Satirical Semite: 2022 Survival Guide

2022 promises to be a good year. For a start, there are going to be a lot of 2s in it. The 2nd of February will be 2222. Last January 1st there were a lot of memes kicking around saying how 2020 was awful but 2021 would be better, although this turned out not to be 2020 vision. Lockdowns continue, vaccine passports become more common, and countries get “red listed” at a moment’s notice. Last week I invited friends to a Shabbat dinner but everyone declined because they were scared of catching Omicron despite all of us being vaccinated. Either that or they are antisemitic, which is unlikely, but so is dying from Omicron. If the new year feels ominous, here is a 2022 Survival Guide.

1. Buy a 2022 calendar. There will be lots of 2s on it. A big number 2 is a good number to describe what’s in store. Alternatively, since people are being urged to work from home and many schools are reclosing so parents will be juggling work with childminding, you can just get a sharpie and draw lines on the wall to mark your days of incarceration.
2. Cancel someone. This is a fun activity for all the family. Last year I got cancelled by my local synagogue, although we’ll save that story for another time. You can cancel anyone for something they said or did at any time in the past. If you’re stuck, then watch “Minority Report” where people are incarcerated for crimes they haven’t yet committed, and cancel a family member for something they might do in the future. You are doing a public service and they will thank you for saving them from themselves, not that you’ll hear them since they have been silenced.
3. Buy a picture of Greta Thunberg. If you want to show the greatest possible respect to the Swedish climate activist who took on the United Nations at the age of 16, then you could get an entire roll of 222 Greta Thunberg portraits with her face printed on double-ply extra-soft biodegradable paper, with easy-tear perforations between each picture.
4. Don’t watch documentaries like “Climate Hustle” since they question whether global warming will ruin the earth and we’ll all die in 30 years. It has the temerity to quote several other times when the earth heated up, like the “Roman Warm Period” from 250 BCE to 400 BCE, or the “Medieval Warm Period” from 950 BCE-1250 BCE. Definitely don’t learn about the three occasions in the last millennia when there was regional cooling known as the “Little Ice Ages” that occurred in 1650, 1770 and 1850. While we have to reduce consumption, emissions, destroying rainforests and poisoning oceans, what possible hope for the future will we have if we suddenly believe that the world isn’t going to end, just like it didn’t end in 2012 or on all the other occasions when it didn’t end?
5. Get out your “I’m With Her” t-shirt. President Biden has repeatedly referred to “President Harris” and stated that he will only re-run for president if his health holds up. Jewish tradition teaches us to “pray for the welfare of the government” (Ethics of the Fathers 3:2), and now will be a good time to pray regularly. Kamala certainly is.
6. Join the Pico Robertson Health and Safety Coalition (https://actionnetwork.org/groups/pico-robertson-health-safety). This one is serious. Soon after Chanukah there was an oil spill at the completely-safe nothing-to-worry-about drilling station situated in the heart of the very Jewish Pico-Robertson neighborhood. PCEC, the oil company that owns the very controversial site between Doheny Drive and Oakhurst drive in West Los Angeles, filed a “Hazardous Materials Spill Report” with California’s State Office of Emergency Services. They reassured us that it was only a leaking internal pipeline with dangerous toxic materials “flow[ing] from underground onto asphalt.” Phew. It must be true then.

The absolutely-safe suburban oil spill was a post-Chanukah miracle! Such miracles we can do without. Wishing you a liberated, fulfilling and miraculous 2022.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, writer and marketing consultant. www.marcusjfreed.com and on social @marcusjfreed.