Eat Pray Eat

We Americans love our holidays and special occasions. Many non-Jews have actually told me that they have thought about becoming Jewish just because we have so many more holidays. If you’re an American and a Religious Jew, there is a good chance you only work five days a year. And if one of those days falls on a Friday, you go home early.

Life is wonderful, and the marking of special events is important. But string them all together, and we’ve become a nation of overweight, sickly and wobbly people. If you keep Shabbos, then that means 52 Friday night dinners, 52 Saturday lunches, and 52 Seudah Shlishit (third meals) a year. Considering the amount of food at each of these meals, that is about 156 Thanksgiving size meals. Thank God for the five “Fast” days to get us back to even. You can’t party 150-plus days a year and expect your undies not to ride up on you.

Below, I’ve listed some of those special days you need to be careful of if you’re trying to stay healthy and lose weight. If you do go to some of these events, it’s not enough to just pass on dessert. If you want to stay healthy, you’ll probably have to pass on all or most of what they serve. Sounds draconian, but it’s not.

If you do go to some of these events, it’s not enough to just pass on dessert.

I live it as best as I can and don’t feel cheated one Planck length. I try to eat at these events the same way I eat on February 19, which means no one day has any special meaning for me. I’m not saying that my children’s birthdays or my wedding anniversary are not important. I just try and not associate them with the building of a triple chin.

Keeping off weight means I have no red-letter days. If I go to an event, I either bring my own food, eat something before going or try to be extra careful with what I put on my plate. Like the sober alcoholic, if you don’t take that first bite, there will be no fiftieth bite. But even with years of practice, many times I crumble like a warm piece of coffee cake. The important thing is to always get back up.

At first, the people throwing these soirees may be slightly put off by what they perceive as rigidness. Be nice, don’t ever preach and explain that you appreciate what they have done and then offer them a bite of your celery. If you stick with your plan, they eventually will see that you’re serious and respect you for your commitment. Maybe one day, they may even ask you for help. Best of all, you will respect you.

Here is a semi list of land mine events. Add your own that I left off. See how many of these you celebrate, then add up the total days and divide the number by 365.

New Year’s Day, New Year’s Eve, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and the day after, President’s Day, Independence Day, Shabbat (52 times a year), Passover, Shavuot, Rosh Hashanah, Sukkot, Hanukkah (8 nights), Purim, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Funerals, Shivahs, Raises, Settlements, Graduations, Restoring of Health, Close calls, Super Bowl, World Series, Hockey Games, Basketball Games, Golf matches, Baseball Games, Tennis matches, the Olympics, New Job, After an Orgy (although you might want to eat before so you have strength), Quitting a Job, Retirement, Hitting the Lottery, Births, Finishing Radiation or Chemo, Circumcision (I never quite understood how this makes people hungry), Paying off your house, Buying a new house, Engagement party, Wedding, New Relationship, Renewing old friendships, Coming home party, Beating a rap party, Getting out of jail party, Going to jail party, Going away party, Coming out party, Visiting kids in other cities and Israel, Losing weight party, Divorce, Freed from being kidnapped or held hostage, New dog party, Pool party, Just for the hell of it party, End of COVID-19 party (hopefully very soon), Picnics, Most dinners at home, Sunday night family dinner out, Before bedtime snack.

You get the point. I’m sure you can add another dozen more to this list.  Go anywhere you want, but make sure you’re mentally fit to endure sensory overload. Like kryptonite is to Superman, food can buckle your knees. Good luck.

Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer.