Satirical Semite: The Psychic Asparagus

It’s been a quiet news month. Coronavirus is still raging, although the end is in sight with vaccine breakthroughs. We can use this pause as an opportunity to reflect and sympathize for a group of poor, oppressed people whose livelihoods have been threatened by recent events: the media outlets.

With President Trump out of office and his voice mostly silenced, reporters have little to share beyond quasi-religious prayers that their nemesis was ousted. Earlier this month, CNBC reported that the TV news will need a new business model now that they have lost the man they loved-to-hate but hated-to-love because of how he attracted advertisers. Since there are fewer controversial stories, viewers are now heading elsewhere to get their entertainment, which makes the channels less appealing to marketers. I propose we start a GoFundMe campaign to support MSNBC and CNN. 

Another alternative is to catch up on the important news items that we may have missed, even though they are obviously far less important because they are from places that aren’t America.

Last December, for example, a Namibian politician was elected as councilor for the Ompundja Constituency with 85% of the vote. His full name was Adolf Hitler Uunona. He told a German newspaper “It was a perfectly normal name for me when I was a kid. It wasn’t until [later] that I realized that this man wanted to subjugate the whole world and killed millions of Jews.” There are approximately 60 Jews currently living in Namibia, although they now might consider leaving as an insurance policy and going somewhere safer, like Beirut.

Meanwhile, in the United Kingdom, a Scottish man was jailed for breaking lockdown rules. Dale McLaughlan, 28, rode a jet ski across the Irish Sea to spend time with his girlfriend on the Isle of Man. True love reigns, although they couldn’t spend time together until he completed the month-long jail sentence he received.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have successfully relocated to California in their bid to escape the British press, and they celebrated their newfound privacy by holding an interview with Oprah Winfrey that will air this Sunday. Let’s hope it yields the result they desire. Jemima Packington, 64, is a psychic reader who is less confident. She predicts that Harry will eventually return to England without Meghan. As the world’s only “Asparamancer,” Packington predicts the future by throwing asparagus into the air. Three asparagi landed in the shape of the letter “H” but none landed in the shape of an “M.” It was all Harry and no Meghan. Fortunately their names didn’t begin with an “R,” “O,” or any curved letters, unless her psychic system also works with bananas, which would be a good way to describe the entire process.

Australia’s state of Victoria began a five-day lockdown on February 12 after three cases of COVID-19 were discovered, and parts of the country closed down with only a few hours’ notice. A friend of mine had to reschedule his son’s bar mitzvah that was planned for the following day and organized a pop-up ceremony at three hours’ notice on Friday afternoon. He was left with $6,000 worth of food stored in a refrigerated truck in front of his house, which had been bought for the 200 guests at their planned party. If the food hadn’t been frozen, then maybe he could have predicted the lockdown by throwing everything into the air and seeing where the potato chips landed.

Lockdowns have also presented great strain on marriages, resulting in an increasing divorce rate. Would-be divorcees can take inspiration from a last week’s Chinese ruling that a man had to pay his ex-wife $7,700 for the housework she completed during their marriage. This may not be a win for feminism, but it could inspire spouses to get busy with the vacuum cleaner as a contingency policy. If the marriage survives, at least they will have a clean house.

Finally, the state of Ohio wanted to protect its citizens, so it required visitors to quarantine for two weeks if they had been in a state on their published list. One of the dangerous states on the list was Ohio, which meant that anyone travelling in Ohio who had been in Ohio would have to undergo mandatory isolation. The state senate could spend their time more efficiently by cultivating a homegrown asparagus farm. If there is also a food shortage due to quarantining every Ohio resident who has travelled within Ohio, my Australian friend is willing to mail them $2,000 of bananas.

Here’s to hoping for another quiet news week.