Dear Deborah

Dining and Whining

Dear Deborah,
My friends and I have always wanted to write to you, and now we have a cause! We are grandmothers (one of us is a great-grandmother) who have been dining out weekly at reasonably priced restaurants for about nine years. We have noticed the rapid and alarming decline of manners in youngsters. This past week, the following examples of poor restaurant behavior occurred: 1. Children shrieking with laughter and running back and forth to the bathroom. 2. Children sliding under the table and playing, eating or causing mischief. 3. Children taking and wasting ridiculous portions from the salad bar that were left barely touched. 4. Total lack of table manners – no napkins, blowing bubbles through the straw, eating with hands, talking with full mouths, etc.

What has happened to parental authority, manners and civilized meals? We very rarely took our children out to restaurants, but when we did, they most certainly knew how to behave, or else we wouldn’t have taken them out again. Restaurants are not the kitchen table or park picnic table. Also, is it appropriate to say something to the parents of children who are disturbing others? Thank you for your advice.

Appalled Grannies

Dear Appalled Grannies,
Care for fries with that complaint? If so, take a number and duck. I believe that’s a projectile stream of ketchup soaring overhead.

All moderately priced restaurants these days have become “family” establishments. Why? Most parents work and do not have the time and, as some would consider, the luxury of preparing meals at home and teaching children to consume them in a way that does not result in appetite loss in others. You were far likelier to stay home with your children than are today’s working parents, dining out on special occasions only. Today, for some families, restaurants are no longer a luxury – they’re simply cost-effective. Sadly, a portion of that cost must be absorbed by you and disgruntled diners everywhere.

As for the advice part, it is not a good idea to criticize parents in restaurants, because – let’s face it – ill-mannered offspring are produced by adults who don’t give a crouton about how their spawn behave at salad bars. You may not only not get the desired response, you might get a tirade, finger or some white bread hurled in your direction.

So unless a child is endangered by his actions – imminently rather than theoretically – or unless a small reptile or Barbie limb plops into your jello, lay low. In fact, why not dine at more suitable restaurants – read pricier – every other week? Either go elsewhere or carry on, wear protective gear, sit back and enjoy the show. Attempting to change it is not worth the indigestion.

One last thing: it is your civic duty to induct your grandchildren into restaurant training. You know, napkins, size of bites, Manners 101 – and don’t forget to richly reward behavior with dessert or perhaps points that result in, oh, you know, some good-kid sort of thing. It would be a favor to them, their weary parents and dejected diners everywhere.

Bitterness Backfired

Dear Deborah,
Your last column was about mothers and daughters. I sympathize with the daughter of “Hurting Mom,” the mother who wrote in because her adult daughter was still angry about the mistakes she made in raising her. The only thing that began to cure me of my bitterness toward my mother for the years of neglect was giving birth to a beautiful baby. I was too busy to be thinking about my mother. I am still angry, but I have learned to live with it. I have better things to do. I want to tell that daugh-ter, “It does get better with time. You are lucky your mother cares, asks for forgiveness and is trying to make it up to you.”

The only thing I get from my mother are postcards from fancy trips with younger men and big checks on birthdays and Chanukah. I’d rather have the yelling and crying and apologizing, like with “Hurting Mom’s” daughter, than the big void my irresponsible, drugged-out “flower child” mother left. I vow to be a better mother to my son.

Bitter But Better

Dear Bitter But Better,
Isn’t it ironic that your mother is off having fun on fancy trips and you are the bitter one? Haven’t you suffered enough? Your mother never was and still is not what you would like her to be. Stop waiting for the real goods from her and accept the checks as a consola-tion prize. In fact, why not spend that money on something “fun” as well? Fun for you. Fun enough for you to get on with your life and stop setting an example for your beautiful young son about how not to let go of anger.

If your bitterness is diminishing only because you are “too busy” to think of your mother, what happens when you stop being so busy? Do you resume the wrath? If you can begin to let go of the past and the bitterness that poisons your own well, you will multiply your odds of fulfilling the vow to be a better parent – and person. Good luck.

Bubbe Trouble

Dear Deborah,
My brother is divorced. His children, ages 10 and 12, are devastated. My mother, seeing that, spends more time with them than with my children, ages 9 and 11. They [my children] are deeply resentful of her favoritism. My mother insists that it is not favoritism, but that the other children need her so much more. All my children see is that they are neglected by their grandmother. My explanations have not helped…

R.

Dear R,
Try this explanation to your children: Life isn’t fair. They won’t always get their needs met. Adults and children often divide things unequally, whether it’s time, feelings or a piece of chocolate cake. It would help if they can learn to have empathy for their hurting cousins by inviting them over, calling them, spending time with them (and grandmother?).

Yet I suspect from the subtext of your letter that there may be some feelings you yourself have about your mother’s “favoritism.” If you can admit it to yourself, reread the last paragraph – but this time for yourself. Take a deep breath. If you can sit with and be at peace with the knowledge that life isn’t fair. and if you are able to accept that for now, if you pull up enough empathy and attention for all four children, your children will be able to handle what comes just fine.

Deborah Berger, Psy.D., is a West Los Angeles psychotherapist.