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Dealing With Divorce

The Jewish community has always pushed marriage. So when it comes to divorce, it is understandable that resources in the Jewish world are limited.
[additional-authors]
February 6, 2003

The Jewish community has always pushed marriage. So when it
comes to divorce, it is understandable that resources in the Jewish world are
limited. It’s not the sort of thing the community wants to encourage.

Still, there is a need. The most recent U.S. Census Bureau
statistics available reveal that nearly half of first marriages end in divorce.
Because of this and despite some cultural resistance, the University of Judaism
(UJ) is offering a class on divorce — the first in its history.

The course is “an attempt to meet the various needs of our
community,” said Gady Levy, dean of UJ’s continuing education department and
the person behind the school’s public lecture series at the Universal
Amphitheatre. “The concept of pairing a psychotherapist with a rabbi has proven
very successful in our Making Marriages Work program.” he said. “I believe this
format could [also] be of help to those dealing with divorce.”

Getting Through a Divorce will run three Thursdays,
beginning Feb. 13. The first two sessions will be led by Tamar Springer, a
licensed clinical social worker, and will deal primarily with coping strategies
for dealing with the emotional side of divorce and how to build a support
network. The last class will include Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben of Kehillat Israel,
who will discuss the Jewish aspects and perspectives on divorce.

Prior to going into private practice, Springer worked for
the Los Angeles Superior Court’s Child Custody Division, where her main aim was
to “help people make good decisions, despite their difficult situations.” She
said that while each divorce involves different factors, the main cause that
she sees is communication.

“Usually, there are long-term, deep-rooted problems that
were not addressed earlier that should have been,” Springer said. “Resentment
builds up, and the disconnect between the couple gets too big.”

“But I think people can use the experience of divorce to get
themselves to a wonderful place — to a richer, more fulfilling relationship,
eventually — and to really know themselves in a way [that] can only lead to
better connections,” added Springer, who also teaches the UJ’s Making Marriage
Work class.

“One of the reasons I wanted to do the class is because
there is a lot of help offered at the UJ for married people or for people
getting married, but nothing for people who are getting divorced,” she said. “I
think partly it is because going through a divorce is difficult and people shy
away from difficult things, and partly that in Jewish culture we have so many
celebrations and acknowledgments of positive things and, aside from funerals,
there is not a lot going on for more difficult situations.”

The Jewish community in Los Angeles does have a few
resources for divorced families, such as the Jewish Single Parent Network
offered through Jewish Family Service and various singles groups at area
synagogues.

However, the lack of sufficient support among Jews for those
going through the difficult, emotional process of a divorce was one of the
factors that prompted Rabbi Perry Netter of Temple Beth Am to write his book,
“Divorce Is a Mitzvah” (Jewish Lights Pub, 2002)

The book addresses the gamut of Jewish divorce, from the
initial decision to the beit din (Jewish court of law), as well as Jewish
perspectives on divorce, from what the rabbis of the Talmud had to say to
today’s reactions from well-meaning friends (“I’m sorry to hear about your
divorce, but have I got a girl for you!”).

Netter said that while divorce may no longer be stigmatized,
the typical reaction in the Jewish community is to gloss over its painful
reality, instead of dealing with it in a helpful way.

“We need to give people permission to talk about this,”
Netter said. “Divorce is not a disease; it’s not contagious, but that is the
way most people treat it.”

As an example, Netter described a focus group he conducted
with some congregants prior to the book’s publication. Some in the group were
divorced before they had joined the synagogue, while others went through a
divorce while they were members.

Netter said there was a divorced couple who were members of
the same chavurah. Because the man and his ex-wife did not want their children
to suffer, they decided to both remain in the chavurah, and whoever had the
children that weekend would be the one to participate in the chavurah’s events.

“This man spoke to our group with a hurt bordering on rage,
his lip quivering, saying, ‘When my kids are through with school at this
synagogue, I am through with this congregation. When I was going through my
divorce, I approached people in my havurah to talk, and they said no, because
they didn’t want to take sides,'” Netter recalled. “The man said, ‘I didn’t
want them to take sides — I just needed someone to talk to.'”

Netter said that people must find the vocabulary with which
to talk about divorce and “to be in touch with the compassionate side they
have, to let that overtake their fears and anxieties. Listening to someone is
not taking a side.”

Getting Through a Divorce is scheduled Feb. 13, 20 and 27, 7:30-9:30 p.m. at the University of Judaism. Cost for the class is $72. For more information,
call (310) 440-1246.  

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