December 17, 2018

Meant2Be: Why ‘Mother’ Nature was a dude

How is it possible that women are burdened with such pain and misery when a woman, Mother Nature, was in charge of assigning the pain and misery? What was this chick thinking? She must have been drunk when she was figuring this all out.

I’m about done with all the trouble that comes with being a woman. I am 50 years old and currently have my period. Too much information?  Whatever.  I also have a pimple on my face that is seriously upsetting me. I have cramps, my boobs hurt, I am bloated, cranky and constantly on the verge of tears.  Ice cream is a food group, and I want to punch the makers of tampon commercials in the face.

Not only am I going to have my period for more than 40 years, but when it is over, I get to celebrate by suffering through menopause.  I get to squeeze a baby out, provide my miracle with food from my body, then have my breasts relocate to just above my knees. It just seems really unfair to me that women have it so hard and men have it so easy.  Is Mother Nature really a woman? Not a shot in hell.

Is it not possible that it is really Father Nature? When I think of the things a woman has to go through in comparison to a man, it makes me wonder. The only thing that makes sense is she made these decisions while she herself had her period, and was therefore a little crazy. God gave her a period, then told her to assign it to a sex. She was hormonal, decided to curse us all in a moment of rage, and couldn’t take it back — so women got the shaft.

It’s important to note here that if men had a period, they would be impossible, so maybe it was a hidden blessing for women to get it. I have seen grown men crumble from a common cold, so I cannot imagine what having a cramp would do to these delicate creatures. If a few sniffles and a fuzzy head bring them to their knees, a period might destroy them.

And it doesn’t stop with the period. What about saggy breasts, turkey chins, wrinkles, and our eggs being poached after 35?  Men can have babies until they have one foot in the grave — Mick Jagger is a new dad at 72! Yet women, the ones who actually have babies, are dealing with a very short window of opportunity in terms of getting pregnant.  Men get better with age, and women simply get old. Believe me, people, Mother Nature was a dude.

It’s the only theory that makes sense. Women have to constantly shave hair off their bodies; men don’t. Women have to pluck their eyebrows and wax their upper lips; men can be hairy apes. Women have to wear painful shoes in order to look sexy, yet men can wear sneakers with a tuxedo. There is no equality between the pain and suffering of a woman and a man, and that is annoying.

I would welcome being a man for one week.  I would walk around passing gas, never shave, and probably travel to northern Canada just so I could write my name in the snow with my pee. I would leave all my clothes on the floor, never put down the toilet seat, and never ask for directions. I would date women out of my league, because I would be a single, Jewish man in my 50s who thinks he’s allowed to lie about his real height, weight and age. 

I simply do not think men have a clue about how lucky they have it. They should be buying women things, constantly, to balance it all out. “Sorry about your period” diamonds. “Thanks for the baby” cars. “Sorry I make more money than you” coffee. This should be happening from men to random women on the street. Women deserve a little something extra.

I am proud to be a woman, and honored to have given birth to a remarkable human being. My son will never know how hard being a woman is, but he will have a wife one day, and so I will prepare him. He will say a prayer, approach with caution, and be grateful. Oy vey. I am going to bed and keeping the faith.

Ilana Angel blogs “Keeping the Faith” at