Zachor — A Prayer for Unacknowledged Mourners by Rabbi Laurie Dinnerstein-Kurs
I am mourning the loss of my beloved grandchild. I am the mother (father) of the mourner, and the grandmother (grandfather) of the mait (maita) — but oddly — I sit in this Shiva house without anything spiritual to bring comfort or peace. There is nothing for me to hold on to, as I walk through this valley of deepest darkness.
This shiva house belongs to my son and daughter in law, as it must be.
The Kaddish they offer is their spiritual hanger to hang their tears on, as it should be.
The rabbi that leads the service addresses them in their time of need — as it should be.
The wonderful, thoughtful sensitive visitors upon entering the house…give the parents words of comfort first…as they should.
The needed and considerate trays of food arrive at the Shiva house for the direct mourners, the parents…as it should be.
All 7 days, the shiva house is busy …as it should be.
It was also MY heart that was wrenched and shattered upon learning of the death of my beloved grandchild.
It was also MY very being that was overcome in anguish when I saw MY son’s tortured face as the aron was lowered.
It was also MY sorrow seeing the pain in the faces of MY other grandchildren.
It is MY heart that screamed silently as it watched MY son say Kaddish for his son.
The trauma of the death is carved into MY very soul.
It is MY complete and utter feeling of being totally stranded in a sea of pain and sadness — where there is no ritual, tradition, custom or even prayer for grandparents to hang our tears on.
What bit of consolation can a grandparent find in a shiva house for which we are — understandably, and realistically — removed from most of the shiva rituals, and are perhaps more like onlookers, apart and looking in.
And so, I offer my own prayer for grandparents at this unbearably difficult, exquisitely painful and most agonizing time.
G—D, It was always our earnest prayer that our children be spared all pain and suffering. We yearned — May this be your will.
G—D, It was always our impassioned prayer that our children all warrant peace and serenity in their lives. We yearned — May this be your will.
G—D, It was always our fervent prayer that you, the Almighty, see to it that our children are unhampered by illness or tragedy. We yearned — May this be your will.
But, today we are devastated — all our heartfelt prayers have gone unheeded
We are devastated — all our hopes, dreams, and wishes for this grandchild have evaporated into nothingness
We are devastated — as all our fierce petitions for his safety and health were for naught
Hashem — weren’t you listening??? Didn’t you hear my cries and supplications to keep, safeguard and protect my grandchild???
Though I prayed with all my heart, my heart has been ripped apart
Though I prayed with great kavanah that my grandchild be well and healthy, my very soul has been fractured
Though I prayed with total emunah … I am overwhelmed and totally brokenhearted that my beloved grandchild has left this life
I am distraught that my pleas and petitions fell on deaf ears
I am shattered and beside myself with grief 4 times over — once for having to witness my own child’s pain saying good bye to their child, and then for my own pain saying goodbye to my beloved grandchild. Once more, watching the mother/father searching to make sense of her/his loss of child, and then, once again, being faced with the siblings who just do not understand
This is NOT the right order … there is something definitely amiss when a doting, loving grandmother (grandfather) will not be needed any longer to tell stories of the past to her/his beloved grandchild, or to see that special smile when I may say “YES” after they may had heard “NO”
I am beyond distraught and I am heavily burdened with the onus of realizing I AM old and “here”, and they ARE young and “there”
My heart is so very, very heavy
I stuff my tears down deep to appear strong for my child
I see my child suffering and in pain and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can do, to ease his way
Hashem, please help all of us to carry this intense heavy burden of loss without any additional hurdles. Please — without delay —— allow healing of our spirit and healing of our hearts as we begin to accept what we cannot change
Adonai, we beseech you to allow us, the grandparents, to be strong for our children, to be stalwart for the sake of the other grandchildren and yet to be kind to ourselves in our own grief
May we all find, in due time, the strength to move forward with kindness, patience and tolerance
G—D, please grant menuchah nechonah — a true rest, to my grandchild and may he soar ON the wings of Shechinah
Rabbi Laurie Dinerstein-Kurs, I am from Brooklyn, currently living in NJ. Having originally learned about Taharah as a yeshiva student, I knew I would participate as soon as the opportunity presented itself. I have participated in doing Taharah for almost 30 years. I am currently the ROSHA of our chevrah. When not doing Taharah, I taught school – up until I retired and went back to school and became a chaplain. I held the Federation position of County (Mercer) Chaplain for 15 years. Married for 46 years, our two children have blessed us with grandchildren.
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