In 2012, the late Joan Rivers said that Johnny Carson had given her the biggest break of her career. She became very close to him and even substitute hosted when he was on vacation. When she accepted her own show, opposite his, Carson cut all tie with Rivers.
I once acted as an arbitrator between two family friends who found themselves in a business dispute. The older gentleman had loaned funds and expertise to the younger, and the younger had paid him back in multiples of the initial investment. The dispute arose when the student wanted to break free, while the mentor demanded ownership for life.
Recently, a major collection of art hit the open market. Over 45 years, this collection was amassed through the special bond between the collector and a dealer. When the collector died, the dealer was horrified that the family would place the art in a public auction and not allow the dealor to resell it privately.
This feeling of ownership cuts much deeper. Human beings have a tremendous need to feel respected. “How could you betray me after all I’ve done for you?” we ask. “Had the situation been reversed, I would never stab you in the back that way.”
Similarly, we box people in when we expect them to act in any situation the way we would. How dull!
A mother can feel entitled to her son’s time, even if it creates conflict with his wife. A chef can feel that the presented food must be enjoyed according to his own vision and plan without regard to the taster’s preference. A physician can feel undermined and unappreciated when a longtime patient seeks a second opinion.
When we give, we feel we are owed.
Yet, even God has given us free will despite the prescription for a good life, His Tree of Life, Her breath that lives within all of us.
Eventually, the son must leave his mother, the student her teacher, and the collector his dealer. Breaking free is not an act of betrayal, but a caterpillar shedding her cocoon. None of us own anyone, much less anything. We are privileged observers of each other’s travels.
Capture suffocates. Love is giving of ourselves for the betterment of the other, without liens attached. When we enslave, we become imprisoned ourselves. Carson missed a lifetime of friendship with Rivers.
True wealth is not in owning, but in giving. True wisdom is not in knowledge, but in kindness. True love is not in the capture, but in the letting go.
The most important lessons in our lives, we must unlearn, and then relearn.
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