I’m not a Torah scholar, but it seems to me Adam was a bachelor in Eden for about four minutes before God felt compelled to play matchmaker. It was the perfect fix-up because the element of choice was eliminated: Eve didn’t have to compete for Adam’s attention with thinner Eves, prettier Eves, Eves that “are comfortable in both high heels and sweatpants.” Adam also had it easy; there were no wealthier Adams, taller Adams, or funnier Adams a mouse click away. Adam’s hairline (and beard length) didn’t matter.
Modern-day Adams and Eves living in suburbia have it a lot tougher. Being Jewish and single and searching for a life partner is as challenging as driving the 101 on a Friday afternoon. San Fernando Valley and Conejo Valley synagogues are no help, as they tend to cater to families, and most organized activities for Jewish singles are held on the Westside. The advent of Internet dating solved one problem — locating large numbers of eligible Jewish singles — but also created two new ones. Sites like JDate maximize the importance of one’s appearance and create an illusion of an endless supply of eligible mates. The result? Near-universal belief in the myth that with just another click the “right” person will magically go from computer screen to chuppah. Or, as one JDater put it: It’s not that singles don’t want to settle down, it is just that they don’t want to settle; it seems like there is always a more “right” Mrs. Right out there.
So what is it like to be single in suburbia? I asked the people who would know: singles ranging from 29 to 50. Here is what they had to say.
The Disenchanted Divorcé:
Wendy, born and raised in the San Fernando Valley, never thought that she would find herself divorced. Married, with a 2-year-old son, Wendy and her husband of five years were like “Ozzie and Harriet.” Then, without warning, her husband left her.
“We were on a cruise with my family, and he was not acting like himself. When we got back from the cruise, I said to him, ‘You’re leaving me, aren’t you?’ and he said, ‘Yes.’ I don’t know how I knew, but I just knew. My entire world just crumbled.
“I thought that I would never date again, because I never thought I could trust anyone again. And I’m pretty much in that same phase. I’ve gone on a few dates in the last 10 years, but, basically, I’m hoping someone will fall from the sky and land in my lap.
“I tried JDate, met a few guys through the site, and went out with one. On our first date, he said to me that if I didn’t sleep with him within three dates, he wouldn’t go out with me again. I have found that JDate is mostly superficial and that people on the site are mainly concerned with your appearance. I never looked at people’s pictures because I wanted to know the person inside, but I found that people didn’t want to know me inside.”
The Nice,Normal Guy:
Like Wendy, Ian lives in the San Fernando Valley, but is not waiting for the future Mrs. Ian to “fall from the sky.” Known as LakerFan28 on JDate, Ian is a 29-year-old man with a nice smile who lives in Woodland Hills and is actively looking for his life mate. Blatantly honest — “I couldn’t fall in love with an overweight Jewish girl” — Ian thinks it is difficult to meet someone through JDate because it is a “woman’s world.”
“Most women get plenttyyyyy [sic] of e-mails, but I feel like they are too picky. Most women are looking for something that doesn’t exist — tall, dark, handsome, and a $100k-plus salary. I have been on JDate on and off for a couple of years, and even though I feel like I’m good-looking, have an awesome personality, and am stable in my career, I can’t get enough dates on [JDate] where I feel a potential connection.”
So Ian, what’s the problem?
“These days we are asking a computer to match us up, which is a lot to ask. And younger girls like the variety and are not necessarily looking for a boyfriend. At around 25, women start to learn what they want and are ready for a cool guy after being burned by a couple of jerks.
“I like dating Jewish girls, but I would marry someone who isn’t Jewish. I’m starting to lose a little faith in Jewish women because I think Jewish women ask a lot; it feels like when they are [instant messaging with you], they are going down a checklist. With non-Jewish girls, if you can make them laugh, that is enough.
“JDate is not a bad place. I think of it like a cheesy zombie movie where there are like a dozen normal people running around trying to find each other, but it is hard to find the normal people because they are [interspersed with the] zombies. But I’m really ready to meet someone.”
Pushing 40 and Single:
Known on JDate as Caligirl71, Lisa [not her real name] seems like one of the “dozen normal people” running around trying to meet someone. She has had some long relationships, but none of them have led to marriage. At 38, she is ready to settle down and start a family, but is finding that meeting the right person is a challenge, especially in the West San Fernando Valley, which she describes as “all families.”
