It has been a stressful time. Bombs have fallen on Israel, there has been blatant antisemitic bias in Western media, and the LAPD is investigating a dreadful attack on Jews outside a L.A. sushi place as a hate crime. There is the possibility of some distraction now that we can get back to dining indoors, potentially go on foreign vacations and hear about Prince Harry’s latest public relations disaster (courtesy of the Dax Shephard podcast, where he implicated his grandmother the Queen for toxic parenting).
These distractions don’t remove the world’s real problems, and it is important to retain compassion for the oppressed, like Duchess Meghan Markle, who is still under self-exile at a $16.4 million mansion in Montecito, CA, with only 16 bathrooms and nine bedrooms. Times are tough.
In addition, Meghan’s son Archie didn’t get a royal title, so we can start a GoFundMe campaign and buy him an honorific at nobility.co.uk. For $14,000 you can buy him a title like “Crusader Chevalier Sir Knight of Jerusalem” (seriously), although at that price tag it would cost nearly as much as the land housing Meghan and Harry’s coop full of “rescue chickens.” For a few dollars more — $227,000 to be precise — we could buy him the name “Baron von Rosenthal, Previous Prince of Reuss Royal House.” It’s low-key and will help him blend in perfectly at juice bars in nearby Santa Barbara.
On a happier note, a tiger was rescued from the streets of Texas last Sunday, since it had escaped from somebody’s house. Presumably their cat flap was not properly locked. Houston Police Department Commander Ron Borza said that “in no way, shape or form should you have an animal like that in your household,” which sounds very non-inclusive to wild animals. I hope someone will start a campaign to have him cancelled so that household pets in Texas can reflect the true diversity of untamed nature. Homeowners will then be able to provide a domestic home for lions, panthers and rhinoceroses, although someone will also have to fund a lawsuit against Petco for blatantly excluding options for deadly creatures in their range of pet food. The pet shop chain should also be cancelled since even its largest cat flaps clearly discriminate against giraffes.
We can feel our hearts warmed since it has been a good week for the world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, who probably has a tough time going to a shopping mall without getting harassed by entrepreneurs presenting him with their business plans to invest in, unlike most of us, who can go to shopping malls and enjoy anonymity, even though most of the world’s shopping malls have collapsed due to the ubiquity of Amazon.
We can feel our hearts warmed since it has been a good week for the world’s richest man.
Earlier this month four-year-old Noah Bryant from New York managed to order a shipment of 51 cases of SpongeBob ice lollies, totaling $2,618.85. His mother, Jennifer Bryant, a social work student at NYU, was obviously thrilled that Amazon would not take back the 918 ice lollies, which she could neither afford to pay for nor buy the several freezers it would take to store Noah’s popsicles.
Jeff Bezos’ surprise income windfall from the sale was well deserved since his platform is accessible enough for under-fives to use, including Noah, who suffers from autism. The brilliant ending to this story is that a GoFundMe campaign has currently raised $24,843 from well-wishers so that Jennifer can pay off her student loans and other family expenses.
Despite the levity, we must not forget the current conflicts. Arizona saw a near-civil war organized by state resident Josh Swain, 22. He located a Josh Swain from Nebraska, along with many other people called Josh, and they battled it out in Nebraska to decide who would be the rightful owner of the title “Josh.” Proceedings began peacefully with a game of rock, paper, stone, but in war-torn Nebraska, it escalated into an all-out skirmish of people fighting with swimming pool noodles.
Although it is illegal in certain parts of Nebraska, foreign mercenaries were brought in wearing their storm trooper uniforms, although they met their match from the attendant Jedis and Spidermen. Local authorities did nothing, and the U.S. National Guard did not show up. Fortunately, Josh Swain left the day with a title, which is more than can be said for Meghan’s son Archie.
Marcus is an actor, filmmaker and business consultant
@marcusjfreed
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