Political incorrectness

Years ago I was a guest on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” I had suggested the topic “Ethnic Men Who Reject Their Own Women.” Things haven’t changed much since then.

I saw the film “Barney’s Version” recently and had a discomfiting feeling of déjà vu. Barney Panofsky is tortured by two grotesque Jewish wives. One is a cruel, man-eating psychopath, and the other is a shrill, vulgar princess. Had I not seen this before? Like maybe a thousand times?

From Philip Roth to Neil Simon to Jackie Mason — all of whom make me laugh, I must admit — we’ve been bombarded with caricatures of Jewish women. I’m just grateful that no one has yet produced “The Real Housewives of Tel Aviv,” but we’ve still got the spoiled shopaholic, the monster mother, and the frigid wife who hates sex and can’t cook. 

Not fair, and not true. I love sex (at least I did until I got TiVo) and I can cook very well, thank you. I just prefer not to. I would pay extra for a house without a kitchen. But most of my Jewish girlfriends love to feed people and they do it with style and over-abundance. You may leave a Jewish home with a headache, but you do not leave it hungry.

In the 21st century, we have made some progress on other fronts: Gay-bashing is wrong, the N word is loathsome, and we don’t make fun of little people. I even heard a German woman complaining that they shouldn’t make movies about the Holocaust because it puts her country in a bad light. So now we can’t even make fun of Nazis — one of my favorite pastimes. But the obnoxious Jewish woman is alive and well in movies, TV and shlocky stand-up. 

This bias has affected my professional life. My agent submitted me for a movie, but the director — whose name was something like Shlomansky — wouldn’t see me because he felt I was too Jewish. This was for the role of a rabbi. He was only seeing gentile actresses because — as he put it — he wanted to be sure that the character was likable. 

Another time, I heard that a director I’ve worked for in the past — whose name is something like Lefkowitz — is looking for an “Annie Korzen type.” Well, I figured this is a sure thing, and I went in and auditioned. I did not get the job. They hired a perky little blonde. I am too Jewish to play myself!

I wish these guys who have such contempt for Jewish women could have been my recent travel companions. I’ve been on a 12-city tour of book festivals sponsored by the Jewish Book Council. Most of the festivals were organized by women, many of them volunteers. The audiences were also largely female. I came into contact with hundreds of women who were bright, warm and hospitable. They believe in education, compassion and community service. They like to travel, eat well, bargain-shop and share a laugh. In other words, they’re perfect: just like me, only nicer.

I was chatting with the financial officer of one suburban Jewish community center, who happens to be Irish Catholic. She told me that every day she looks forward to coming to work. She feels privileged to be part of a loving family of dedicated women who strive to make their little corner of the universe a better place. She says she has the best job in the world, and I think she might be right.

So that’s Annie’s version. In “Barney’s Version,” the hero does finally find true love. She is played by the lovely British actress Rosamund Pike. When she first appeared, I figured it was yet another one of those “The Shmuck and the Shiksa” movies where I always wonder why the classy, beautiful WASP would choose to share her life — let alone her bed — with the boorish, infantile slob. I am not classy, or beautiful, or gentile, but even I wouldn’t settle for one of those fools. Surely she could do better. 

Actually, in the Mordecai Richler novel that this movie is based upon, the love goddess’ name is Miriam Greenberg, and she’s a nice Jewish girl from the wrong side of the tracks. In the film, she is simply referred to as Miriam, and her ethnicity is — deliberately, I suspect — unclear. In any case, they hired a gentile actress. I guess they wanted to be sure that the character was likable.

Annie was Doris Klompus on SEINFELD, and is the author of BARGAIN JUNKIE: LIVING THE GOOD LIFE ON THE CHEAP.  www.AnnieKorzen.com.