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Ask Wendy

Ask Wendy, readers\' questions and get answers.
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December 12, 2002

Accentuate the Negative

Dear Wendy,

My 7-year-old son has chosen as his best friends two of the rudest boys I have ever met. The words “please” and “thank you” have yet to cross their lips; each request begins with “give me” or “I want,” and that is only the beginning. Is it acceptable for me to discourage these friendships and steer my son toward better-behaved peers?

Mortified Mom

Dear Mortified,

Follow this strategy to its logical end and, 15 years down the road, you will be telling me that you alone are qualified to select an appropriate wife for your son. This tack will surely yield the same results it has in the past: your son will inevitably march down the aisle with the one girl you find most objectionable. Child rearing is a marathon. Pace yourself.

You can’t limit the amount of time your son spends with his friends, but you can insist that they come to your house to play. And, when in your home, these boys play by your rules; bad manners will not be tolerated. After they’ve gone, point out to your son the specific incidents you witnessed where his friend’s manners were lacking (being oh so careful to criticize the behavior and not the individual). Let your son know how appalled you would be were he ever to display similar behavior. Assuming he doesn’t act in such a manner, he will wind up feeling like a prince by comparison. Negative examples can be worth their weight in gold.

Shabbat Meal Reservations

Dear Wendy,

My husband and I are often invited to other people’s homes for Shabbat meals. After reading a recent letter in your column about guests who don’t reciprocate, I thought I could offer some insight. I like to spend Shabbat with my friends, but I don’t enjoy cooking and I am too busy to do so anyway. Furthermore, just the thought of preparing a meal for a lot of people makes me break out in a cold sweat. I’d order takeout, but it’s a lot of money and the food isn’t as good as homemade.

Frustrated on Fridays

Dear Frustrated,

The last time I heard so many competing justifications was when my friend ended a romantic relationship by explaining to her boyfriend — in the course of a single conversation — that she needed to take some time off, was seeing someone else, thought she may be gay and was engaged to her first boyfriend.

I’m not buying any of it. You should disclose upon your first lunch or dinner invitation that you have no intention of reciprocating. Your hosts can then rule out any paranoid thoughts they may have about why they were not invited in return, and decide whether to issue a second invitation. If anyone has the gall to question your bad manners, why not just say that the dog ate your cookbook and leave it at that?

A Marital Master Plan?

Dear Wendy,

I am unhappily married and have been for several years. My wife and I are loving parents to our three children, but seem unable to offer one another the same nurturing and respect. To make my marriage work, I realize I have to change and grow and I feel I am doing so. My wife, on the other hand, is exactly who she was at the start of our conflict and seems unable — or unwilling — to change. Even when I am most miserable, however, I never contemplate divorce since I believe that my circumstances are part of God’s plan to help me develop into a better person and a better Jew.

Bummed Beshert

Dear Bummed,

There are at least two schools of thought when it comes to God’s involvement in our daily lives: the micromanager — or omnipresent — theory and the hands-off view. Even if you do believe that God is intimately knowledgeable about the details of your daily life — and I for one am skeptical about this given the mass and complexity of the other tasks He is called upon to attend to — who is to say you are correctly reading His intentions? Interpreting God’s words and expectations has kept scholars busy for centuries; if you possess the gift of deciphering God’s wishes you really should have spoken up sooner.

Unless and until He appears to you in a dream and tells you expressly to stay in your bad marriage, I suggest you start behaving like the intelligent and rational human being God created. And one more thing: you have three children. There is a lot of room for interpretation when considering the pros and cons of divorce, but it is your job as their father to weigh the impact of your bad marriage on your children. You may choose to believe (read rationalize) that God has a plan for you, but are you sure He has the same plan for your children?

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