If I Lean In, Will I Still Get Checked Out?

Much of the discussion surrounding Sheryl Sandberg's dictum in her recent book Lean In that women self-sabotage their careers by not speaking up and failing to be assertive has revolved around a woman's struggle to fulfill a desire for motherhood and a career. Having not yet entered that stage of life, I cannot speak to the motherhood aspect, ” target=”_blank”>more “likeable” and cites research to support the contention that there is an inverse correlation with likeability and success for women. She specifically calls out young women, presuming that the reason we won't risk being labelled unlikeable by exhibiting aggressive behavior is because of ” target=”_blank”>recent surveys suggest 39% of people have dated a colleague (” target=”_blank”>it is noble and respectable to limit one's career ambitions for the sake of a prosperous household, no woman wants to admit something as juvenile as having not spoken up in a meeting because of a secret workplace crush. But anecdotally, it seems to happen all the time to women I know who are lawyers and executives, so it doesn't seem far-fetched to say some percentage of women out there are doing this. And for single women who desire a relationship, potential love interests are anything but trivial. The desire for love and companionship in navigating the quagmires of our futures is real and universal and a strong motivator in our actions so dismissing these fears is no easy task.

So the next question that arises is how well-founded is this fear we have of turning off men by being “aggressive” or “obnoxious?” Do men really find women who speak up less attractive, or are we just doing this to ourselves because women are as guilty of men of being misguided by societal notions to believe traditional notions of femininity are what men want? I have no idea. But I do know that it doesn't happen to all men. Over a year ago, I was at a different talk for an NPR show, this time it was “Radiolab,” and again, when the Q & A rolled around, I had a burning desire to shout in a booming voice my potentially noisome question. This time, I was next to my current boyfriend and for a fleeting second, that old self-doubt entered my mind — would he think I was obnoxious? I could check with him first and ask him what he thought about my question or tell him to ask for me. But I could no longer pretend to be something I'm not, namely quiet — maybe I am a little obnoxious, but shouldn't he still like me anyway? So with no warning I shouted out to the hosts on the stage, Jad and Robert, and heard my voice echo as the thousands of people in Royce Hall quieted down to listen to the lone women in the audience who had asked a question.  “Good question” my boyfriend whispered and squeezed my hand.

Maybe if we do what Sheryl Sandberg suggests and 'lean in' by risking more aggressive behavior, although there will still be men who will label us as unlikeable or annoying, not all of them will. At the end of the day, all you really need to find is one guy out there who will like you even when you are obnoxious. And if someone thinks you're annoying for being aggressive, then he's probably not the one anyway. And perhaps if we all give up our fear of being a little obnoxious, we'll stop thinking of loud women as obnoxious and redefine what's considered sexy and attractive in the first place. There was a time not that long ago when any woman with a career was considered unattractive and had to listen to countless warnings of you'll never find a husband.  But now, that seems as ridiculous and outmoded as ” target=”_blank”> www.tamarashaynekagel.com and follow her on twitter