important.

It’s about the marriage, not the wedding Read More »

Picks, kicks and plugs for December 15-21

Leave a Comment / Multimedia, Photos, What's Happening / Dikla Kadosh

SAT | DECEMBER 15

(SHOWGIRLS)

” target=”_blank”>www.ticketmaster.com.

(DANCE)

Liz Lerman Dance Exchange presents “Gumdrops and the Funny Uncle,” which combines dance and theater in a holiday performance that speaks to the shifting demographic of the modern American family. Whether married, divorced, gay, straight or otherwise, this multidimensional experience celebrates the eccentricity, quirkiness and uniqueness present in all families — a refreshing holiday show for one and all. 3 p.m. and 8 p.m. $15-$28. The New LATC, Theatre 3, 514 S. Spring St., Los Angeles. For tickets, call (323) 461-3673 or visit ” target=”_blank”>www.getty.edu.

(ART)

Exhibiting the aesthetic qualities that defined a new age in the art world, the Gallery Selection of California Modernism features 20th century works including oil paintings, watercolors, sculpture and drawing from artists working in the 1920s, ’30s and ’40s. Often understood as presenting a more “subjective” representation than other American impressionists, California artists were uniquely intimate in their portrayals. Spencer Jon Helfen Fine Arts, 9200 W. Olympic Blvd., Suite 200, Beverly Hills. For gallery hours, call (310) 273-8838 or visit ” target=”_blank”>www.whatsthestoryla.com.

(YIDDISH)

With the recent critical success of the documentary “Yiddish Theater: A Love Story” and two sold-out shows of “Una Noche Idishe” at REDCAT, it’s clear that Yiddish culture is alive and kickin’. Get intimately acquainted (or reacquainted) with the culture in “A Kiss of Yiddish” — a weekend-long celebration of the Yiddish wedding. Traditional music, lively discussions and captivating lectures will be mixed in with refreshments, meals and a reception. 7-10 p.m.; Sun., 10 a.m.-6 p.m. $20 (Sat.), $55 (Sun.), $70 (both days). Student discounts available. L.A. Yiddish Culture Club (Sat.), 8339 W. Third St., Los Angeles. UCLA Royce Hall (Sun.), Room 314, Westwood. (310) 745-1190 or Miriam@yiddishinstitute.org.

SUN | DECEMBER 16

(FILM)

” target=”_blank”>www.kahaljoseph.org.

(COMEDY)

During An Afternoon With Mark Russell, the comedian will perform his musical/comedy mixed bag starring the day’s news headlines. 4 p.m.- 6 p.m. $45. American Jewish University, Brandeis-Bardin Campus, 1101 Peppertree Lane, Simi Valley. (310) 476-9777. ” target=”_blank”>www.rickrecht.com.

(JAZZ)

Award-winning jazz artists The Seeds of Sun take traditional Israeli folk music and “jazz” it up. A five-piece band blends Brazilian beats and other hints of world fusion to transform music you may have heard into an entirely new experience. They’ll appear thanks to the Jewish Music Commission of L.A. Noon. $5-$10. Valley Beth Shalom, 15739 Ventura Blvd., Encino. (818) 788-6000.

Picks, kicks and plugs for December 15-21 Read More »

Thanks to the Intelligent Designer, evolution is speeding up!

Leave a Comment / Uncategorized / JewishJournal.com

You’ve probably seen video bytes of the YouTube doofus whose question about belief in the Bible (King James version) was featured in a CNN presidential-wannabe debate.

Mike Huckabee gave a good response: