November 16, 2018

Motherhood 101 – Where did the time go?

I love my son. I also like him. A lot. He is my favorite person on this planet and I would choose him to spend time with over anyone else. Unless of course he were busy and needed me to hang out with someone else, in which case I would choose Idris Elba.

My son is funny. A brilliant actor who can do Shakespeare with the best of them, but is a gifted comedian who cracks me up every day. There has not been one day during our almost 20 years together that he has not made me laugh, smile, and thank God he is my child.

He is pursuing his dreams and even though he is ready, willing, and able to move out of my home, he is here. He wants to go but I think he stays because I was dealing with illness and he didn’t want to leave me. Whatever the reason is I hope he stays for a little while longer.

By little while of course I mean a long while. I like having him here. We're figuring out a way to manage our relationship because it is different now he is grown up. He is my baby and I refuse to think of him as a roommate. He is simply living at home for a bit longer.

He was away for 10 days. He shot a commercial in Vancouver, went on a camping trip in northern California, then headed to San Francisco for the Outsidelands Music festival. He's been working a lot so after his shoot in Canada I was glad he was taking much needed time off.

I was thrilled he was going to Outsidelands because the headliner was Elton John, who I've seen in concert a few times. It is amazing when our lives collide decades apart. I remember seeing Elton and loving him so much that for my son to see him 25 years later is fabulous.

He came home talking about Elton as if talking about a show I saw decades ago. Elton John is magic to be able to span generations and unite them in the love and joy of his music. It was great but that is not why I am writing about my son, although I could go on about Elton.

My son is a handsome. Always has been. He has ridiculously gorgeous green eyes that look just like my beloved dad’s. He also has a head of luscious curls that make him look young and playful. He’s gorgeous. That said, he came home looking like a different person.

He is tall with a mischievous glint in his eye, and a mind that is always creating. I used to wonder what he would look like when he was older and he looks the same as he did as a kid, only different, if that makes sense. He also looks just like his dad sometimes, which is weird.

We can be standing in the kitchen and he will do something that is the spitting image of his dad and I have a flashback to being with his dad 25 years ago. He is a wonderful human being. He came home though and looked like a different person, which took me by surprise.

He retuned much lighter and his jaw now appears to be chiseled into his face. He went from cute kid to a super model and it freaks me out. Maybe it is because I see him everyday and the time apart cleared my memory, but Dear Lord, my little boy has somehow become a man.

It has been the greatest joy of my life to watch this remarkable person grow from baby, to little boy, to young man, to teenager, to grown up. It has been a fun ride but I feel like the whole thing just flashed before my eyes and I am forced to see him as who he is now, not a little baby.

It is hard to not bud into his business. He is old enough to be out on his own, and is actually older now than I was when I moved out of my parent’s house, but I find myself asking an unreasonable amount of questions. I hear myself and desperately want to stop but can’t.

Where are you going? When are you coming home? Do you have gas in your car? Did you eat? Do you need money? Did you clean your room? Did you feed the cat? Did you brush your teeth? Do you need socks or underwear? I am ridiculous and see it, but still keep doing it.

I feel nostalgic for his childhood, yet proud of who he is and the mother I've been. I have fumbled, stumbled, made mistakes, and hit home runs. Seeing his beautiful face has made me take pause and reflect on our lives together. I can’t explain how much I love him.

I am excited about this stage because I am watching him build his career, but I am also scared. I have raised him to leave me but feel unprepared for him to go. I'm blessed to share my life with him so all I can do is enjoy every moment and remember to keep the faith.