Ask Wendy

Loose Lips Sink Schools

Dear Wendy,

I have spent hundreds of hours volunteering at my children’s
school and I am an active member of the parent council. My kids love the school
and would hate to leave, but there seems to be a problem with loose lips. After
discussing my daughter’s personal problem with one of her teachers, I learned
that this teacher had told another student — who then told others — about the
conversation. In a separate incident I approached the principal about a
suspicion my daughter had concerning her music teacher. The principal then
talked this over with the music teacher, indicating who had lodged the
complaint. Should I change schools?

Surrounded By Blabbermouths

Dear Surrounded ,

There are indeed loose lips around and they include those on
your own face. In the first case, the teacher clearly betrayed your confidence.
However, the teacher would have been in no such position had you not betrayed
your daughter’s confidence in the first place. Did you ask her permission
before entering into this discussion with her teacher? As for the second
incident, the McCarthy era is over; if you lodge a complaint against a teacher,
he must be permitted to defend himself. It may indeed be time for you to change
schools: Volunteer your hundreds of hours elsewhere and create a clearer line
between your life and your children’s. They, however, should remain where they
are happy — which is to say exactly where they are.

Money for Parents?

Dear Wendy,

My parents asked me to buy them a condominium in a swank
building. I can afford to do so (even though the amount is not pocket change to
me) but I turned them down. My parents have saved up all of their lives and
have put aside a sizable nest egg, and have the financial wherewithal to
purchase the apartment for themselves. Since I said no, I sense a distance
between us. I would help my parents if they needed food, clothing and shelter
even if I could not afford it, but last time I read the Ten Commandments it
didn’t mention that children are responsible for purchasing their parents a
condo in an exclusive high rise.

Daughter in Doubt

Dear Daughter,

Parenting isn’t an investment any canny broker would make:
it requires massive outlays, with no guaranteed returns. And at best, the
returns are intangible ones. Which is to say there is no obligation to buy your
parents a condo. There is an obligation to pay dividends in love and attention.
A gift certificate for regular visits to the condo your parents buy themselves
sounds about right to me.

My Kid Saw Me Lie

Dear Wendy,

Last week my 4-year-old caught me in a white lie. She
overheard me tell my sister-in-law that one of my children was sick and that we
would be unable to attend the family dinner. My husband finds get-togethers
with his family so stressful that I was doing him a favor by bowing out of the
dinner without hurting anyone’s feelings. I saved my husband, but I raised a
lot of questions for my daughter. Now what?

Pinocchio Mom

Dear Pinocchio,

I know there are many people who believe that lying of any
kind — even a smallish white lie — is unacceptable. I don’t happen to stand on
that side of the fence. Depending on how old your child is, I suggest you now
tell her as much of the truth as you feel she is able to understand. She isn’t
too young to hear that people sometimes beg off of invitations, even if she is
too young to hear that people sometimes beg off of invitations issued by their
own families. In the future, best not to use your own children as part of any
lie you may spin.

Should Mom Move?

Dear Wendy,

My ailing mother-in-law lives on the opposite coast from her
daughter, two grandchildren and me. We have been encouraging her for many years
to come live near us so that we can be together and she can enjoy her
grandchildren. She does not have close friends or established support systems
where she now lives. But despite our repeated efforts we have yet to make any
headway. How can we help her to make this transition? 

Long Distance In-Law

Dear Long Distance,

You want to be close to your ailing mother-in-law and want
your children to enjoy her company while she can still enjoy theirs. I have the
perfect solution: You and your family should move cross-country to be closer to
her. Some people might think that a major move — particularly in one’s old age
— would be difficult and disruptive, and would read your mother-in-law’s lack
of headway as a clear message. But not you. Since you don’t seem to think a
move is too much to ask — and since you do have youth on your side — you
relocate. If you are not prepared to call the movers, it may be time to accept
that long-distance phone calls are as close as you’re going to get to daily contact
with your mother-in-law.