The Hebrascope: Signs of the Jewdiac


(April 21-May 20)
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Barbra Streisand

During this birthday period, it makes sense to expect things to be all about you. Sadly, friends and family aren’t so sensitive to your needs. The trick is to divide your expectations in half and you’ll enjoy yourself twice as much. Family and friends aren’t trying to steal your thunder; they’re only human and thus likely to want some attention for themselves. Generally, the stars wouldn’t suggest tucking yourself into a protective cocoon for a little healing and rejuvenating. This week is different. Spend an afternoon in your own world, watching your own lame TV shows, reading magazines, eating popcorn in bed and generally isolating yourself from other people. You will emerge anew, with perhaps a few popcorn kernels in your hair, but otherwise refreshed.

(May 21 — June 20)
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Barry Levinson

Gemini loves to socialize on the job, especially now. The math goes something like this: One hour on a work project, 20 minutes discussing last night’s game in the break room, two hours in a meeting, half an hour debating whether or not the temp has been surgically enhanced. Here’s the thing, in order to ever make headway in terms of your career, you may have to keep your nose to the grindstone for awhile instead of in other people’s business or a particularly fascinating salon.com article. Self-employed Geminis should consider holding a social gathering, attending a trade show or throwing a gallery exhibit to expose your work to a wider audience.

(June 21-July 20)
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Sydney Pollack

All those big ideas floating around in your keppe just need a little faith, hope and cash. That’s easy for your horoscope to say, but perhaps hard to muster. The stars say otherwise, but advise you to think things through carefully before investing time and money. A burst of confidence and luck will galvanize your efforts, just be careful to ponder every possible outcome before taking any leaps. It may be tedious, but will certainly be useful. Saturday, a casual lunch with friends or family may reach “My Dinner With Andre” proportions. Expect stimulating conversations and don’t cram too many plans into your day so that you can fully enjoy the interaction without having to check your watch.

(July 21 — August 21)

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Monica Lewinsky

If there’s a burst in the real estate bubble, that doesn’t matter much to Leo right now. An investment in a first home or condo is advised, according to celestial influences. Leos who already own property might think about doing some improvements this week. As for long time homeowners, it’s been years of looking at that monthly mortgage like it’s the boogeyman, scrimping and saving and being conscientious of every little splurge. Finally, the end is in sight as that home may be almost paid off. Look for socializing to ramp up from May 3-29, when Venus (the planet of love) visits impulsive Aries in your ninth house of ideas. You will not only be attracted to new people, but to new ideas.

(August 22-September 22)
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Adam Sandler

Traveling, or even just a rough daily commute, is beginning to wear on you, grinding you down both spiritually and physically. This is a good time to find a workout buddy. You are far less likely to miss that personal training session if it’s also a fun hour of chatting and even good-natured whining about your evil trainer and her evil squats. What’s more, if you’ve pre-paid, the guilt factor will also provide an incentive to get you to the gym, yoga studio or duo Pilates session. Think about it. What better way to counteract the stress of being trapped on planes or in automobiles than by simply moving your body? Strengthen a friendship while you strengthen your muscles and make even better use of your time.

(September 23-October 22)
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Michael Douglas

Partnerships are big for Libra this week. Whether it’s a professional partnership that’s moving ahead, or the announcement of an engagement or even an impending cohabitation, the stars have your back if you are teaming up in any significant way. Collaboration is favored up until May 29. Tuesday, some confusion could arise involving a love affair. It may feel lasting and permanent, but your horoscope says this small romantic blip will be all cleared up by Wednesday.

(October 23-November 22)
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Jonas Salk

People like people who like them. It’s such a simple concept that Dale Carnegie would be rolling his eyes. Still, it’s something we often forget. This week, folks will be looking to you for validation and approval. It doesn’t take much, like the old saying goes, a handful of peanuts and a pat on the back. It costs you nothing to shell out a few compliments to those around you who look up to you, and in the end it creates much good will. A meaningful conversation could mark the end of this week, as could especially poignant interactions with those in your circle who are younger than you are.

(November 23-December 20)
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Harpo Marx

Heads up to the Sagittarius worker: you will be walking into what feels like an ambush at work. Be armed with patience and flexibility. Check all your facts and figures when it comes to paperwork. Employ all of your teamwork skills and be ready to tackle tasks using creativity. By midweek, things will cool off at work just in time for a romantic slump to come to an end, as Venus moves into Aries on Wednesday. Pay special attention to your hygiene, floss, wax, get those roots done, bleach the moustache, trim the bangs and don’t be afraid to splurge on at least one big luxury item. Don’t feel guilty about buying yourself something you’ve been wanting. Your horoscope says it’s OK.

