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Why I Am a Stuffed Shirt about Jeans at a Funeral

[additional-authors]
March 11, 2015

When it comes to officiating funerals, I am fairly easygoing and liberal about what goes on. Toss your dear aunt’s earrings after the lowered casket? Sure. Play a recording of the deceased’s singing from a recital in her teens? Have everyone present, family and friends, Jew and gentile wear the black ribbon in solidarity with the principal mourners? No problem. But one time at a graveside service, my eyes helplessly kept returning to the attire of the next-of-kin, who moreover was delivering the longest and most heartfelt eulogy of the occasion. My eyes were roving thus because a pair of jeans was taking the leading role in his ensemble.

As far as I could discern, this mourner was not conveying anger or disrespect toward the deceased through sartorial signals. His eulogy did not hint at his relief and joy at finally getting rid of the %&*!%  Nor was he rebelling against ritual or religion, though he may have been indifferent to social convention when all he cared about at that heightened moment was the loss of his loved one. Besides, haven’t we all seen jeans and other informal wear at religious services and weddings? I myself was not much bothered on such occasions, but this time I inwardly fretted that the perhaps well-intentioned gentleman did not have a sense of propriety. I felt that the final frontier for jeans should stop short of a funeral, especially for the chief mourners themselves. But again why was I thinking like such a stuffed shirt about it? One might say formal clothing contributes to kavod ha met (honoring the dead), which may enter into my complex of feelings. Jeans can communicate the message, “I am not taking this seriously or deeply or at least I am pretending to myself not to.”  Or more simply, “I don’t care.” Yet as his eulogy showed, he certainly did care deeply.

But there must be more to this clothing issue for me (and for you?) besides that. After all, as a loved one approaches death, the relationship can be more intimate than ever as final reflections are voiced, meaningful and poignant events reviewed, and goodbyes are uttered. Informal clothes imply such closeness. Once the funeral begins, however, most of us create distance from the departed and everyone else present with an upgrade in our dress. Perhaps the subconscious impulse operating here is our acknowledgment that a great divide has opened up between ourselves and our lost loved ones. We stand in humility and in fear and in in awe, and yes, in wonder at this Separation of separations. A funeral is a time to ponder what the life of the deceased was all about and what our relationship with the deceased amounted to, and what we could be doing with our own lives going forward.  At that funeral, if you get right down to it, the offending jeans, being the most everyday clothing possible, minimized the out-of-the-ordinary elements of that day. Funerals are a rare opportunity for families and communities to reflect and to mourn, to make amends and to show gratitude and love. Let us not have informal wear blur this distinction between the holy and the profane.

Rabbi and board certified Chaplain Karen B. Kaplan is author of “>publisher’s page or to by email or via her blog,  

  

 


 

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Kavod v’Nichum Israel-American Kenes

Dignity, Simplicity, Comfort and Spirituality At Life’s End

What:  A program of learning and an exchange of information focusing on Chevra Kadisha, Spiritual Care and end of life issues. (Program in English)

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Sponsor: The Gamliel Institute of Kavod v’Nichum, an American non-profit organization that provides education and training for Chevra Kadisha groups.

When: Tuesday May 5, 2015

Time: 8:30am-5:00 pm

Where: Jerusalem – Yad Ben Tzvi – Ibn Gabirol Street 14

More Information: Contact Nomi Roth Elbert (nomire@gmail.com ) to be put on our mailing list.

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