Satirical Semite: Conspiracy Theory

I woke up and switched on the news to consume my morning cup of steaming hot fear and terror, before seeing a friend’s Instagram story that showed the words “Delta” and “Omicron” can be rearranged to spell “Media Control” (seriously, try it). Two weeks ago I reluctantly had my flu jab. Last week I also had my COVID booster shot so that I could keep my mother happy, even though my antibodies are sky-high in the wake of getting COVID (which I caught during the summer, shortly after receiving that second vaccine), which means my antibody level vastly exceeds anything that can be achieved by a vaccine.

Two weeks after the flu jab and five days after the booster jab, I am now in bed with the flu, which continues to inspire my absolute confidence in these injections. At least there is lots of time to catch up on streaming content. 

I’m beginning to wonder if a large portion of shares in Big Pharma are owned by Netflix, Amazon Prime, HBO and Disney+.

The UK Sunday Times just reported that 90% of COVID sufferers requiring the most care are unvaccinated, and an unvaxxed friend of mine in Cleveland, Ohio just spent two weeks intubated in an induced coma. She is now back at home and gradually recovering.  

In bed and delirious with more post-vaccine sickness, there has been time to decipher many more anagrams. “Media Control,” an anagram of “Aimed Control,” can be rearranged to read “Monica Retold,” which reveals that the new virus strains are basically a PR campaign for “American Crime Story: Impeachment.” Monica Lewinsky was a producer on FX’s new series about Bill Clinton, although perhaps the words “Bill,” “on” and “Monica” shouldn’t appear in the same sentence. I have started watching the program, and look forward to the bit where they address the incident with that dress, and aim to scrub off incriminating stains from Monica’s reputation.   

If you rearrange “Monica Retold,” which could also be a “Friends” spinoff retelling all 10 seasons from Monica’s perspective, you nearly get “Doctor Melania.” That would be a brilliant Trumpian conspiracy theory if it wasn’t missing one letter “A.” CNN will probably claim that her final letter was given to the Russians in return for a stolen election, even though the whole story has now been revealed as a hoax. 

Ironically there is no decent anagram for the word “anagram”, although you can rearrange the letters of “anagram” to spell “Gan Mara.” In Hebrew that translates to “Garden of Bitterness” which, even more tenuously, leads us back to the bitter effects of “Delta” and “Omicron.” Those words can be rearranged to spell “Locate Nimrod.” Nimrod was the great grandson of Noah. The biblical Book of Micah (5.5) refers to Eretz Nimrod, the “land of Nimrod”, although nowadays it is difficult to locate. This covid-variant anagram goes to conclusively prove, well, absolutely nothing.   

We can also get to “Micro Taloned,” which is a does-what-it-says-on-the-box description of those horrible little covid cells under the microscope revealing their nasty talons. “Moonlit Race” would be the way that vaccines were smuggled across borders at night, “Molar Noticed!” is the joyful cry of a British dentist who finally discovers a tooth in the decaying mouth of yet another orally-unhygienic native who has never heard of dental floss. The winner, however, is my sister who untangled the letters of the two new-and-improved virus strains to form the words “Erotic Almond.”

On that note of saucy fruit, I’m going back to bed with Monica and Bill.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, writer, filmmaker & marketing consultant. www.marcusjfreed.com @marcusjfreed