October 15, 2019

Dear Feeling Lost

Dear Therapists,

I am 29 years old and my boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago.  I was ready to get married, and he was more focused on his career.  He is in law school and still has a long road ahead of him before he is established financially.  Often he calls me to tell me that he misses me, however, he still says he is not ready for the responsibilities. I want to start the next chapter of my life.  I feel like I should let go and move on, however, the possibility of the future leaves me hopeful and keeps me from moving on.

Feeling Lost

Dear Feeling Lost,

It may appear that your ex boyfriend is the one that’s confused, however, you might want to take a look at what is pulling you and keeping you in a situation that is ambivalent.
We suspect that there may be a part of you that prefers this pull and push. That’s the dynamic that you need to take a look at and explore further. As confused as you are saying you are, you actually seem to know the truth about the circumstances of this relationship, which is no commitment yet. What stops you from confronting that? i.e. demanding commitment, setting boundaries, or letting go. It seems to us that it can be easy for you to hide behind his ambivalence than admitting your own.  Sometimes our ambivalence is indication of some form of fear, and not taking accountability for our decisions. In other words it’s like a smoke screen and it protects you from knowing the truth. In that case why would you not want to see the truth? The truth here is in front of you. His pattern has not changed, neither has his excuse.  A lot of times, reflecting and exploring your own set of values and dynamics in a safe environment through therapy or other means can clear your vision.

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