June 18, 2019

The Loneliness of Motherhood

“I’m sitting in the dark as my six-month-old baby sleeps swaddled up in her Fisher-Price Snugabunny swing with her Wubbanub. What is she dreaming of, I wonder? Milk? My boobs? The TV that she loves possibly better than anyone else? The swing that rocks her repeats the same electronic melodies over and over. I have unwittingly memorized the 10 songs the swing plays in rotation, and could sing them for you at the drop of a hat. My mind is muddled and dull from exhaustion, yet somehow those songs have wedged their way into my brain and won’t leave. Still, the mechanical whir of the swing comforts me.

I feel so, so happy, sitting here in the dark at my “kitchen” table. I say “kitchen” because my two-bedroom apartment has no actual dining space and already feels much too small for the four humans who cohabit here. The baby swing takes up way more space than we can afford, but it’s worth its weight in sanity. If it keeps the baby quiet, it stays. But we are bursting at the seams. Still, I am contented.

The baby is sleeping, so I should be sleeping, right? At least that’s what everyone says. But sometimes, moms need those precious nap times to daydream about going to a spontaneous happy hour or wandering into brunch on a lazy Sunday. Moms sometimes need time to forget that they’re moms.”

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