June 18, 2019

Game of Thrones According to Someone Who Has Never Seen It

“Hello. I’m a person who has never watched Game of Thrones. You’re a person who has watched every episode. Here is what I have learned about you through the cultural osmosis of seeing random tweets and eavesdropping on writers at The Atlantic.

You are obsessed with a show about dragons and sex. (I mean, fair.) You have memorized a very impressive roster of names with extra vowels in them that make them sound old-timey. You believe the show is either gorgeously shot or impossible to see because it is always nighttime in Westover. You are still traumatized by the Red Wedding, which was basically Kill Bill but in the Middle Ages. You have strong opinions about a person named John Snow, who is played by Peter Dinklage. You have equally strong views about a woman who is BFFs with a bunch of dragons and some other woman who just died. One of them is named Dionysus. (Love triangle with Snow, probably.) Wait—is one of these women an elf?

Actually, I have a few more questions for you. Are there monsters other than dragons on this show? There’s at least some sort of ice king, right? Is Tilda Swinton winning the war? Is she always wearing fur coats and pouring dragon blood into goblets? What ever happened to the child king you all used to talk about? Was he eaten by a dragon? Do the dragons eat the elf-people or just breathe fire on them? When you refer to “zombies” and “pirates,” are you being literal or metaphorical? Is it permanently winter on Game of Thrones? Is that why his name is John Snow? Are there mermaids involved? Is there any time travel? (If not, why not?)”

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