April 1, 2020

Some More Funnies for You, Conversations with My Kids

* I was reading a story in the newspaper to Nikolas (6) about people in Somalia having to abandon their weakest children on the side of the road, in order to get their other children to a refugee camp for food and water.  I explained that the Mothers have to make a choice in which one they can save.  Without blinking an eye, he says: “Well, aren’t you glad we live in America Mom!”

* Me: “I can’t wait to take you guys to see the Three Muskateers movie!”  Tyler: “It seems scary, not sure Mom”  Me: “Oh, its fine, its like PG-something”  Tyler: “Yeah, PG-13!”

* As I was about to pull out of a parking spot, I wondered if I could go forward instead of in reverse.  Just as I was saying out loud: “I wonder if there is anything blocking the car in front…”, Tyler (11) says: “Um, yea BUSHES!”

* “Oh s**t, that’s super spicy!”- says Nikolas (6) while eating dinner. And then as he sees everyone’s face staring at him, “Wait, was that a bad word? I didn’t know it was a bad word.  Should I not say S**T anymore?”

* At dinner, Nik my 6-year-old kept blowing on the steam, over and over again. I had to intervene: “Stop blowing, you will pass out! Oh wait, maybe its a good idea. Keep going!”

* Tyler (11) talking to his younger brother: “That’s why your room is such a mess, you don’t treat your LEGO’s with any respect!”

* Talking to Nik(6) about being nice to babies, he keeps saying that he hates babies. I point out that HE himself was once a baby. To which he says: “Mom, even when I was a baby I hated myself!”

* Walking into a Target store, Nik (6) sees the giant red balls outside the door: “Oh I love those giant balls! I can do so much with those balls, Mom!”

* While watching TV, the commercial for 76 gas comes on.  The one with the kid asking his parents tons of questions while they are trying to drive.  Then they show the number that parents can call for pre-recorded information on all kinds of kid questions.  Nikolas (6) says: “Yeah, you are gonna need to get that for me!”

* “Dad, am I old enough to ride a dolphin yet?”, Nikolas (6)

* Nikolas (who just turned 6) has been walking around telling people he is 7.  One day, after meeting a new person who asked him how old he was, Nikolas answered: “I am 7!”  To which Daddy replied (for the 15th time), “No, you are 6!”  Nikolas getting visibly upset: “Why do you keep saying that?  I have told you many times that I am 7!”

* After seeing Nicolas Cage’s star on the Hollywood walk of fame, my Nikolas exclaimed: “Mom, I found my star!  I told you I am famous!”

* Out of nowhere, while drinking iced tea Nikolas says: “Where is the ice?”  Me: “You don’t need ice, its cold.”  Nik: “But its ICED TEA, its supposed to have ice in it, otherwise what’s the point of calling it Iced Tea?”

* Reading Dr. Seuss book “Oh can you say the Dinosaur names!”, Dad asks: Nikolas (5), can you say Tyrannosaurus Rex?

Nikolas: Ty-Anus-Saurus-Sex!

* At dinner, Nik (5) announced that he wants his own blog!  When I asked what he will write about he said: “I will write about you Mommy.”  That’s appropriate, considering all I do is write about him.

* Nik (5): Mommy, do you know who I have a crush on?  Me:  No, who?  Nik: I have a crush on girls in Bikinis.  Me: All girls in Bikinis or a specific/one girl in a bikini?  Nik: All the girls in bikinis.  Not the little girls, like my age.  But the older, bigger girls!

* I was partially dressed as Nik (5) walked into my room. I tried giving him a hug, and as he pulled away I asked why he wouldn’t hug me. “Mom, how can I, when you got all THAT going on?”, as he pointed up and down, and all over at my half-dressed body.

* Me: Nikolas, what did you do at school today?

Nik: I farted.

Me: Um, ok.  What else did you do at school?

Nik: I made crap out of nothing.

* Nikolas’ kindergarten teacher keeps a notebook of all the interesting things he says in class, here’s some of it:

– Teacher, I know what heaven looks like.  I saw a picture of it on my Daddy’s phone.  It has clouds and trees, and a giant ladder that goes all the way to the sky, and you can take a shortcut to get there!

– During quiet, writing time: Teacher, I have a question.  I was just thinking that if a Banana had a face, a mouth, a nose, eyes and ears, it could walk up to me and talk.  And that would be very weird, wouldn’t it?

* Nikolas (5), was asking me a lot of questions while I was typing an email on my phone.  The kids know how much I don’t like when they interrupt what I am doing.  I always ask the kids to be patient, wait til I am done and then I will answer any questions they have.  As he asked yet another question, he finally remembered what I have been saying about interrupting, and I heard him in the corner mumbling to himself: “Yes, I know.  I guess I will have to be patient and wait til she is done texting on her phone, AGAIN!  I can’t wait til I get my own phone, and show her what its like!”  Point well taken.

* I bought Tyler (11) some new shirts.  After I brought them home, he was looking through them and pulled out the blue, Rusty brand one.  Sarcastically, he says: “Great, Mom!  This will go great with my Red Rusty shirt, and my Green Rusty shirt, and my White Rusty shirt, and my Black Rusty shirt, and now my very own BLUE Rusty shirt!”  Apparently, I’ve been buying him the same type Rusty Brand shirts, without even knowing it.

* The best quote ever from my 5-year-old: “I’m so happy today, and everyday! You know why? Because I’m not dead!” How simple, yet so wise!

* I was talking to my husband about my Dad being sick: “You should have seen the 5-Star service my dad got from Mom when he was sick!”  Tyler (11) yells out: “He ALWAYS gets a 5-Star service from her!”

* I usually make a good sized dinner every night, typically chicken, rice, lots of vegetables, etc.  One night, I only made a vegetable soup for dinner.  Tyler (11) looks at the soup I just placed in front of him, and says: “Mom, are we poor?”  Apparently, when you spoil your family with gourmet dinners almost every night, a simple soup with bread means we are poor.

* As usual, Nik (5) was taking forever in the bathroom.  I yelled out to him: “Are you OK?  Did you fall in the toilet?”  “No Mommy, ONLY my butt fell in the toilet!  But, its OK.  I pulled it out!”

* As we were all driving one day, a car cuts us off.  I yell out: “Why is that guy an idiot?”  Tyler (11): “I don’t know, Mom. Why is a pickle green?”

* My 5-year-old has started to take a shower on his own.  One day, while he was in the shower my husband was telling him to make sure to wash his ‘behind’ well.  As Nikolas was about to do it: “Oh, this ain’t gonna be pretty!”

* Beef jerky time:

Me: Would you like some beef jerky?
My kid (5): Yea yea beef jerky!
He starts eating.
My kid: “Oh, its spicy, I need water”
Me: I don’t have any water
My kid: Well why did you give me this then?
Me: Not sure. Spit it out.
My kid: I need a napkin!
Me: Ooh lucky for you I found a napkin.
My kid: No, no – lucky for you.

* When Nikolas (5) was taking a very long time in the bathroom one night, I asked him if he was alright, if his stomach was hurting, and if it was diarrhea.  He looks in the toilet, looks up at me: “Oh, its your lucky day, Mom!”

* Nik (5) didn’t want the Oats on the Oat Bran muffin, so my husband said he will scrape them off.  He finished, and our kid says: “That’s good enough, Dad.  You can take a break now!”

* My 5-year-old wanted to have the leftover Halloween candy, and was trying to get it.  Me: “Oh, don’t eat that, its a month-old!”  My kid: “No, you are a month-old!”

* While trying to clean up the house, the little one (5) kept whining that no one is giving him anything to do.  It was getting on my nerves, me: “What’s with you?”  My kid: “Stop saying that, there is Nothing WITH me, I don’t have anything WITH me!”

* The only show my kid (5) will watch is Sponge Bob, he is obsessed with him!  I have about 100 episodes recorded.  When one of the recorded shows ended, he ran up the stairs, screaming: “Mommy, Mommy, Sponge Bob bent over, it bent over!”  I had no clue what he was saying, so all kinds of inappropriate thoughts ran through my head… He was trying to tell me that the show was over, it ended.

*We asked our oldest, Tyler (who was 9 yrs at the time), to do us a favor and give a shower to his little brother (4 at the time), kind of as a joke. Really didn’t think that he would actually do it.  He obviously took it as a way to make a quick buck… We got this as our bill of services rendered, below!

* My 10-year-old rode his bike down to the neighborhood park, with his friends.  After he got back home, asked him, “Tyler did you guys stay at the park the whole time?”.  Rolling his eyes at me, “No, Mom.  We went to the bar, had a few beers, you know the usual!”

* “Mom, when you were a little boy in Russia, did you speak English?” (Nikolas, 5).  “You mean: when I was a little GIRL in Russia”,  “No Mom, I SAID, when you were a little BOY in Russia!  Everyone is born a Boy, and then turn into girls, Mom!”