(December 21-January 19)
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Dave Attell

Envy and irritability — they aren’t your friends but they seem to be tagging along everywhere you go this week, leading to feelings of frustration. Instead of plotting your revenge on the people who are annoying you the most, dig down deep for some compassion. At the very least, lay low and avoid any altercations you may regret later. A partner or family member may seem indifferent to practical matters that concern you. Instead of presenting a lecture complete with PowerPoint presentation on all of the flaws in their thinking (or lack thereof), remember that the quality of this relationship is more important to you than being right.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
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Ted Koppell

It may be tempting to jump into a new relationship, as passion intensifies this week. Try to slow your pace and protect any financial assets. You may not be Trump with a pre-nuptial agreement the size of “War and Peace,” but we can all be taken advantage of when our heart is in charge. Look forward to community celebration midweek. Also, you may feel overwhelmed now just thinking of all your friends and family scattered throughout the world. How do you keep in touch? Dedicate at least an hour this week and roll some calls. Once you get in the habit of keeping in touch, it will seem less daunting and ultimately rewarding.

(February 19-March 20)
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Josh Groban

This week opens like a scene from “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” There may be lots of shouting and betrayal. The whole situations will be high drama with plenty of unnerving interactions. The resolution of this drama could be ruthless, but it will at least be swift, coming to a resolution by midweek, when uplifting astrological patterns are in your favor. Relatives and friends support you, spontaneous outbursts of fun attract you, and you may even be in for a streak of luck. Curious Pisces may wish to dabble in gossip, but you would do better to plan for an overseas trip that will satisfy your curiosity more deeply and with less trash talking.

(March 21-April 20)
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Matthew Broderick

It sounds like a conundrum, but it’s just crazy enough to work. Cooperate with others this week and you will stand out as an individual. Your ability to facilitate teamwork and put your own ego aside will be noticed and appreciated. The only bitter taste in your otherwise sweet week is an outstanding debt — either a credit card or mortgage payment that’s overdue and may cause stress with a partner or family member. Take care of the debt so that extra charges don’t start piling up — and know that financial freedom is on the horizon as an unexpected check is likely to come in just when you need it.

The Hebrascope: Signs of the Jewdiac


(January 20-February 18)

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Ted Koppell

Personal space isn’t something you can rent by the month. No, it’s something you have to carve out for yourself, or you may become overwhelmed by this week’s little stressors. Alone time is your friend this week. Speaking of friends, a co-worker may open your mind to a new idea in a conversation this week, which can only happen if you’re open to conversations with your co-workers and if you can truly listen (as opposed to thinking about what time “American Idol” comes on or who burned the microwave popcorn and stank up the break room). If you network for career reasons, you never know what the side benefits of socializing may be. Oh, and I hate to be a nudge, but single Aquarians should make sure any dates you have this week are truly single.

(February 19-March 20)

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Josh Groban

As a Pisces, you should know when something or someone is a tad “fishy.” Use your excellent instincts and intuition to glean the best potential mate for you. This week — and I’m going to state the obvious here — you really have to leave the house in order to meet someone. Unless you happen to have an especially attractive roommate or delivery person, make sure to get out and about so the universe can bring you The One — or at least the one for this week. As for Pisces in relationships, being around new people in new social situations (art gallery openings, fashion shows, plays, house parties) will make what’s old seem new again.

(March 21-April 20)

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William Shatner

From about midweek, your social life is going to go all Paris Hilton. Okay, Paris without the petty rivalries with teen starlets, bedazzled cell phone and ludicrously rich boyfriend. What I mean is, the invitations will be pouring in and you will be, even more than usual, popular among your peers. Enjoy it, but don’t ignore issues related to your long term health and stability. This is a good week to lace your social interactions with some thinking about the boring stuff: Is your car insurance paid? Do you need a dental plan? Union dues paid up? Are you ready for any upcoming property tax bills? Fun, good. Cavity without dental insurance, bad. This is a simple week for Aries – — enjoy this moment and plan for the next.

(April 21-May 20)

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Golda Meir

Sucking up to the boss takes on new dimensions this week. It’s not enough that your boss thinks you’re swell, her friends have to like you, too. Your reputation may be on the line this week, and it’s confusing when you don’t know whose tush you have to kiss. The answer is easy: smile at everyone, finish all of your tasks, keep your lunch hour to an actual hour (not an hour-plus Starbucks line time), wear the shirts that are fresh from the cleaners and make a good impression at all times. You never know whose watching and (frankly) judging. By the way, single Taurus should be prepared for what can only be described as a truly odd date this week.

