fbpx

No Fear = Acceptance? Getting there.

[additional-authors]
June 8, 2016

[Ed. Note: This entry was written as a followup to a recent posting in this blog by Rabbi Karen B. Kaplan entitled , which appeared on 5/25/2016. — JB]

 

Every individual, coming from their own life experiences, deals with death in their own unique way.  As Rabbi Karen Kaplan mentioned, bargaining with G-d is not always a preferred choice, for a variety of reasons. One reason stands out in my mind — acceptance. Acceptance can partner with calm and serenity. Often these positive characteristics are mistaken for “negative’ qualities such as “throwing in the towel” and “giving up.”

It is really not unusual for an individual – who is facing a dire outcome, to have come to terms with the infinite in their own mind. I have found, more often than not, they have no outlet to state their case without others misunderstanding their position. Particularly if the person is young, others will try to change their mind, tell them not to speak foolishly, try harder, don’t give up and just hang in there.

Ø Yes, those of us who are NOT imminently needing to consider our own demise are frequently the ones who will express fear of dying. Yes, it does happen that someone terminally ill may express fear – fear of the unknown – but, for many- the realization that pain, suffering, lingering and languishing will end…is welcomed. Sadly – few want to hear that expressed, because those who are listening are NOT in that situation.

Ø Yes, G-D fearing people may have reservations about their past conduct and fear for where they will end up. Hard to reconcile that it is likely that the very religion they hang their hat on is what makes them fearful and stressed. Without the overtones of hell and eternal punishment …undoubtedly there would be less fear. The reality is, most people believe they are basically good, caring people. While that should bring peace, strength, and acceptance to the soul, religious teachings can get in the way.

Ø Yes, bargaining, praying, hoping, wishing, and longing are ruses we engage in grasping on an outside chance it will change the outcome. If and when a person allows themselves to “accept” what they intuitively understand…talking about it is not necessarily a help. Turning away may be their comfort zone…while others may interpret it differently.  

Ø Yes, sometimes, in instances such as impending death – ignoring a reality is one’s best way to cope with it. It is sad that societal ideas that do not jive with personal convictions will overrule, override and cancel personal choice.

Ø Yes, how we read into someone’s reactions, someone’s choices and someone’s story colors how we see and view their preferences.

Ø Yes, some people are just overcome with sadness that they will not be around to be part of this world. Sadness is measurable and observable, ranging from acceptance – “it is what it is,” to resignation – “whatever happens, happens,” to total despair and/or fear. Without trying to change their mind, make light, or convert them, we can just be there for them as they internalize and work thru their own understandings. Even if it occurs in total silence. As Karen so aptly stated: “one other is simply sad about his book of life coming to the end with no chance to reread it again.”

Ø Yes, the “fear” of no longer existing often pales to the awareness of no more pain, no more battles.

Ø Yes, there are those who look forward to “seeing” family and friends in the afterlife.

Ø Yes, there are those who can’t wait to walk with their G–d.

I love Karen’s closing statements, “Maybe fear is the predominant emotion surrounding death, but not when it is within easy reach. Paradoxically, we fear it when we are feeling fine and it is a long way off. We tend to fear it the most when we are young. I have often heard people say that as they age, and despite death being closer, they fear it less. I must say this is all very good news, especially as we do not have any choice in the matter. As afraid as I may feel at the moment, it is of some comfort to trust in a future when I will be more likely to face my closing pages with less dread and more calm, however tinged with disenchantment it may be.”, and to it I would add this:

The Death Café, a brilliant and relatively new concept, gives people an opportunity to meet in a non- judgmental environment that allows all aspects, topics, views and ideas regarding death to be discussed. The ultimate goal of Death Cafes is to bring the taboo subject of death into mainstream conversation, and during which, through dialogue, exchange of ideas, open and uninhibited conversations, the fears can be allayed.  Google Death Café and you will see that you too can run a death cafe and become part of the movement to eliminate the taboo on death conversation!!!

 

Laurie Dinerstein-Kurs: I am from Brooklyn, currently living in NJ.  Having originally learned about Taharah as a yeshiva student, I knew I would participate as soon as the opportunity presented itself.  I have participated in doing Taharah for almost 30 years. I am currently the ROSHA of our chevrah. When not doing Taharah, I taught school – up until I retired and went back to school and became a chaplain. I held the Federation position of County (Mercer) Chaplain for 15 years. Married for 46 years, our two children have blessed us with grandchildren.

 

 


 

GAMLIEL INSTITUTE COURSES

Please Tell Anyone Who May Be Interested!

                        Fall 2016:

Gamliel Institute Course 5, Chevrah Kadisha Ritual, Practices, & Liturgy (RPL) will be offered from September 6th, 2016 to November 22nd 2016. The focus is on practices and all ritual and liturgy, excluding Taharah & Shmirah (which are covered in Course 2). Please register, note it on your calendar, and plan to attend.

You can “>jewish-funerals.org/gamreg. A full description of the courses is there as well. For more information, visit the “>Kavod v’Nichum website.

Please contact us for information or assistance. info@jewish-funerals.org or j.blair@jewish-funerals.org, or call 410-733-3700, or 925-272-8563.

 

 

 

DONATIONS:

Donations are always needed and most welcome. Donations support the work of the Gamliel Institute, help us provide scholarships to students, support programs such as Taste of Gamliel, and many other programs and activities. You can donate online at  “>here (http://www.jewish-funerals.org/money/).

 

MORE INFORMATION

If you would like to receive the Kavod v’Nichum newsletter by email, or be added to the email discussion list, please be in touch and let us know at info@jewish-funerals.org.

You can also be sent an email link to the Expired And Inspired blog each week by sending a message requesting to be added to the distribution list to j.blair@jewish-funerals.org.

Be sure to check out the Kavod V’Nichum website at  

RECEIVE NOTICES WHEN THIS BLOG IS UPDATED!

Sign up on our Facebook Group page: just search for and LIKE “>@chevra_kadisha.

 

To find a list of other blogs and resources we think you, our reader, may find to be of interest, click on “About” on the right side of the page.There is a link at the end of that section to read more about us.

 

Did you enjoy this article?
You'll love our roundtable.

Editor's Picks

Latest Articles

Print Issue: Got College? | Mar 29, 2024

With the alarming rise in antisemitism across many college campuses, choosing where to apply has become more complicated for Jewish high school seniors. Some are even looking at Israel.

More news and opinions than at a
Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.

More news and opinions than at a Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.

More news and opinions than at a Shabbat dinner, right in your inbox.