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Coercive Control: A Legal Definition of ‘Get’ (Jewish Divorce) Abuse

I have witnessed the insidious effects of coercive control in the lives of victims and their children. Get abuse is one form of coercive control.
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July 21, 2020
Photo by Getty Images.

The California legislature is currently reviewing a bill proposed by Senator Susan Rubio (#SB1141) to expand the definition of “domestic violence” to include “coercive control” in Family Code, not the Criminal Code. Set to be heard in the Assembly on July 30, it will now be heard Aug. 12.

It’s about time.

What is “coercive control”? How is it different than “domestic violence” as defined in our laws? Why is it especially relevant to the scourge of “get abuse,” where Jewish men and some women refuse to grant a Jewish divorce in order to extort or control the lives of their estranged spouses?

The term was delineated by Dr. Evan Stark in his book “Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life” (2007). He concluded from his extensive research that domestic violence laws have not been effective in preventing or predicting violence against women. Paradoxically, the focus on discrete instances of physical assault masks the underlying pattern of tactics calculated to subordinate the will of the victim to the abuser, with or without physical assaults.

Coercive control shifts the model of domestic violence from a crime of assault to a calculated pattern of intimidation, isolation from all social supports, deprivation of basic necessities, control of the victim’s movements and control of finances. The conduct of coercive control is more akin to hostage-taking or kidnapping — a form of domestic terror within an intimate partner relationship. Yet, the victim has no legal redress until an act of serious violence is inflicted. The controller engages in psychological and coercive methods to instill fear and total obedience in the victims. These tactics serve to severely compromise the victim’s capacity for independent, self-interested decision-making that is vital to escape and to effectively resist the abuse.

Coercive control legislation has been enacted as a separate crime in France (2010), the UK (2015), Wales, Ireland and Scotland (2019). In the U.S., New York was the first to introduce a bill to criminalize coercive control (2018). In January 2020, in a landmark case in the UK, the Crown assumed the prosecution of a man who manipulated the granting of a get for years, as part of a pattern of coercive control. Facing criminal charges, he granted the get on the eve of trial.

As a former senior prosecutor in the Domestic Violence Bureau in New York, and as an advocate on behalf of victims of get abuse for more than 30 years, I have witnessed the insidious effects of coercive control in the lives of victims and their children. Get abuse is one form of coercive control. Without a get, a woman can never remarry or even date. Not only does the get abuser completely dominate the divorce process through coercive bargaining tactics, but the threat of never receiving the get severely compromises the victim’s ability to rebuild her or his life. The get abuser isolates the estranged and trapped spouse from social intercourse; compromises her or his future economic growth, as the victim will not be able to benefit from a second income that remarriage may afford; and generally, deprives the victim of the autonomy, liberty and personhood protected by the U.S. Constitution and international human rights conventions, which includes the right to marry.

As a former senior prosecutor in the Domestic Violence Bureau in New York, and as an advocate on behalf of victims of get abuse for more than 30 years, I have witnessed the insidious effects of coercive control in the lives of victims and their children. 

A  great obstacle in educating attorneys and judges about the conduct of  get abuse” is that it is rooted in a religious practice. It is not the withholding of the get per se that is abusive, but rather, the misuse of the power differential by the abuser to extort or wield control over the victim. A law defining coercive control would provide a secular language to describe the devastating tactics used by the get abuser. One need not know anything about religion to consider the following statements as evidence of coercive control:

    • “If you ever leave me, I will make sure that you go to your grave as an “Agunah”; (a woman unable to remarry; literally “chained” to a dead marriage).
    • “Unless I get custody on my terms, you will never receive your get.”
    • “I will only give you a get if you forego all property and financial support.”

Of course, the court cannot order anyone to grant a Jewish divorce, but it can recognize the misuse of a power differential to coercively control the victim as a factor in obtaining a restraining order, or determining custody and spousal support.

Such legislation also may deter coercive controlling behavior in traditional Muslim communities, where the consent of the husband is required for divorce, or religious Catholics where annulment requires the cooperation of both spouses.

Definitions are powerful tools; they describe reality. We need to urge our respective senators and assembly members to support a law that defines coercive control as a form of domestic violence. This is especially urgent with the rise of domestic violence cases during this COVID-19 pandemic. Without such a law “get abuse,” as a form of coercive control, has no legal name or redress. 

Find out who your assembly member and senator are, and place calls to their offices. Just say that you support the bill on coercive control. Do it before Aug. 12.

Correction: This story originally stated the landmark UK hearing took place in 2010.

UPDATE July 27: This story was updated to include the recent hearing date. Originally July 30, it has been pushed to Aug. 12.


Esther Macner is the president and founder of Get Jewish Divorce Justice. For more information email info@getjewishdivorce.org

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