January 19, 2019

A Love Like Mime

In my San Francisco days, I once had a brief romantic affair with a mime. I was living in a house with lots of bedrooms, which were rented out to many different people. One of them was her, Angie, a young woman who each day would leave the house, go down to the park and do her mime thing, collecting dollars in a hat. I would tease her and we would flirt.

One day, coming out of the bathroom after a shower, I couldn’t help notice Angie approaching me, taking hold of my bathrobe, pulling me into her bedroom, and having her way with me. A perceptive guy like myself notices these things. No words were exchanged, and I didn’t feel awkward about the silent seduction, since she was, after all, a mime. We did everything that afternoon — walking against the wind, pulling a rope, being trapped in an imaginary box. I’d never enjoyed mime so much before or since.

If this sounds like a fantasy, I agree. It does sound like one, but I swear it’s true. Not that there aren’t female Jewish mimes who seduce guys coming out of the shower, but I’m guessing it’s not a large percentage of the female Judaic populace. Angie was Italian, and since that day I’ve dated both Jewish and non-Jewish women. None of the Jewish women came anywhere near being a mime. But they did offer qualities I’ve come to love and look for in my PRPs (potential romantic partners). Which is not to say that non-Jewish women wouldn’t or couldn’t have those qualities — but in my experience, these qualities are most likely to be found in Members of the Tribe.

Obviously, there’s that unique connection to our shared culture, history, religion, traditions and — my personal favorite — cuisine. Oh, sure, I could have taken Angie to temple with me, and she could have explained to everyone that just because she’s Italian doesn’t mean she knows cast members of “The Sopranos” personally, and then entertained everyone with her impression of being trapped in an imaginary sukkah — but it’s just not the same.

I remember standing at the school bus stop in the 11th grade, talking to Joan Reid, a Protestant, on whom I had a huge crush. She told me that her mother recommended that she date and marry Jewish guys because “they’re more dependable, they treat you better, they don’t beat you and they’re more professional.” So it’s not just Jewish women who have this appeal. A few months later, while making out on the beach on prom night with Joan, surrounded by our empty bottles of Southern Comfort and apricot brandy, I just knew she appreciated how dependable and professional Jewish guys are. But I digress.

Jewish women, to me, always seem to have this inner glow, a warmth, a kindness, a sensitivity, an intelligence that I just don’t find in their non-Jewish counterparts. And my Jewish radar, my Jadar, plugs right in to it. I think Jewish women are prettier than others, and I love the fact that they’re mostly brunettes. Blondes seem so, so … goyish. Finally, just try asking an Episcopalian for a plate of matzah brei. She’ll look at you like you’re from another planet.

“That’s some sort of Jewish food, isn’t it?”

Yes, darling, but you don’t have to be a rabbi to eat it.

My mother got remarried to an Irish Catholic man, whom I really like. She is very happy with him and even urged me not to limit myself to dating only Jewish women. How’s that for turning the stereotypical Jewish mother on her head? Truth be told, I don’t limit myself to dating Jewish women. Because, after all, variety is the spice of life, true love is rare, and you never do know where you’ll find it. And while I’m not a betting man, if I had to place a bet on this, I’d say the odds are that I’ll end up with a Jewish woman. And if she has an appreciation for mime, so much the better.

Mark Miller will be speaking with three other Journal singles columnists on Oct. 10 at Friday Night Live at Sinai Temple, 10400 Wilshire Blvd., Westwood.

Mark Miller is a comedy writer
who has written for TV, movies and many celebrities, been a humor columnist for
the Los Angeles Times Syndicate, contributed to numerous national publications
and produced a weekly comedic relationships feature for America Online. He can
be reached at markmiller2000@attbi.com