January 20, 2019

Dating 101: Who is looking for me?

Dating is an interesting thing. By interesting of course I mean a pain in the ass. I date because I want to share my life with someone, not because it is fun. Dating is exhausting in terms of the work you put in. It takes a lot of energy. I talk myself into every date I go on, get sick to my stomach when I go out on a date, and I always think about cancelling. 

I’ve met strange men but more often than not I meet lovely men who are not a match for me. I tend to like men who are broken, emotionally stunted, or idiots. It is not a conscious choice, just how it plays out. I am compassionate so a broken man does not scare me. I am emotional so I can provide emotion for a man who can’t, but I can’t date another ass.

I have dated idiots that truly have no idea they are idiots. They have no idea because they are stupid. The thing about men is that they are unclear that they are stupid, which women often find endearing, and therefore causes us to date them. It is a vicious circle really. We know we should run from those who are bad for us, but those are the ones we want.

I don’t think it is because we want to fix them, although there is probably an element of that. Not all women want to fix or save a man, nor do we want to be fixed or saved in return. Sometimes we just feel something that cannot be explained or understood. Trying to figure out why we like someone is futile. There is no explanation, just a flutter in your heart.

As I write this blog my life is changing both personally and professionally. Things are happening and I am excited and joyful, but also scared and nervous. As my son begins the next chapter of his life, I am forced to decide what I want the next chapter of my life to look like. This blog has come full circle and I look back on the past few years with wonder.

When my son was 13 he came to me before his Bar Mitzvah and told me that I had 5 years to find someone to share my life with or he would not leave me and go to college in Los Angeles, instead of looking at schools away from home. It started my dating life and was the catalyst that began the chronicling of my journey though love, life, motherhood and faith.

I have been looking for someone, and it has defined how I live. That is rather sad don’t you think? The only thing that should define my life is me, not the person I am with. I define myself as a mother first. I am also a Jew, daughter, sister, friend, writer, and inherently kind human being. I am alone because it is just my path at this time, and that is okay.

I am looking for someone special to be my partner and at the end of the day the man I find will be the man that is looking for me. In thinking about the men I have dated over the past 5 years, none of them were looking for me. They should have been, but they weren’t. I was sad when it didn’t work out, but that heartache is a blessing.

I have loved and lost, and will love again. The key to dating is being hopeful and not placing blame. It is not anyone’s fault relationships do not work. Sometimes you have the best of intentions and are simply dealing with an idiot. No good can come of that. I date idiots. Admission is the first step to recovery so my dating of idiots must end.

I am going to see the Coach today for the first time in a long time. I miss him, think he is wonderful, and believe we were both to blame for our relationship not working. Blame is not necessary, but can be shared.  I’m looking forward to seeing him. He is very special and I truly hope we can be friends because he really matters to me.

I have a date this weekend with a man I’ll call the “Editor”. He is kind and funny, attentive and communicative. I am looking forward to meeting him because he seems lovely and lacks pretention and ego. He is just a man, without an agenda, looking for someone. I find that attractive. It is just a date but I’m not good at dating, so we will see how it goes.

The fact of the matter is that if I wanted to date someone who was as compassionate, communicative, kind, smart, patient, funny, and charming as me, I would date a woman. Since chicks don’t do it for me, I am left with men. Glorious and fabulous men. If you date men you are always  going to see glimpses of an idiot so the key is to accept it and avoid assholes.

My son is going away to college. That is how it was always going to be, so there was no need for me to put pressure on myself. I have great love in my life from my child, family, and friends. Having a man is a hope not a requirement, and so I am hopeful. Love is grand, I am worthy, and love will be found if I just breathe and focus on keeping the faith.