Jews by Choice tackle family tensions

Couples go through a range of emotions after an engagement, from joy and excitement to anxiety and panic. It doesn’t take long for this wonderful time to give way to the strain of wedding planning — dealing with a budget, coping with family expectations, making tough decisions and balancing wedding-day fantasies with reality.

Addressing the wedding issues that come up on an almost daily basis can cause stress on any couple as a whole as well as on each person individually. But the stress can be particularly intense for couples in which one of the partners has converted or is converting to Judaism. Additional challenges for converts can include carving out time for study and spiritual exploration as well as meeting conflicting expectations of both non-Jewish parents and future Jewish in-laws.

For the Jew-by-Choice/Jewish-born couple, finding ways to deal with the stress together will help strengthen the bonds of couplehood and set the tone for their Jewish home.

As a leader of support groups for Jews by Choice, I have found that the majority of people who convert feel they have found a spiritual home within Judaism. And for most converts, this happens during the planning of a wedding.

Even after the hoopla of the wedding has ended, I encourage Jews by Choice to continue their study of Judaism and find their own passions for Jewish rituals. Developing a Jewish identity is important for someone who converts, and it takes time, energy and support from their Jewish-born partner. A person choosing to be Jewish might need to be active in Jewish rituals and Jewish life in a way that is different from the way the Jewish-born partner was raised, which can ultimately challenge that person’s established Jewish identity.

A Jew by Choice often has to deal with a more complex set of challenges surrounding his or her non-Jewish family, which further complicates planning for the big day. Even if a Jew-by-Choice fiance is not dealing with the stress of wedding planning, he will likely face emotional grief and disapproval from his family, and possibly even his future in-laws. Converting to another religion can be hard for families to accept.

The parents of a convert might fear that their child will be fundamentally different. This can leave non-Jewish parents feeling sad and disconnected. Jewish parents might also have negative reactions to the partner who is converting. It’s critical for a Jewish-born partner to be supportive of the converting partner, especially if the family is not.

However, acknowledging such feelings and easing the concerns of parents is also important. As someone who converted to Judaism, I know that being inclusive of my parents during my wedding went a long way toward helping them feel comfortable and involved.

Even though it is your wedding day, remember that they are your parents and they likely had dreams about what their child’s wedding day would be like.

What is most challenging for the Jew by Choice and his or her partner is to make sure that they create the wedding they deeply want without forgetting to be gracious and inclusive of others’ feelings.

Be sure to explain ahead of time all the customs of a Jewish wedding ceremony, including traditions like hakafot, when the bride circles the groom seven times, the chuppah, the groom breaking a glass and the chair dance during the reception. And when possible, make sure all non-Jewish family members are included and honored in the same way as the Jewish family members.

Tips for Managing the Stress

Couple Time
Don’t let all your free time be spent on the wedding planning. Make sure you enjoy your down time.

Face Emotions
Make sure you keep communicating with each other. Talk openly about your fears and concerns around the wedding or family issues.

Other People’s Stuff
People will have a range of emotional reactions to your engagement and wedding, including friends, siblings and family. We all have our own baggage around these big events, so recognize that emotions may run high and hot when under stress.

Be Clear
Be focused and clear on what your wishes are for your wedding day. The more clear you and your partner are, the easier it will be to set boundaries with family and friends.

Be Open
Remember to be open to your parents’ feelings about the wedding. This does not mean allowing yourself to be bullied into anything, but to be open to their thoughts and suggestions, especially if they are around issues that don’t mean as much to you. A little give and a lot of love will go a long way for everyone.

For both the Jew by Choice and the Jewish-born partner, creating a wedding filled with spirituality and meaning can be a wonderful way to deepen their love and strengthen the bond that brought both partners to this important milestone. The wedding day will go by in the blink of an eye, so remember that what will remain are the feelings surrounding this time in your couplehood. Make sure your wishes for the big day happen , and manage the worry and stress as a united front with grace and dignity. 

Michelle Golland (drmichellegolland.com) is a relationship expert and has a private practice in Hollywood. She has appeared on “Larry King Live,” HLN, ABC and “Fox News,” and is a contributor to momlogic.com.