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Rivka’s Special Need

When I asked Michael Held what was “different” about Rivka Bracha Menkes, he had trouble answering. It wasn’t as severe as Down syndrome or autism or cerebral palsy, he said. It was more in the general category of “developmental disabilities,” or “special needs.”
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August 11, 2009

When I asked Michael Held what was “different” about Rivka Bracha Menkes, he had trouble answering. It wasn’t as severe as Down syndrome or autism or cerebral palsy, he said. It was more in the general category of “developmental disabilities,” or “special needs.”

It’s true that ever since she was a little girl, Rivka, who is now 27, has had a special need. She dreamed of getting married, and having a beautiful wedding.

Rivka was part of the first group of students in 1993 that joined Etta Israel Center, the nonprofit organization founded and run by Held. Every Sunday, Rivka would go to their Talmud Torah at Maimonides Academy, where she would learn about Judaism and play with other kids.

Over lunch at Pat’s the other day, Held explained that the important thing was to give the kids a social network, an opportunity to build friendships. “We wanted them to have something to look forward to every Sunday,” he said.

In Rivka’s case, she had plenty of experience with “looking forward” to things. Growing up in a Chabad family, her life revolved around preparing for the many Jewish rituals that enrich the Torah-observant life.

Over the years, she became somewhat of an expert in these rituals. She got to know all the popular Shabbat songs, the brachas, the holiday recipes and the prayers.

She also got to know wedding rituals.

She went to enough Chabad weddings that she learned, for example, the exact order of dancing partners for the bride: mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, sisters, aunts and closest friends. She even knew that the bride had to change into fancy sneakers between the ceremony and the dancing.

Rivka’s knowledge of Jewish rituals served her well when she moved into Etta Israel’s first rooming house for girls in 2002, when she was 20. The idea, Held says, was to give the girls a taste of independence and prepare them for adult life.

For several years, Rivka worked, studied and built friendships. Inside, though, she never stopped dreaming about one particular Jewish ritual: finding a soulmate.

In the world of developmental disabilities, this is a big deal. It hadn’t happened yet with an Etta Israel kid. So Rivka and her family weren’t the only ones dreaming about her finding a soulmate — the dreamers also included Michael Held and the extended Etta Israel family.

Thankfully, it turns out that they have a really good matchmaker in New York for Jews with special needs. So last year, Rivka was introduced to a Chasidic single man from Brooklyn named Avraham Chaim Weiss.

How good was the matchmaker? Well, the first time I saw Rivka and Avraham was on a beautiful night in June at the Chabad in Tarzana — and they were both under a chuppah.

How do you describe a wedding that transcends the norms of weddings? It’s not easy.

All weddings are filled with love and simcha; this one had a little something extra. It had soul. You could see the joy on Rivka and Avraham’s faces, but you sensed they were also a little vulnerable. It was like they were being carried by the love that was all around them.

You felt something special in the air, and somehow you knew everyone else was feeling the same thing.

There was one moment in particular that stuck with me. Avraham comes from a Chasidic tradition different than Chabad — so unlike the classic black hat, he wore a shtreimel (fur hat).

At one point, while he was dancing furiously with a Chabadnik, he decided to exchange hats. So there he was, dancing with a Chabad hat, while the Chabadnik was dancing with a shtreimel. Call it his little contribution to Chasidic unity.

Avraham couldn’t stop dancing (I brought him a glass of water — this is my personal wedding ritual). As I saw him jump for joy in the middle of a human mass of Chasidic dancing, I turned to my friend Rabbi Yossi Shusterman and said, “This is the power of Torah, isn’t it?”

“This is Torah,” he replied.

When the rabbis weren’t looking (I hope), I took a quick peek in the women’s section to see Rivka, in her fancy sneakers, also dancing and jumping for joy. I have no doubt she followed the exact order of dancing partners that she had learned over the years.

At our lunch the other day, Held went out of his way to give credit to other people for Rivka’s success, especially to her family. You could see the satisfaction on his face. His organization’s whole mission is to help bring quality of life to kids with developmental needs and help integrate them into the “natural flow” of life.

A marriage is a breakthrough milestone on that journey.

But there’s also a lot of pain on this journey. Held is haunted by something he once heard from one of the kids: “Why did God make my life so painful?” He didn’t have an answer.

Lately, he’s been getting another question from some of the kids at Etta Israel that he hopes, one day, to have many answers to: “Dr. Held, when am I getting married?”

David Suissa, an advertising executive, is founder of OLAM magazine, Meals4Israel.com and Ads4Israel.com. He can be reached at {encode=”dsuissa@olam.org” title=”dsuissa@olam.org”}.

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