“My friends and I go out to restaurants, clubs and bars, but if you just go to a restaurant, you don’t know who is Jewish. And I wouldn’t marry someone who wasn’t Jewish. There are organizations over the hill [in Brentwood and Beverly Hills] that sponsor Jewish singles events, but not in the Valley, which seems to be mostly families.”
I asked Lisa if her age makes it more challenging to meet someone.
“I’m finding that not as many people contact me on JDate as before. It could be that I’m getting older, but I feel like now I know what I want. I’m looking for someone who would be a good father and husband; someone who really wants to be part of a family and loves life; not a workaholic who is all about materialistic things. I would marry someone with kids as long as I could have one of my own. I want [to create] the same family unity that I had [growing up].
“Sometimes I hear, ‘Why aren’t you married?’ and ‘What is wrong with you?’ There is nothing wrong with me. I just haven’t found the right person.”
The Jewish Eagle Scout:
Perhaps Aaron (Aaron642 on JDate) would be the “right person” for Lisa. He is 35 years old — the age when a Jewish grandmother might begin to worry about her single grandson that has never been married. A self-described “Valley boy,” this Eagle Scout — “I know how to walk old ladies across the street and how to build a snow cave” — is not into the bar scene. Instead, he has used JDate as a way to meet Jewish women, because “it is nice to be surrounded by people of similar values, and meeting someone who is Jewish is important to me.”
“People in L.A. are so spread out that JDate is a nice way to meet Jewish people who live near you. I find it a lot better than a blind date. And I’ve gone to some of the synagogue single things, but the people who attend those events seem to already know each other. It is kind of cliquish. I also tried speed dating, but I find it is too short a time to get to really know someone.
“I have been serious with a few people in the past; now I realize that I need someone who I can be friends with first and then see where it goes from there. I think each relationship builds off of the past ones. Now I’m in a place where I have a good job and good friends and am really ready to meet that special person.”
In Search of a Nice Jewish Boy:
Thousand Oaks resident Natalie is also looking, but is finding it difficult to meet someone.
Natalie (also known as Dorkstarrocker on JDate) is a 30-year-old L.A. native who landed in Thousand Oaks seven years ago. She has been single since breaking up with a long-term boyfriend four years ago.
She says that meeting a Jewish man is very important to her, but finding one is another thing entirely. “It might be harder to meet someone Jewish [in Thousand Oaks] and as you go north toward Ventura. But there are Jews everywhere. I usually meet guys through friends if they are really, really, really pushy about it. Joining JDate was my mom’s idea.
“Most of the guys who try to talk to me online are younger than me and looking for fun and maybe just trying to get lucky. I didn’t seem to run into a lot of guys who are looking for the same things as me. I’ve talked with six or seven, but it takes a while to meet them in person. First you need to talk for a while online and on the phone. I find that people are a lot different in person than they are on the phone.
“I did have a couple of second dates, but neither were successful. One guy got drunk on our second date and I had to drive him home. The other guys were nice and sweet, but there just wasn’t that chemistry.”
Despite the challenges of being single, Natalie is optimistic. “I’m not going to settle. I will continue to date until I meet someone who I want to be with. But there is a definite double standard. It’s OK for a guy to be single at 35, but God forbid I’m 35 and single!”
The Big Five-O:
And what if you are a woman significantly past the “God forbid I’m 35 and single” cut-off? A 50-year-old Encino resident, Janet (JayJaye on JDate) had a lot to say about the challenges of being a single mom looking for true love. An attractive, vivacious mother of a 10-year-old girl, Janet is looking for a man who is close to her age. The 65-year-old men who seem to be interested in her don’t fit in with the lifestyle of an active mom with a child to care for and a business to run. Plus, she says, someone who is currently parenting children will be more empathetic to the connection she has to her daughter.
“Dating in L.A. is not fun; it is harder here because we are a car culture with no true opportunities for random encounters like you would have in a walking-based city like New York or Boston. Also, there are so many beautiful people here that men can just keep looking, and looking, and looking. Men can serial date indefinitely.
“I don’t find it difficult to find people to ‘date,’ but finding someone who would be a good match for me is more time consuming than looking for a job. I have to date 15 or 20 guys to meet someone who I want to have a second date with, and the guys are going through the same thing. Meanwhile, the people who you are dating are also dating five other women and making similar evaluations. I’m an optimistic, upbeat person and I still find it very challenging.
“This is not sour grapes; I have had some nice boyfriends that I met on JDate, but you really do want your socks knocked off. If you are looking to meet someone, you need to have a certain amount of chemistry and also an intellectual and emotional connection. Basically, I’m looking for a nice, kind-hearted person. I find it shocking that it is so hard to find.”
The Divorced Dad:
Mitchell (Mitchell331 on JDate) seems equally shocked about how difficult it is to meet a quality Jewish single. Mitchell, a nice-looking, bright, divorced father of three from the East Coast, is a freelance writer and producer and also writes for corporate clients. At 49, he has discovered “it is a lot easier to be single when you are younger.” Although he has found one benefit to his age is that he is more focused on “looking for someone who I can really relate to.”
Since his divorce six years ago, Mitchell has been dating (mostly meeting people through JDate and fix-ups) and was involved in one significant relationship. “Even though I was unhappy that it ended, I am grateful for that relationship, because it reminded me that I could feel ‘that way’ about a girl again.
“I think people know in 10 seconds [if there is chemistry]. It is just a simple, visceral response. Rarely do you have that kind of spark; the really great women are looking for the really great men. But are [they] looking for a package or a man who is going to love them forever? I’m looking for a woman who is really, really, really bright. I lead a very intellectual life. I want someone I can read The New York Times with and discuss history with. And someone who is beautiful. And funny would be good too. And all that is not easy to find. I’m not one who values youth over all else, but I do value vitality, energy and a desire to be touched all over. I want that heat.”
Does it matter whether or not this woman is Jewish? “Being Jewish is not a prerequisite; I post on JDate because Jewish women by and large are pretty, bright and accomplished.”
Mitchell said he recognizes that women in the age range that he is looking for (37-44) necessarily come with some baggage, but he doesn’t view that as a problem. “If the issue of baggage is your baggage, I wonder how do you expect to get to this stage of life without some debts, problems and responsibilities? Either you find someone who is into solving problems with you or that [in itself] becomes a problem for you.”
Mitchell described how one’s level of financial success can complicate relationships. “The issue of money is a really big question. Women are so successful now, and most women don’t want a man who is less successful than they are, which means those women automatically cut off 50 percent of the guys. But I think women who think of relationships more as a merger than a romance will become more and more lonely, because, as they get older, they can’t market themselves to the extremely successful men, because those men can afford a 35-year-old trophy wife.”
After talking (via old-fashioned telephone, e-mail and instant messaging) to numerous singles for this column, I can’t help but think that we haven’t learned much since our expulsion from the Garden of Eden into suburbia. Adam and Eve lived in paradise, but threw it away because of a “hey, this is great, but what if there is something better out there” mindset. And we still seem to suffer from the collective illusion that we can attract someone else who has it all — even if we don’t have it all ourselves.
Maybe we don’t have a conniving serpent tempting us today, but what we do have may be even worse: a computer keyboard and mouse always seducing us with the promise that love is just one more click away.
Wendy’s Rules of the Web
In an attempt to locate Jewish singles to interview for the accompanying article, I joined Jewish singles Web site JDate.com posing as a single, childless 28-year-old in search of a long relationship or marriage. (And because I did not put any stipulations on age, I heard from men of all ages.) Based on my short stint on JDate, I have the following suggestions for online daters.
1) Your moniker: Internet daters don’t use their real names, but identify themselves by unique screen names. It seems like guys can’t resist incorporating the name of their favorite sports team into their screen name: hence, Dodgerfan952387 and LakersGroupie412. I think I speak on behalf of all women when I say your sports-themed screen name doesn’t convey “dedicated sports fan” as you undoubtedly intended, but rather beer-guzzling, couch potato who remembers bad trades from 10 years ago, but forgets 10-year wedding anniversaries. If a woman called herself “Bloomingdalesaddict,” you would run like hell. ’Nuf said.
2) All publicity is good publicity: If a journalist contacts you and asks if she can interview you for a magazine that has thousands of Jewish readers, the correct response is “Sure!” Even if math “isn’t your thing,” you are smart enough to know that you have a better shot of meeting someone if you are “viewed” by a captive audience of tens of thousands of Jewish readers than if you are scanned by 100 or so on a Web site.
3) Your photo: To steal a phrase from the Clinton campaign: It’s your picture, stupid! Yes, Jews are supposed to be more concerned with one’s inner menschiness than one’s outer appearance, but from my brief spell on JDate, I can assure you Jewish singles make Paris Hilton seem down to earth. The blurry shot your drunk friend took of you from 100 yards away does not a profile picture make. When choosing your profile pic, use the same level of care that your mother put into selecting your bar/bat mitzvah pictures.
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