Let’s talk about sex

This may have been the most distracting, scatter-brained interview I’ve ever conducted. Dogs were barking, phones were ringing off the hook, and Internet was iffy, at best. 

Regardless, Jewish feminist Elana Sztokman seemed unfazed. Of course, she showed moments of frazzledness — merely glimpses, but who could blame her? This Skype interview (which had been rescheduled a couple of times already) was pure chaos.

Sztokman, 45, specializes in Jewish women. A Jewish woman herself, perhaps she’s used to meshugges. Originally from Flatbush, N.Y. (obvious from her Brooklyn accent), she made aliyah in 1993 when she moved to Modiin, where she currently resides. 

She’s the co-creator of a five-week webinar series, “Desire: Sex, Judaism and Feminism.” At the time of the interview, Sztokman had reached the fourth week of her telecourse, a difficult one. Its topic was sexual abuse, pain and dysfunction. Sex therapist and fellow co-creator Talli Rosenbaum (who also lives in Israel) was appearing on the panel that day, alongside sexologist Nachshon David Carmi and psychotherapist Sheri Oz; Sztokman facilitated the discussion. Correlations between sexual abuse and eating disorders were discussed (a topic Sztokman wants to address in her next telecourse, “Hunger,” which will air in the fall).

“This telecourse is a little out of my comfort zone,” Sztokman said of the first episode of the “Desire” series, which aired July 1 and was watched live by subscribers tuning in from around the world (South Africa, the United Kingdom, Australia, Israel, Canada and the United States). The episode went on successfully, albeit with an occasional Internet lag and glitch — but that’s to be expected when the panelists are communicating via webcams.

This online telecourse, which ran during the month of July, was geared toward Jewish adults — men and women, gay and straight, observant and secular.  “The broader, the better,” she said of the diverse net she cast for an audience. 

For most of her professional life, Sztokman designed curricula solely for Orthodox women. “And I’m done with that,” she said. Now she hopes a wider demographic might give Orthodox women some outside perspective. “I think this cross-denominational conversation is really important,” she said.

The webinar reflects the many identities of Sztokman who, until two years ago, was living a traditional Orthodox lifestyle. “I started shying away from the Orthodox label — not because my ideas of halachah changed, but just because I find it unhelpful,” she said. 

“Orthodoxy is a construct created by men who feel the need to be gatekeepers,” Sztokman said. And for a seasoned feminist like Sztokman, identifying as an “Orthodox woman” became too small a box. 

During the telecourse, the wide spectrum of issues covered ranged from Charedi Jews to LGBTQ issues. “The reason why I made this course is because everything we talk about in feminism comes down to sex,” she said. When Sztokman approached Rosenbaum with the idea for the series, the duo played off of one another’s areas of expertise. Sztokman was well versed on gender issues and feminism, and Rosenbaum brought the psycho-social-sexual perspective to the table. “I love Talli,” Sztokman said, “I just think she’s so special in her approach.”

Relocating to Israel was transformative for Sztokman, who immigrated with her husband and three children (she now has four). “Before moving to Israel, I wasn’t a feminist,” she said. Maybe it was something in the landscape, the desert air, but she and her husband took the plunge and transformed together (from Orthodox to nondenominational). But that’s not to say it hasn’t been difficult.

Five years into their marriage, when Sztokman was 26, she took off her head covering. “The hat became my identity marker. Meaning, I became my hat,” she explained. She still remembers the day she took it off, a symbolic gesture of liberation. Positive that everyone would notice, she learned an important lesson when nobody, except one friend, remarked on her exposed hair. She relayed the story with a sigh of relief.

“What women need now is courage — courage to speak our truths,” she said. And with this telecourse, her website (jewfem.com) and the numerous publications to which she contributes, Sztokman has created a platform that gives voice to numerous Jewish women, especially in the Orthodox world.

“Sexuality is not just sex. It’s passion, it’s pleasure, it’s joy, it’s relationship, it’s feeling,” Sztokman said, her voice filled with passion, her intonation changing, becoming softer, more lyrical.

“Healthy sexuality allows you to taste the world.”