Getting the Willingness to Change

I have a friend that is at least 150 pounds overweight. I have talked to him. I have suggested books that have helped me. He has read some of them and even bought some exercise equipment. He has gone to doctors, psychiatrists, different programs, and tried meds—you name it. I’ve taught him as best as I could about how I took my weight off and kept it off.

My friend has already lost two friends who were grossly overweight. They are dead. Gone forever. And they were young. So I told my friend and his wife that he, too, is possibly cutting his life short if he continues the path he is on. I told him that since I got into shape, I’ve been able to run, play ball, hike, and bike ride with my kids—activities I couldn’t do before.

My friend will shake his head and agree with everything I say and still will not move the needle enough to make a difference. It is not because he is stupid or uninformed or because he doesn’t care—it’s because he does not yet have a major ingredient. My friend doesn’t have “the willingness to change.”

One of the keys to making almost any big or small change in your life is your willingness to make that change. Even the smallest amount of willingness can make a huge difference. The problem is that, without this willingness, no matter how much you want or need to change, and even if you do make some changes, they probably won’t stick.

At 18, I was smoking, coughing, and wheezing. It took decades to stop. I was overweight with high blood pressure. I was killing myself and I knew it. One night, as I drove over the Triborough Bridge in New York with pains in my chest, I rolled up to the toll booth and said to the employee, “Please throw my cigarettes away. I’m quitting smoking.” He smiled, took them from me, tossed them in the garbage, and wished me luck. Less than five minutes later, I got off at the first exit and bought another pack. I’m lucky to be alive today. I had great intentions but no willingness to stick with it.

When I finally did stop smoking, I was standing with two friends. I said, “That’s it. I quit.” I pulled five packs from my trench coat pockets and never smoked cigarettes again. I was ready. I was lucky. I was willing.

Willingness is one thing that I believe nobody can give to you. You cannot pass willingness on to someone. It’s not transferable by DNA. Somehow, someway, a person must get it themselves. For me, sometimes one day I don’t have it, and the next day I do. And on more than one occasion, I literally have had a psychic change: I go to sleep and wake as a different person.

But know this: You can never own willingness. It’s a gift you need to renew every day. It’s not a vaccine. Willingness can wear off very quickly.

You can never own willingness. It’s a gift you need to renew every day

Another way to get willingness to pray for it. I ask G-d to please give me the willingness to do what I need to do. Then I act as if I have that willingness until I do.

Either way, almost any change demands that you take a long, hard look at yourself. And many times, that’s painful. Looking at where I’m lacking is really rough stuff. I remember once asking G-d for the willingness to complete some writing that I was avoiding. Every day before I began to write, I asked for just enough willingness for that day. And before I knew it, I finished the project.

I know there are somethings that I may never want to give up. I don’t ask for the willingness to change those things. My loss. So, if you’re struggling with anything at all, take a good look at yourself and ask G-d for the willingness to change. Then act as if you have it, and you just might be incredibly surprised at what happens. Good luck.

Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer.