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Jewish Journal

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November 30, 2000

Walking the Tightrope

Leave a Comment / Israel, Politics, Worldwide /

Prime Minister Ehud Barak has launched an election campaign amid violent conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

He hopes to conclude the campaign some time in the spring with renewed peace hopes, or, better yet, with a draft peace agreement that he can submit to the public as his election platform.

If Barak achieves a deal with Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat, he may yet pull back from the brink of political defeat and win the election.

If he fails — and the odds at this time have to be on his failure, given the Palestinians’ present and recent intransigence — it is hard to see Barak defeating the presumptive Likud candidate, former prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who currently leads Barak by 20 percentage points in public opinion polls.

After acceding Tuesday night to the Knesset majority’s obvious desire for early elections, Barak made it clear that vigorous diplomatic efforts would continue during the coming months of “lame-duck” government.

In a television interview, Barak bemoaned the Palestinian rejection of ideas put forward by Israel and the Americans at July’s Camp David summit and in subsequent diplomatic contacts.

But, he added, “it may not be over.”

Barak insisted that his diplomatic efforts would continue alongside the Israel Defense Force’s efforts to contain and reduce Palestinian violence.

Israeli military sources reported a sharp decline Tuesday in the number and intensity of violent incidents in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

If this reduction was orchestrated by Arafat and was intended to help Barak out of his parliamentary predicament, it plainly came too late.

But there is no doubt that the Palestinians are closely following Israel’s intricate political drama. And they will have to recognize the fact that their behavior — on the “war” front and in the peace talks — could directly and critically influence the outcome of Israel’s domestic contest.

This confluence of domestic and diplomatic circumstances could therefore become a catalyst, driving Israel and the Palestinian Authority toward a comprehensive or partial agreement before the election deadline draws near.

On the other hand, some skeptics contend that the Palestinians are not genuinely interested in a peace agreement and would prefer to face a harder-line Likud government that would take the international blame if peace talks founder.

In any case, events between Israelis and Palestinians on the ground could prove to have a negative and even dangerous impact in the election run-up.

Barak seemed aware of this danger in his televised interview, when he vowed that the army, under his direction, would not “play to the gallery” by overreacting to violent Palestinian provocations.

Too often, Barak said, Israeli governments pandering to the public’s natural urge for revenge have ordered the army to overreact to Arab violence, only to regret the harmful effects to Israel’s international standing and overall strategic strength.

As the election campaign moves forward, Barak will come under greater temptation to strike back ever harder after Palestinian acts of terror or violence because he cannot afford to be perceived by sections of the electorate as soft and hesitant.

For its part, the Likud will be tempted to criticize Barak for softness and hesitancy, and to demand ever harsher military measures.

The election probably will take place in May, but who will the candidates be?

Barak announced on Tuesday that he would run as the Labor candidate. He appeared to share the widespread assumption that Netanyahu will be back to head the Likud, noting that he had beaten Netanyahu before and would beat him again.

But Barak’s candidacy is not a foregone conclusion, however unconventional and messy it is for a party to dislodge a sitting prime minister and party leader.

Foreign Minister Shlomo Ben-Ami, for one, certainly sees himself as prime ministerial material, and Israel Radio reported Tuesday night that the speaker of the Knesset, Avraham Burg, would also contend for the Labor leadership.

In the Likud, chairman Ariel Sharon shows little willingness to vacate the party leadership for the more popular Netanyahu. This week, political wags were joking that Sharon might prefer to serve as Barak’s No. 2 rather than as Netanyahu’s.

Walking the Tightrope Read More »

Where the Heart Is

Leave a Comment / Singles /

They say you can never go home again.

Well, you can. Only you might find yourself staying at a Travelodge, driving a rented Ford Contour and staking out your childhood home like some noir private eye just trying to catch a glimpse of the Johnny-come-latelys that are now living in your house.

It’s a familiar story. Kids grow up, parents sell the family home and move to some sunnier climate, some condo somewhere, some smaller abode. We grown-up kids box up all the junk from our childhoods – dusty ballet shoes, high school textbooks, rolled-up posters of Adam Ant – and wonder where home went.I’m not a sentimental person, I told myself. I don’t need to see old 3922 26th Street before we sell the place. I even skipped the part where I return home to salvage my mementos from the garage. I let my parents box up the stuff, which arrived from San Francisco like the little package you get when released from jail. You know, here’s your watch, the outfit you wore in here, some cash. Here’s the person you once were.

After a year, San Francisco called me home again. I missed it. High rents had driven all my friends out of the city to the suburbs, so I made myself a reservation at a motel and drove there in a rented car. The next day, I cruised over to my old neighborhood. There was the little corner store my mom used to send me to for milk, the familiar fire station, the Laundromat.

I cried like the sap I never thought I’d be. I sat in the car, staring at my old house, tears welling up. It had a fresh paint job, the gang graffiti erased from the garage door. New curtains hung in the window.

I walked up and touched the doorknob like it was the cheek of a lover just home from war. I noticed the darker paint where our old mezuzah used to be. I sat on our scratchy brick stoop, dangling my legs off the edge, feeling as rootless as I’ve ever felt.

You can’t go home in a lot of ways, I discovered that night, when I met up with an ex-boyfriend. “Great to see you,” he said, giving me a tense hug. “The thing is, I only have an hour.”

What am I, the LensCrafters of social engagements?

As it happens, his new girlfriend wasn’t too keen on my homecoming. We had a quick drink and he dropped me back off at my low-rent motel, where I scrounged up change to buy some Whoppers from the vending machine for dinner. I settled in for the evening to watch “Three to Tango” on HBO.

“You had to watch a movie with a ‘Friends’ cast member,” said my brother, nodding empathetically.

“That’s sad.”

My brother and I met up at our old house, like homing pigeons, though we could no longer go inside. We walked down the street for some coffee, and I filled him in on my trip. He convinced me to stay my last night at his new place in San Bruno, just outside the city. I’ll gladly pay $98 a night just for the privilege of not inconveniencing anyone, but he actually seemed to want me.

“I love having guests,” he insisted. So I went.

It’s surprising how late in life you still get that “I can’t believe I’m a grown-up” feeling, like when your big brother, the guy who used to force you to watch “Gomer Pyle” reruns, owns his own place. It was small and sparse and he had just moved in, but it was his. The refrigerator had nothing but mustard, a few cheese slices and 14 cans of Diet 7-Up.

We picked up some Taco Bell, rented a movie, popped some popcorn, and I fell asleep on his couch. Insomniacs rarely fall asleep on people’s couches, I assure you. I don’t know why I slept so well after agonizing all weekend over the question of home, if I had one anymore, where it was. I only know that curled up under an old sleeping bag, the sound of some second-rate guy movie playing in the background, my brother in a chair next to me, I felt safe and comfortable, and maybe that’s part of what home is.

But it’s not the whole story. As much as I’d like to buy the clichés about home being where the heart is, or as Robert Frost put it, “The place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in,” a part of me thinks the truth is somewhere between the loftiness of all those platitudes and the concreteness of that wooden door on 26th Street.

I’ll probably be casing that joint from time to time for the rest of my life. I’ll sit outside, like a child watching someone take away a favorite toy, and silently scream, “Mine!”

Where the Heart Is Read More »

Cabaret Couple Hits Carnegie Hall

Leave a Comment / Entertainment, Up Front /

It seems as if it were just yesterday that Karen Benjamin and Alan Chapman opened their CD, “Songs of Life, Love & Antelopes,” with “Marriage is Easy,” their self-deprecating nod to their own showbiz marital bliss. Come Dec. 14, they’ll be opening for Michael Feinstein at Carnegie Hall.

For those not in the know, Benjamin & Chapman have been playing the cabaret circuit for years, performing a handful of standards, as well as original compositions penned by Chapman that hem along the kind of wry satirical turf inhabited by lounge lizards such as Dave Frishberg. His songs include titles such as “Everybody Wants to Be Sondheim,” and “I Dreamed I Was Barbara Bush.”

“He was my professor of music at Occidental College,” said Benjamin of how she met Chapman in 1979. Kindred spirits, Chapman and Benjamin turned their mutual interest in cabaret into a coffeehouse act. Their friendship deepened following Benjamin’s graduation, and today they live in the Miracle Mile district with their kids, Jake, 6, and Molly, 4.

You’ve heard of torch singers — call Chapman a “torch songwriter,” carrying the torch of musical cabaret. “I try to keep abreast of Broadway shows,” said the entertainer, who recently staged a children’s opera based on another colorful duo, “Rocky & Bullwinkle.” A big fan of the likes of Gershwin, Porter and Kern, Chapman lamented the dearth of true songwriting in this day and age: “I just haven’t heard the next Rodgers and Hammerstein. I haven’t really heard the next great thing. I think all of us are trying to write it, though.”

The couple are no strangers to the local Jewish community. Past gigs have included performances for various divisions of The Jewish Federation of Greater Los Angeles, Jewish Television Network and Temple Beth Am. On Dec. 9, they will perform at the Jewish Vocational Services gala, taking place at the Skirball Cultural Center, before high-tailing it to their Carnegie Hall engagement.

But it is this weekend’s Dec. 3 performance, as part of the NoHo “A Holiday Cabaret” festival, where the couple plan to exercise a few new numbers, both seasonal and topical, such as “It’s Christmas and We’re Jewish” and “Let’s Put a Mezuzah on the White House.”

Karen Benjamin & Alan Chapman will perform at “A Holiday Cabaret” at the El Portal Center for the Arts, Sun., Dec. 3, at 7 p.m. in North Hollywood. For tickets, call (818) 508-4200. For more information on Benjamin & Chapman appearances, go to www.oxy.edu/~chapman/upcoming.html

Cabaret Couple Hits Carnegie Hall Read More »

Peace by Piece

Leave a Comment / Up Front /

If “every vote counts” has been an ongoing mantra throughout Election 2000, you might say that “every voice counts” is the idea behind organizers of the Middle East Peace Quilt, a reaction to the recent tensions in Israel that has culminated in a work of art dedicated to a meaningful, peaceful dialogue between Jews and Palestinians.

Sponsored by the Workmen’s Circle/Arbeter Ring, this international community art project, produced by Canadian artist Sima Elizabeth Shefrin with the intention of bringing together Israelis and Palestinians, features more than 200 contributors from all over the world, from artists to novices.”Everyone who’s seen this has been very impressed by it,” said Eric Gordon, director of Workmen’s Circle/Arbeter Ring, Southern California District, of the quilt, which spans 30 panels. “Before we actually got it, I just didn’t realize that it’s as huge as it is and as beautiful as it is. The amount of work that went into this is just staggering.”

The exhibit of this unique creative endeavor wraps up this weekend, after which it will be displayed at a church in Portland, Ore. In the meantime, at the Workmen’s Circle, all they are saying is give the Peace Quilt a chance.

The Middle East Peace Quilt will be exhibited at A Shenere Velt Gallery, Workmen’s Circle/Arbeter Ring, 1525 S. Robertson Blvd., Los Angeles, through Dec. 3. For more information, call (310) 552-2007 or go to www.circle.org.

Peace by Piece Read More »

Stamp of Approval

Leave a Comment / Entertainment, Film, Up Front /

The late, great actor Edward G. Robinson (“Double Indemnity,” “Little Caesar”) may never have won an Oscar, but he now has a 33-cent U.S. Postal Service commemorative stamp, the sixth in the “Legends of Hollywood” series. The illustration is based on a publicity photo from his 1931 film “Five Star Final,” one of more than 100 movies Robinson made throughout his career.

Born Emanuel Goldenberg in Bucharest, Romania, in 1893, he fled pogroms to the Lower East Side at the age of 10; scrapped rabbinical school for plans to become an actor; and became ingrained in the public memory for his vivid gangster portrayals in the 1930s. At his stamp commemoration ceremony, Charlton Heston recalled a compliment from Robinson that he never forgot: While filming “The Ten Commandments,” Robinson told Heston, “For a goy, you played a pretty good Jew.”

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Addis in Wonderland

Leave a Comment / Entertainment, Film, Up Front /

On a sunny morning along the Wilshire corridor, wearing a black leather jacket, director Michael Addis sits on the parking lot patio of Caffe Latte, talking shop over some cappuccino pancakes.”We don’t look very closely as a society,” said Addis, an independent filmmaker in his 30’s. “It’s our job as filmmakers to offer a closer look, especially if it’s comedy.”

Addis’s latest, “Poor White Trash” — starring Sean Young, Jason London, William Devane and M. Emmet Walsh — is the tale of a poor white family that resorts to crime in order to raise the money to send a son to college. Amid a colorful, satirical landscape thriving with desperate characters making wrong decisions for the right reasons, the indie film flaunts Addis’ hot-dogging, high-octane direction and has already received high praise from outlets such as Ain’t It Cool News, IMDb.com and Liz Smith’s column.

“It’s pretty sociological,” said Addis of his film as he sipped his coffee. “I was angry at the way the law deals with the disenfranchised. I was going through some legal stuff, and my father was going through some stuff with lawyers and arbitrators that ultimately destroyed his business.”Indeed, one of the major characters in “Poor White Trash” is a flawed lawyer who gives his young son some crummy advice.

“Most people present the portrait that the parents are wise,” Addis said with a chuckle. “The worst advice you get in the film is from the parents, how you might have to do an immoral act to get ahead and what are the pros and cons of that.”

Addis, who took over a town in southern Illinois in the summer of 1999 for his 25-day shoot, had fond memories of himself and his actors hanging out with the townies to soak up the local color. He recalled one man in particular who approached him.

Addis said, imitating the man’s regional twang, “‘I heard that you were a Jew.’ I thought to myself, ‘Uh-oh,’ and then he said, ‘Would you like to go to temple with us?'”

Michael Addis grew up in Skokie, Ill., where he lived until he was 8. His family wound up in San Diego, where Addis attended university.

“I wasn’t an extraordinary student,” said the San Diego State philosophy major, who also tackled journalism for the school paper and played in a funk band.

While Addis bows down at the comedy shrine of Albert Brooks and Mel Brooks, it was, in fact, another Brooks who had a more direct influence on him.

“Early in my career, I met with James Brooks,” said Addis. “I was inspired to write a script after I had talked with him.”

Everything about Addis is unorthodox, including how his interest in directing began and how “Poor White Trash” came about.

“I was working as a cashier in Price Club. I was a horrible cashier. They wanted to fire me,” said Addis. But instead, they assigned him to do a series of videos on workplace injuries. The films caught the eye of the corporate office. Soon Addis was in charge of instructing the employees of all Price Club stores nationwide.

Believe it or not, Addis didn’t meet Tony Urban, the rural Pennsylvania man whom came up with the story for “Poor White Trash,”face to face until shooting began. In fact, the pair met and collaborated on the whole project online.

“I said, this is an interesting story. Let’s write it,” said Addis. “I ended up doing the final draft. I like being able to work with people with good ideas.”

Ultimately, the appeal of “Poor White Trash” was very simple for the up-and-coming filmmaker.”On shows like ‘Dallas’ and ‘Dynasty’ or any of these shows where we see the lifestyles of the rich, we’re fascinated by that,” said Addis. “I’m was more interested in seeing the drama of the poor, the soap opera in their lives.”

Addis defended the use of the poor-white-trash stereotype as pretty loose and tongue-in-cheek. “The movie’s not against poor white trash. It’s like saying ‘Les Miserables’ is insulting to poor French people,” said Addis. “I grew up in a poor-white-trash area. There were a lot of poor Jews there too.”It’s sort of a stereotype to thinks of the well-off Jew,” he continued. “The idea of like white-trash Jews is actually really funny to me.”

Perhaps the fact that Addis himself once had to live out of his car has made him adverse to all kinds of stereotyping.

“People think it’s easier being a Jew in the entertainment world,” said Addis. “In reality, people say we don’t need another male Jew perspective.”

“Poor White Trash” opens in limited release on Dec. 1. For more information, go to poorwhitetrashmovie.com

Addis in Wonderland Read More »

Beyond Ordinary

Leave a Comment / Travel, United States /

The Silverado Trail, a picturesque highway that winds its way through the Napa Valley, isn’t exactly where you’d expect to find someone staking his claim to Jewish identity.
But for Ernie Weir, this is home base.

Weir is owner and winemaker of Hagafen Cellars, one of California’s three kosher wineries that exist in an industry dominated by hundreds of non-kosher wineries.

From all appearances, Hagafen, headquartered in a small yellow building at the end of a gravel driveway and bordered by vineyards on either side, could be any other Napa Valley winery — except for the mezuzah on the doorpost, the first clue to the Jewish nature of the enterprise.

As Weir told me, it was a need to express his Jewishness that led him to make kosher wines. But beyond the leitmotif of Jewish identity there lies a more practical side.

“To this day,” he said, “I’m respectful of the religious nature of it, but it’s not my intent. My intent is to make a product which can be enjoyed by as many people as possible.”
Weir’s approach also reflects the view of Baron Herzog and Gan Eden, California’s two other kosher wineries, that if you want to make it in this business, you must reach out beyond the rather limited Jewish market.

And today, of course, there is nothing to prevent winemakers from achieving this goal — now that kosher wine has thrown off its screw-cap identity to join the mainstream world of sophisticated varietals.
Weir, who worked for Domaine Chandon after graduating from the University of California at Davis wine department, prides himself on producing what he terms “ultra-premium” Napa Valley varietals, specializing in reds like Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot and Pinot Noir.

He owns about 12 acres of Cabernet Sauvignon and Cabernet Franc grapes, buying Chardonnay, White Riesling, Syrah and Pinot Noir from vineyards where he can exercise quality control. In 2001, Hagafen will introduce its first Sauvignon Blanc and Syrah.

Hagafen’s total output is about 7,000 cases a year.

Since Weir is without his own production facilities, he makes use of other wineries, rendering them acceptable for kosher production by high-temperature water purification of the equipment. Soon, however, he will complete a new winery and tasting room on his own property.

During my visit, I tasted Hagafen’s 1997 oak-aged Merlot, a varietal enhanced with 5 percent Cabernet Franc that was named Best of Class and Best of Region at a recent California State Fair Competition. The wine had very soft tannins with layers of cherry and plum.

Hagafen’s wines have reached the White House for kosher state dinners. Its best sales, Weir noted, come from “very knowledgeable, very sophisticated” consumers on the West and East coasts.

While Hagafen’s origins are Napa Valley, it’s a different story for Baron Herzog and Weinstock, both made by New York-based Royal Wine Corporation, the largest producer of kosher varietals in the United States.

The Herzog family reaches back to 19th-century Czechoslovakia, when it was the exclusive wine supplier to Emperor Franz Joseph. Royal Wine purchased Weinstock Cellars in 1994.

Royal draws on long-term relationships with growers in a number of California regions, including Napa Valley, the Russian River, Sonoma, Clarksburg, Alexander Valley and Monterey County.

From its winery in Santa Maria, Calif., the company is making a concerted effort to promote new international varietals as an alternative to traditional sweet wines.

Royal’s winemaker, Peter Stern, is an international wine consultant with credits at Robert Mondavi who has also advised Israel’s Golan Heights Winery since its inception.

From all appearances, including his name and his pathfinding work in kosher wines, it would appear that Stern is Jewish. He is not.

“The kosher market,” said Stern, “is basically going through the same kind of evolution that you saw in the 1950s, when the consumer was not familiar with varietal wines.”

Baron Herzog, producing well over 100,000 cases a year, is arguably one of the few American wineries to really succeed with Chenin Blanc.

With aromas of peach and nectarine, this Baron Herzog wine — a Double Gold Sweepstakes winner at the 1998-99 West Coast Wine Competition — is made from prized Clarksburg-area grapes grown near the Sacramento River, where days are warm and nights can be refreshingly cool, thanks to delta breezes that blow in from San Francisco Bay.

Like Hagafen and Gan Eden, Royal targets a broad market: a quarter of Baron Herzog and Weinstock consumers are not Jewish.

Meanwhile, the story of the Gan Eden Winery, located amidst the apple orchards and small towns of Sonoma County’s Green Valley, reflects the religious odyssey of owner-winemaker Craig Winchell.
“So how many winery employees are there?” Winchell asked rhetorically. “Only one, myself!”
When he graduated from UC Davis with a degree in fermentation science, Winchell had no plans to produce kosher wines. He would, he thought, simply go to work in the mainstream wine industry.
But something else was happening in his life: he had embarked on a rediscovery of his Jewish roots and was becoming an Orthodox Jew.

What happened next was the marriage of two worlds: Winchell would make wine that was kosher and pursue a Jewish way of life. But from a distribution standpoint, he would target the broader market.
“The creation of this winery,” he explained, “was a direct result of my desire to live a Jewish life, rather than a desire to target the Jewish market.”

I found Gan Eden’s Cabernet full-flavored and delightfully robust, while its Late Harvest Monterey County Gewurtztraminer is full of luscious pineapple and grapefruit flavors.

The winery also makes a wonderful Black Muscat — the perfect companion to bittersweet chocolate — that has been featured at James Beard House “great chefs” dinners.

In 1999, Winchell produced 15,000 bottles of wine, which he said is pushing his limit for a one-man operation.

What makes all of these California varietals kosher is the fact that they are produced — that is, handled during production — by Sabbath-observant Jews. However, according to kosher winemaking standards, overall winemaking direction may come from non-Jews.

But that’s not the end of the story by any means. At kosher events, non-Jews may not be involved in serving kosher wine — a prohibition said to relate to a time when wine was used in pagan rituals.
How to get around this prohibition?

Drawing on an ancient Jewish formulation of boiling wine to alter its nature, kosher wine can be flash pasteurized by a process known in Hebrew as mevushal, thus permitting non-Jews to serve it at kosher functions. Herzog, Weinstock and Hagafen are all mevushal wines.

Flash pasteurization is a complex issue.

Some winemakers hold that the process can actually enhance a wine’s flavor, but others point to unpredictable changes to the wine’s sensory characteristics.

Gan Eden’s Winchell stays away from producing mevushal wines, although with a recent surplus of Chardonnay grapes, he introduced a new cuvee called “C’est Bouilli!” — French for “It’s Boiled!”
“I normally don’t make mevushal wine,” said Winchell, “and the lack of predictability is the principle reason. However, if done carefully, while it will always produce changes, they need not be detrimental changes.”

For example, it’s quite possible by making a wine mevushal to tone down one flavor characteristic and bring out another, as with Grenache over blackberry.

And a 1993 study conducted at UC Davis on pasteurization of young red wine found no significant effect on quality.

All of these issues aside, however, one thing is abundantly clear: significant progress has taken place in the kosher wine world.

Thanks to the trio of pathfinding winemakers, kosher California wines can now illuminate the finest table — and turn an ordinary meal into a banquet.

Beyond Ordinary Read More »

Eyes Wide Shut

Leave a Comment / Torah /

Why did God create us with two eyes? A Chassidic master once asked this question. His answer: One eye is for looking out — to observe the world, other people, nature — so that we might observe what is good and cleave to it, and what is evil and avoid it. The second eye, he taught, is for looking inward — for gazing at ourselves, our behavior and our motivations.

But what if you lose both of those eyes? That is the lesson of Isaac, Abraham’s son, himself the father of twin sons — Jacob and Esau. The Torah describes the family’s tensions, full of deceit, dysfunction and, ultimately, disintegration. At the locus of it all is the blindness of Isaac.

“Isaac’s eyes were too dim to see,” the text tells us. Clearly a significant detail, it is much more than a mere plot device. Interpreters in every generation have wrestled with the import of that sentence. They have asked the logical question: How and when does Isaac become blind?

Rabbinic legend suggests that Isaac’s loss of eyesight results from one of his many traumatic experiences. One midrash (rabbinic teaching) offers that Isaac is blinded by the smoke emanating from the idolatrous practices committed by those around him. Another suggests that earlier in life, when he is bound to the altar as an almost-sacrifice (Genesis 22), Isaac’s plight so saddens the angels that they weep before God, and those tears then fall into Isaac’s eyes and cause his blindness later in life. Either way, his poor vision is understood as being caused by something outside of himself.

But perhaps there is an alternative interpretation. Perhaps, rather, Isaac’s is a self-inflicted sightlessness. Maybe he can’t stand to see all the disintegration, the fighting, the infliction of pain going on all around him. Instead of stepping into the sun to confront, Isaac retreats into full-time darkness, obscurity and helplessness.

“His eyes were too dim to see.” Of course, Isaac’s is not just a physical darkness. His is equally a spiritual blindness. He chooses not to “see” — not to engage, not to encounter, not to try to comprehend — the inner workings of his heart and spirit.

We, too, blind ourselves all the time. We choose not to see what others are really about, because the vision might be debilitating. We wear blinders with parents, children, friends, colleagues. And when it comes to gazing within, we skillfully wrap our feelings in a shroud of darkness.

But perhaps, sometimes, that’s not such a terrible thing. Perhaps occasional blindness leads to greater vision. The Talmud has a term for blindness: sagei nahor (full of light). How could this be? How can one who cannot see be considered filled with light? Isn’t blindness a state of continual darkness?

Jewish tradition has us dim our own eyes every day. As we recite the “Shema,” our declaration to ourselves and others that God is one, we close or cover our eyes. For those brief moments, we become blind. And then we acknowledge God’s presence in the world.

One eye is to gaze at the world out there, the other to carefully examine the self. And sometimes, both must be intentionally closed, so that we might see the divine presence in the world. And then, upon opening them again, we encounter the visions before us with eyes wide open.

Shawn Fields-Meyer is rabbi of Congregation Etz Hadar in Redlands and instructor of liturgy at the Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies at the University of Judaism.

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The Ten Most Important Things to Teach Your Child

Leave a Comment / Family, Kids & Teens /

“Parenting is the scariest job I have ever had,” a father told me last month as he stood proudly watching his child participate in the “Moving On” ceremony of my synagogue’s Early Childhood Center. “With little or no preparation at all, you are thrown headfirst into the role of mentor, guide, teacher, doctor and expert on how everything in the world works. My kid expects me to answer questions on theology and where the world came from, and just about everything else from “Why is the sky blue?” to “Daddy, where exactly does the water go when I flush the toilet?”

As I listened to his lament, I realized it’s little wonder that so many parents experience emotions ranging from permanent low-grade anxiety to out-and-out panic, considering how many feel ill-equipped to identify and teach their children the key values that give life meaning. That’s why I wasn’t surprised when the very next day a mom came into my study and asked what I thought were the most important things that she ought to be teaching her child. So, as we prepare for the start of another school year with yet another opportunity for parents to serve as the primary ethical role models for their children, I offer you the list I shared with her of the 10 most important things to teach your child. These are the most important values that I want to pass on to my daughter.

First, I believe that the ultimate challenge of raising ethical children is to teach them a sense of personal responsibility for the quality of life on our planet, the well-being of society and ultimately the fate of humanity itself. I want my daughter to experience her life as fundamentally connected to the lives of all people — beginning with her family, extending to friends and peers at school and ultimately to people everywhere simply because they share a common humanity.

I want to instill within my daughter an absolute certainty that what she says, what she does and who she is really matters. It is to give concrete expression to the traditional Jewish idea that every human being is created b’tzelem elohim (in the image of God). If all parents were to take this spiritual idea seriously and communicate it passionately to their children, this alone would transform our society.

Imagine a generation of kids growing up convinced that their job in life is to be co-partners with God in bringing more holiness, more joy, and more blessings into the world. That’s what it means to know that your words and your actions and your very presence in the world can truly matter.

Second, I want to teach my child that the most important word in the English language is attitude. The power of attitude is one of the greatest powers on earth. It is the ability to choose the quality of your life regardless of its circumstances.

When Jesse, a world-class teenage surfer in my congregation, had a tragic accident that left him paralyzed from the chest down, his life could have been over. Instead, only a few years later he sky-dives, jet-skis, is back on a surfboard, is going to college to become a motivational speaker, has started several businesses, has created a relationship with Christopher Reeve and is raising money for spinal cord research, has had several TV specials dedicated to his remarkable, indomitable spirit and serves as an inspiration to every single person he meets. That is the power of attitude.

I want my child to know that this is what the Torah means in Deuteronomy when it says, “See, I put before you good and evil, life and death, the blessing and the curse; therefore choose life.” Every day is an opportunity to choose life and know that the quality of our lives is a direct result of the quality of our choices and the attitude we bring to every experience.

Third, I want my daughter to know that her most precious possession is her integrity, the quality that inspires people to trust you, to know that your “yes” is yes and your “no” is no. It is the fundamental value that underlies every transaction between human beings, whether it’s a handshake or a signed contract. It is the quality that inspires others to put their trust in you, whether it is to baby-sit their children, sell their product or run their company.

Behavior that reflects integrity is found in the simple gestures, casual remarks, and almost unconscious acts of kindness or concern that reflect a fundamental ethical attitude toward family members, friends and even strangers. The most important way you teach integrity to your children is simply by keeping your word. Period. When you tell your child you will be home at a certain time, be there. And when you make a commitment to do something with them, do it.

Fourth is that faith can see you through the darkest hour. I want my daughter to grow up with faith in the world, faith in the power of the godliness that pervades our universe, faith that life has meaning and that she has the opportunity, the ability and the challenge to find that meaning for herself. When life is difficult and we experience pain, frustration or loss, I want my daughter to have the wellsprings of faith to fall back on as our people have for thousands of years. Your job as a parent is to provide your children with enough emotional security as they grow so they experience a fundamental faith in God as that transcendent power that animates life and works through human beings to bring goodness, joy and love into the world.

My fifth value is found in the Talmud, where it says, “The highest wisdom is kindness. It is the quality the rabbis call g’milut chasadim (acts of loving kindness). I want my daughter to treat people with simple kindness, not as a “random act,” but with a sense of mitzvah (religious obligation). I want her to know that deep down, people have the same longings, the same dreams, the same needs for purpose and meaning in life, and that treating others with kindness is perhaps the single most powerful way to validate the common humanity of all. As a parent, each time you demonstrate kindness to strangers, the people who serve or work for you, or family and friends, you are teaching kindness to your own child in the most profound way possible.

Sixth, there is no challenge so great that it can withstand relentless persistence. When you study the literature of success in virtually any field, the single most consistent quality that all successful people share is the quality of persistence. It is more important than talent, money, resources, intelligence or any other single quality. I want my daughter to know that the difference between success and failure is often the difference between being persistent and quitting. We waited 400 years to go free from the slavery of Egypt and then 40 more years to get to the Promised Land. If we hadn’t had the persistence to keep putting one foot in front of the other until we finally crossed the Jordan, we might still be wandering somewhere in the Sinai, and all that the Jewish people have given the world might never have happened.

Seventh, courage isn’t the absence of fear, it is feeling the fear and acting anyway. All of us have moments of doubt, moments of fear, moments when we don’t know if we can do something or be successful. If we let our fears overcome us and we wait until there is absolutely no fear before we act, we would never act at all. I want my daughter to know that everyone experiences fear. The 23rd Psalm is so moving because we all walk through the same shadowed valleys. Courage is found in the ability to feel the fear and walk into the valley anyway. It is found in the famous midrash that when our ancestors stood at the shore of the Red Sea and the Egyptian army was bearing down on them from behind, every one of them was stricken with terror.

According to the midrash, no matter what Moses did, the sea wouldn’t part until one man, Nachshon, was willing to step into the sea, despite his fear. With that step the sea parted and the children of Israel went free. I want my daughter to see herself as Nachshon — willing to take the first step in spite of her fears, with faith that by acting one step at a time, her fears will be conquered and success in life achieved.

Lesson number eight is that the most powerful force in the world is love.

When the Torah teaches, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” it means first love yourself, and then you will be able to love your neighbor. The Talmud even suggests that God has 70 names, and one of them is “love.” You teach love by giving love, pure and simple. You demonstrate to your child every day that you love her simply because of who she is, not because of anything she has to do. Unconditional love is not the same as uncritical acceptance of all behavior. You love your child because of her inherent worth and value as a divine human being, and you correct destructive and inappropriate behavior as well. By giving your child unconditional love, you teach her the power of love to validate the worth of another, and give her the emotional tools both to give love and experience love for the rest of her life.

Ninth, I taught my daughter when in doubt to ask herself, “If everyone acted as I am about to do, what kind of world will I have created?” By asking this question as a self-challenge, it reminds her that what she does matters, that how she acts has an impact on the quality of our society, that everything she does becomes a role model for others and that she has the choice to act in such a way that if everyone emulates her, the world will have more love, more compassion, more justice, more caring, more kindness, more holiness than before.

Finally, number 10 is the old Jewish aphorism, “Pray as if everything depended upon God, and act as if everything depended upon you.” I want her to engage in prayer and ritual on a regular basis and establish habits that will nourish her soul throughout her life. And I want her to recognize that the way God acts in the world is through human beings. I want her to say, “These are God’s hands, these are God’s eyes, this is God’s mouth.” To know when she sees a homeless family on the street it is not enough to pray, “Dear God, please help this family,” because the way God helps that family is by human beings acting so that they are helped. When we build homeless shelters, that is how God helps the homeless. When we give food to Sova, that is how God feeds the hungry. When we donate clothing to Chrysalis or Ocean Park Community Center, that is how God clothes the naked.

I hope you’ll consider writing down this list of the 10 most important things to teach your child and putting it on your refrigerator so that you and your children see it every day. It is a simple yet powerful way for both of you to remember that every day is a gift filled with opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others.

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The 700 Habits of Highly Defective Parents

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“Carpool Tunnel Syndrome: Motherhood as Shuttle Diplomacy” (Heaven Ink Publishing, $12.95) is the first book by longtime Jewish Journal contributing writer Judy Gruen. In it, Pico-Robertson resident Gruen examines the pain, inconvenience, stress and heartache of parenthood, laughing all the way. As the following excerpt shows, Gruen succeeds in becoming an Erma Bombeck for the New Millenium. Woman’s Day magazine will feature the book in its February issue, and the title chapter has been selected for inclusion in the next edition of “Mirth of a Nation,” a collection of the best of contemporary American humor (Perennial, 2002).

Not sure about your skills as a mom? No sweat! Just go to any bookstore or troll the online aisles of a dot-com bookseller, and you are sure to find a title tailored specifically for you. And I do mean specifically. In fact, on a recent book-buying junket, I found so many titles dealing with the most picayune child-rearing concerns, I am certain that those publishers must have cut a sweet deal with bookshelf manufacturers.

Gone are the days when responsible parents could get all the child-rearing wisdom they needed from Dr. Spock’s “Baby and Child Care” and the occasional coffee-klatch with another parent or a clergyman. Now, even pregnancy books are specialized, with titles such as, “What to Eat During Your Fourth Month of Pregnancy”; “Feng Shui, Baby and Me”; and a 450-page book titled “Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Conception to Sixteen Weeks Gestation.”

The publisher is no doubt rushing the sequel to market now, so as not to leave expectant mothers in their fifth month or later hanging in suspense.

Child guidance experts have kept themselves plenty busy penning books to help parents deal with every eventuality. Although I had gone in search of some general parenting tips, no such thing exists anymore. I had no idea that today’s parents needed so much advice until I saw what was out there. Some of the more remarkable titles I found include: “Raising Your Brave, Kind Yet Explosively Tempered Child”; “I Hate You Mom, but Can You Drive Me to the Movies?”; “Raising Your Right-Brained Child in a Pacific Standard Time Zone”; “Don’t Be Afraid to Discipline Your Hyperactive, Lactose-Intolerant Child”; “The Secret Emotional Life of Your Pet Gerbil”; and “Who Moved My Cheez-Whiz? Strategies for Junk-Food-Addicted Parents.”

These days, the topic of mothers and sons is hotter than jalapeño pepper salsa. Dozens of books instruct us to hug our sons more to make them into masculine, yet sensitive men. We should support their innate masculinity, the books say. We should support their emotional fragility. We should acknowledge how hard it is to be a boy in this society where gender issues have become so complex. This is all true. But in addition, I think we should also do something even more fundamental for our boys: put up a basketball hoop in the backyard, buy them a slushie at least once a week at the local mini-mart, and don’t make them shower more than three times a week.

Personally, I already have a whole slew of child-rearing titles at home. I have even read some of them and attempted a few of the strategies. Despite this, none of my children has ever been removed from my custody by the authorities. But then again, the books on my shelf were not targeted to my particular situations. If they had been, I surely would have read titles such as “Healthy Menus for Kids Who Eat Only Raw Noodles and Ketchup” and “How to Rear Children Who Know Infinitely More Than You Do.”

That’s the real tar baby in this whole child-rearing literature racket. No matter how much the authors tailor their work to specific kinds of kids, the gambits never quite work for you.

“I’m never buying another child-development book again,” huffed my friend Mary when we spoke about the issue. “Sure, the methods always work great on paper and with someone else’s kids, but when I try them at home, the kids just look at me funny and ask, ‘Are you trying to improve our family life again?’ I’ve had enough advice.”

I know what Mary means. Many times I’ve run out to buy books that my friends said were “must-reads.” These have included “Raising Boys to Lower the Toilet Seat” and “1,002 Ways to Get Your Daughter Off the Phone.” This niche marketing is pretty clever, since many of the titles fairly scream out for sequels. So, one shelf in the bookstore where I shopped began with the book, “What Your Sixth-Grader Must Know,” which burgeoned into a series focused on every grade from graduate school all the way down to “What Every Six-Week Fetus Needs to Know.”

We already live in a world of information overload. I want my advice simple and straightforward. But many of these advice books are chock-full of charts and gimmicks that you’ve got to individualize for each kid. Housework charts, good-behavior charts, homework charts, healthy-eating charts. There were so many graphs and charts in one opus that I thought I was reading an actuarial table.

I’ve also attended numerous lectures on how to raise good children. I usually sit up front, afraid to miss any choice suggestions. One time the speaker was a young mother and educator, who told us that some of her best advice had come from a renowned educator who had raised eight kids successfully.

According to widely circulated reports, all were credits to the human race. How had he done it? the speaker had asked him one day. He looked at her a moment, not saying anything, then just shrugged his shoulders and began to walk away.

“Wait! You didn’t answer my question!” the woman persisted. “You’ve got valuable information that the world needs! Can’t you tell me something about your method for raising great children? What did you and your wife do? Or what didn’t you do?”

Again he shrugged his response, though in a very philosophical pose, and again she doggedly pursued him. Finally, seeing that he couldn’t escape the grilling, he said, “Just don’t get personally involved.”

As she related this story, we were all slack-jawed. While everyone and their brother-in-law insist that we parents must be intricately involved with every facet of our children’s lives, along comes this guy with a bunch of well-adjusted kids all grown up and the sum total of his advice is basically, “hands off.” She said that this had come as an extraordinary revelation to her, and that she had co-opted this philosophy successfully. (This didn’t include the time, however, that one of her youngsters had decided to shear all her siblings’ hair with a manicure scissors.)

I considered this new aloof parenting tactic. Get some emotional distance from the kids. Yes, that just might be the ticket. But this didn’t work either, as I quickly learned at home.

“MOMMY! He called me STUPID!”

I would not get embroiled this time. I would not get personally involved. I continued to slice vegetables for soup. For no particular reason, I began humming Brahms’ Hungarian Dance No. 5 in G Minor.
“DID YOU HEAR ME, MOMMY?” my daughter repeated, fortissimo. This is a girl who specialized in living in a state of perpetual outrage.

“Oh, did you say something, darling? Well, of course you’re not stupid, so just ignore it.”

I thought this was brilliant. Yes, this would work. Stay calm, above the fray. However, my daughter began to have what we politely call a meltdown due to my callous indifference, thwarting my efforts to remain parentally detached. Well, I would try it with the boys, I told myself as I reverted to my old, sympathetic parenting style.

In my career as a mother, I’ve tried more child-rearing schemes than I have dinner recipes. I’ve “reflected” my children’s feelings back to them to encourage communication. This worked beautifully on some kids, and, buoyed by my triumph, I tried it on another. That’s when my winning streak ended. When I “reflected” back to this child, he cocked his head slightly and inquired, “You feeling okay, Mom?”

I’ve drawn up “star charts” to encourage good behavior. These never worked for me, either, since my kids would often sneak into the room where I kept the charts and fill in entire rows with stars, “proving” that they had earned the grand prize of a trip to the toy store.

When I had exhausted my pool of “positive” approaches, I tried to restore order in the family with a tough-love approach. I’ve tried ignoring fights, mediating fights, and putting myself in time-out. I suppose I should have read “Wednesdays with Winston,” about a kindly old man who came over each week to babysit and share his philosophy of life while the mother made a beeline out of the house for a few hours by herself.

Sometimes, I end up sounding more like a bad television cop show than any sage child-rearing tome when I’m trying to discipline my kids. Running to a room where the kids have come to blows, I have actually said, “Don’t anybody move! Just put your hands up and no one gets hurt!”

And so, when they insist on reenacting scenes from “America’s Most Wanted,” I end up as (who else?) Judge Judy, enforcing “the long arm of the Ma.” I need to do this when my sons decide the only thing they can think of to put off their homework any longer is to take turns putting their sister in a full headlock and then ricocheting around the house with invisible “Star Wars” weaponry, speaking Jedi. Of course, it is only fun to do this in the one room in the house where I have dared to display breakable objects.

At times like these, I don’t run for the child-rearing books. Who has time to reference the chapter on Testosterone Poisoning in the Home? Instead, I go into June Cleaver mode: “I’m going to tell your father about this!” I warn the great unwashed, who suddenly recover their hearing. (Happily, I remember not to call my husband “Ward” when he comes home. And I neglect to wear pearls when I vacuum.)

I’m not surprised that military academies sprang up before our nation was assaulted with this avalanche of parenting advice. In fact, watching boys at “play” I understand the entire concept of the military in a way I never could when I was young and pasted bumper stickers on my car that said, “One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.” Now I realize that boys need structure, lots of it, and who better to dole it out than men wearing uniforms with ammunition belts?

This may also explain the slew of books all about boys, none of which I have bothered to read. First of all, I’d need a different book for each son, since the books are so specific. Maybe, if those New Age baby name books had been published back when I was shopping for names, it would have been easier. One such book I saw encouraged parents to bestow names with cultural and symbolic meaning. These names might also instill wonderful, peaceful personal qualities and traits in the child, according to the book’s rhapsodic authors. To accomplish this, parents are instructed to take names, or parts of names, from Swahili, Nibaw and the Ibo languages, among others, to create a conceptually beautiful yet gender-neutral name. But it’s too late to start calling my kids Oriba Alka, or Kamata, or even Montel.

For my money, the most relevant book I saw in the bookstore that day was “The 700 Habits of Highly Defective Parents.” This book, at least, seemed to offer something for everyone.

Judy Gruen will be singing her book on Dec. 12 at the AMIT Chanukah Boutique, a benefit for the children of AMIT, 2 p.m.-8 p.m. at 313 S. Clark Drive in Beverly Hills.

Excerpted with permission from “Carpool Tunnel Syndrome: Motherhood as Shuttle Diplomacy” by Judy Gruen. To order, call toll-free: (866) 836-2444.

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