(May 21-June 20)

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Mel Blanc

You could call it pheromones, you could call it “chemistry” you could get all clinical and refer to it as simple sexual attraction. Whatever you call it, that physical pull will yank you right into a new relationship this week. In a somewhat creepy and perhaps jarring transition– let’s talk about Gemini parents, for whom this is an important week. I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, but give of yourself this week in any way you can without spoiling the little ones. Gemini health alert: the weekend could be dicey — maybe some back pain, a scratchy throat. Take care of yourself and if that means spending a day in bed with microwave popcorn and ESPN, do it and don’t feel guilty.

(June 21-July 20)

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Marc Chagall

You’ve heard of a “tell” — a detectable change in a player’s behavior that gives clues to that player’s hand? Well, stay alert for tells and other signs of deception. I’m not talking about Washington lobbyist type large-scale deception, just minor bluffing that will surround you this week. Imagine yourself at the poker table of life. Your hand is decent. Your drink is still cold. You’ve got a nice stack of chips in front of you. Just keep your eye on the nonverbal clues given by the players around you. And always remember to tip your waitress and your horoscope writer. We’re working hard for you.

(July 21- August 21)

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Bernard Baruch

“Career Opportunity, the one that never knocks.” I just quoted The Clash. Not just because of how cool it makes me feel (though I can’t deny it does), but to convey that this week, career opportunities will be knock, knock, knocking on Leo’s door. Have a friend proofread that resume, send it all over town, call anyone you know that can help you land the job you covet, enlist in any courses your current employer now offers and classes outside of work. Planetary influences are on your side. So get on it and don’t “clash” with what the stars have in store. And with that pun, I lose all cred.

(August 22-September 22)

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Alan Dershowitz

Oops. Was that a lunch meeting you totally spaced? A stack of bills you forgot to slip in the mailbox? Do you even know where your day-planner is? It seems Virgo is a bit distracted, especially on Monday. For Virgos in love, the object of your affection is clouding some of your rational thinking, particularly for those of you in new relationships. No matter, by midweek you regain your cool. This is a good thing, because your ability to remain calm under pressure will be tested. You will be a clutch player at work with big romantic rewards if you happen to wake up early on Friday morning. That was cryptic, but you know what I mean.

(September 23-October 22)

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Walter Matthau

If you find yourself in the mood to visit one of those paint-it-yourself ceramics stores, you might think it’s the effect of some horrible strain of flu. No, it’s just the stars urging you to experiment with new creative pursuits. It gets better; the celestial influences for Libra suggest that putting time and effort into your creative life could actually yield financial rewards in the future. Does that mean the manuscript or screenplay half-done on some long lost computer file may be worth rehashing? Yes. And it will probably be ultimately less embarrassing than being seen at the ceramics store painting polka dots on an oversized mug. Even if you have to spend some money — guitar strings, new computer program, yarn and knitting needles — it’s worth it.

(October 23-November 22)

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Calvin Klein

At times, Scorpio can be overwhelmed by amorous urges (which I think might make a good perfume name and could certainly be marketed to Scorpios this week). The scent of Amorous Urges will be all around you, which could lead to fulfillment or disappointment. Satisfaction is one thing, finding a mensch when you’re so sensually driven is another. Scorpios in partnerships should schedule some good together time this week, which means routine chores — carrying in the huge jugs of delivered water or taking out the trash — can wait. Smells like a good week.

(November 23-December 20)

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Steven Spielberg

I truly hope you aren’t entangled in any legal activities, but if you are, this is your week to be victorious against “The Man” or anyone else. What’s more, the stars are giving you the equivalent of celestial Ginseng right now. Your memory is sharp and you have no trouble recalling facts, figures and statistics that not only help you dazzle at work, but impress in casual conversation. At the end of the week, avoid physical labor. While your mind is strong, your body may be a bit weak or injury prone. A sharp mind is not just a tool for learning, but also for figuring out how to get other people to do the heavy lifting.

(December 21-January 19)

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Dave Attell

This week opens with all the uplifting, syrupy sweetness of a Lifetime television movie. Things are so soft-focus and unrealistically wonderful, you can almost feel Melissa Gilbert’s presence. Try not to soar too high, but you can feel good about whatever you’ve overcome for your Lifetime moment. In the middle of the week, things level out and suddenly instead of watching a poignant tearjerker on Lifetime, it’s Lou Dobbs on your celestial screen. The time will come for some highly un-fun financial tinkering involving bills or records. Just get it over with so you can switch back to Melissa Gilbert and wait for the tacky music to swell.